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Disclosure of genital HSV 1 as oral


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I am curious about the ethics of disclosing HSV 1. Would I be a bad person if I disclosed that I had HSV 1 orally even though I’m pretty sure it’s genital? I think I had one very minor out break (felt like a yeast infection/uti with no visible sores and went away in 4 days with anti fungal medication) unfortunately I also had sex (oral and vaginal) with a long time friends-with-benefits the day before it started who got two small sores genitally a few days later. I have had no recurrence since, but got a blood test done 6 months later (last month) and it was positive for HSV 1. I am heartbroken and scared. I would NEVER willingly expose someone with out informing them that I am HSV 1 positive. However.. I am wondering if I could avoid the terrible stigma attached to genital infection. If I tell people that I have a history of HSV 1 orally and they are ok with receiving oral sex from me what is the difference? I am still informing them of the risk and they are knowing accepting that. In fact, from what I’ve read oral to genital transmission is more likely for HSV 1 than genital to genital. So in fact I’d be disclosing an even greater risk than what there really is. Also, it is possible that I do have an oral infection that is asymptomatic and passed that way, but happened to have a yeast infection around the same time (I get one every couple of years anyway). I just don’t think I could bear living/dating with the stigma. I also keep thinking how unfair it is that oral to genital risk is higher, but most men don’t think twice about receiving oral sex from someone with a history of cold sores. Am I wrong here? Please be honest but not hurtful. 

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I have had gHSV1 for about 3 months now and have thought about this as well. It does make a lot of sense and would be so much easier to disclose that way, but in my personal opinion I feel like its still a form of lying and withholding the complete truth from your partner. I think the odds of them getting it are unlikely with protection, but still on the off chance of them getting it I would feel terrible if I didn't provide them with the whole truth. I feel like its a lot better to just explain everything up front to avoid situations like that. But I do totally see where you are coming from with the risk of spreading oral being higher. The stigma does suck and it makes me so angry that like half the population has oral and doesn't think twice about it but genital freaks everyone out, even though its the exact same virus. I want to not have to deal with it SO BAD but I think my fear of putting someone else through what I have been through is greater than that want so personally I'm just going to have to accept it and be honest. This is just my personal opinion, and it can be looked at in a different way so I by no means am trying to shame you or say you are wrong because I do totally see where you are coming from. 

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    • Nameshame
      @WilsoInAus do you really thing that above my symptoms are Herpes related? Or it may because of Herpes zoster shingles? Bcz of this my Igm is positive?
    • Nameshame
      @WilsoInAus i requested my partner, but they are refusing from testing and saying they dint had any symptoms. Now the only way i left is to wait untill 12 weeks window period right? I am not getting what to do in this case. Any suggestion for any other tests?
    • CHT
      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
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