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GuywithHSV

Reactions of Men -vs- Women:

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GuywithHSV

I'm in my late 30's, diagnosed over six months ago and, as of yet, have not had sex, or attempted to begin a serious relationship. This is not necessarily b/c I'm frightened of having "the talk." I'm more concerned with having the talk with the right person. The highly stealthy and deceptive woman who gave me this little present has left me fairly jaded regarding the opposite sex. I don't hate women, but I do feel as if I will never trust again.

In the past, I have dated/met women with backgrounds and baggage of their own (rape, physical and/or psychological abuse, divorced and jaded, etc…). While reveling their past, I could always tell that it was extremely difficult for them to open up. They seemed worried about my reaction to the act they were describing. The truth is, my focused was invariably on how “they” felt about it and how they were dealing with it. Did it make them a stronger, or weaker person? Were they able to move confidently through their lives, or were they a still a victim? Arising from hardship with strength and confidence displays character and is very attractive.

I know from reading stories on this site that there are a lot of men out there who react negatively and I simply place them in the “no character” column. However, I want to believe that women are different and more compassionate.

Is this the case? Are women more accepting of this if a man is still strong and confident in himself and his abilities?

I’ve only been on this site for a few days, but noticed that there are many more women posting their experience than men. I'd like to hear from anyone with an opinion.

Thanks in advance.

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20Tearz

Compassion...

I would like to think that i would b more compassionate and accepting but that would honestly depend on the situation. If someone i cared for came to me and was forthcoming about it BEFORE we became intimate then my reaction would be severely different than if i found out on my own or if he waited until after exposing me to it to tell me...

I figure if the woman you choose reacts adversely to you simply being honest with her, then thatz not the woman for you... This is a very difficult thing to deal with and unless/until you are impacted by it most ppl are ingnorant to how common it is and what exactly is involved. Yea i was one of those about a week ago..... damn. lol. How would you handle it?? if it were reversed u were uninfected and a woman told u she had it ...

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shutterbug

I think it definitely depends on the person, really. Gender aside, some people are just more compassionate and willing to learn/understand about HSV than others... I have to admit, had my boyfriend known before we had sex that he had it, and sat me down to have "the talk", I'm pretty sure my initial reaction would have been fear. And then I would have read everything I could get my hands on and arm myself with as much knowlege as possible

Since he didn't know, and we only found out because I had an outbreak, we're in a bit of a different boat of him being riddled with guilt over what he's "done to me." For me, all it really did was make me realize how absolutely head-over-heels in love with him I am, because I've not once been angry at him or thought about leaving him. My main concern is finding the best way to treat & prevent for ME (since my body seems to be struggling right now to deal with this), and also to help him deal with whatever guilt he feels. I feel like we are both victims, and we'll overcome it together. In some strange way, I feel like this has made us closer... (cant believe I just said that... Herpes made us closer, HEH!)

I definitely think women (in general) are just more compassionate and understanding. But, I don't think either gender has it easier when it comes to "the talk." I know that for ME, the right guy would be worth the risk...

And I am in agreement with the people here who have said if you tell someone, and they leave, it wasn't meant to be to begin with.

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ouch

I would like to think that I would be compassionate (as i tend to be a compassionate person) had the bloke who gave me my little "gift" told me up front (rather than just infect me without saying shit). But I don't know if I can honestly say yes. I too had fear of the unknown prior to contracting herpes. So I may have freaked out and ran the other way. We can't blame those who run due to fear...because seriously, we don't all know how WE would react given a second chance.

BUT...in my own defense, I think I would have ran from this bloke anyways, because after about 6 months into the relationship, I was noticing some serious character flaws about him that WERE indeed deal breakers. He was a total closet misogynist who wormed his way past my bullshit detector. SO....I dumped him a day after I was with him physically the last time...ironically, he must have suspected the "dumping" was going to take place....as I was also infected at that point with herpes. Go figure. Lifes' cruel little joke on me. But at least it gives me grim satisfaction to know I dumped his ass , found out I had herpes, and then continued on my merry little way WITHOUT him (I think he felt that by infecting me, he would thus "keep" me with him....what an idiot.)

So...who knows...? Had he been honest from the get-go, I might have been accepting of it. Had he not these other major character flaws, I might have stuck with him. But I will NOT put up with anybody's B.S...I dont' care who they are, and I have not allowed the fact that I have herpes deter me.

SO...it is hard to say lad....there ARE people out there who will see you for who you really are...strong, secure, HONEST, confident, AND compassionate. Don't let yourself be jaded by the fucked up jaded women in the world (oh man, and there are alot of us out there...ugh). There will be a miss who will totally overlook the fact that you have herpes and appreciate you for the MAN that you are. Trust me...you find a woman with her head screwed on tight enough, and a few marbles rolling around in that lovely head of hers, she is going to be grown up enough to appreciate a GOOD man. The herpes will only become a nuisance to deal with on occasion. ;-)

I am in a relationship with a man who does NOT have H. He has never let it bother him. We take the extra precautions and it just works. The problems we have are normal couple problems....and has NOTHING to do with herpes.

SOOOOOOO....what can I say in this rant. You'll meet all kinds. Some will be afraid...don't let them deter you, but don't let them anger you either. Put yourself in their shoes. So long as they do not react so bad that they run around talking smack about you and your status, let them be afraid.

Some MIGHT react very badly and poorly. To which I say, this person would react bad to ANY negative situation, and have been non-supportive and who NEEDS a person like this in my life!!?

Then most you will find will be cool about it. So long as you are honest from the getgo...You would be amazed at how understanding people can be. AND you will be amazed at how many people you come across who are like "oh, you too!?!? I also have it".

I hope I helped somewhat. I am sorry for rambling. I am just pooped. BUt I also hope you are feeling better today. ;-)

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catiesmom

Ouch - i swear for a second i thought you said you were rambling because you pooped. I know we talk about a lot of personal stuff here, but that one you can keep to yourself! :)

I'd like to think i'd be compassionate, but there are a few factors for me that would weigh on that heavily. Primarily my daughter - i would absolutely DIE if she ended up getting herpes because of some guy i wanted to date. If the jackass who gave this to me had told me he had it, we might have taken it REALLY slow, but he'd almost have to have been the marrying kind (which he clearly wasn't) for me to take that risk. Knowing i could have avoided getting it in several ways would have helped, but with a kid, it's a huge deal to me.

Also, for women we have to consider our future babies. There is some risk of transmission to newborns and there is the possibility of death in those so little. I think that might be a concern to a lot of women, whereas it might not be SUCH a concern for men (i know there are quite a few who are concerned with their future children and i certainly don't mean that as a blanket statement, but the ones who are concerned are mostly.... here). I haven't and won't have to tell a woman, and no one ever told me, but even if someone i was dating said they had oral herpes (which i don't have), again i'd have some reservation. It wouldn't be a deal breaker, but it would slow things down, because i have my daughter's health and not just my own to consider.

I hope that didn't get too confusing.

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Caliope

Any woman who has a friend who has a hard time dealing with their own hsv infection might be inclined to "run for the hills".

Clearly women as a whole have more problems with hsv infections than do men with hsv infections. Lets face it dr's have more trouble diagnosing us. We often go months wondering what the heck is going on and why all the crazy symptoms. Our ob's tend to be more frequent and more severe and to top it off our hormones can make stuff flare up.

Knowledge can be powerful and powerfully frightening too. The more I learn about this virus the more inclined I am to be very careful about who I let near my body. I am sure that these same thoughts have to have occurred to women other than myself.

But. . . I really love my guy. If I found that he was the one who infected me and our relationship was the same as it is today I would love him just the same. I'd stay with him and I would be his loyal companion thru thick and thin.

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ArizonaLove

I'm only 20, so the maturaty between me and someone your age is quite a bit. looking back two years ago to now, its been quite a bit. I used to sleep around... well it wasn't quite sleeping around, I was generally too drunk to stop anyone.. Rather sad. I contracted it from my boss at age 18 who convinced me to come have some drinks with him and his "g/f" (He was married as well). He idea of drinks was straight shots of Jack Daniels.

Needless to say, you can figure out the rest. In the end it made me a stronger person. I used to always walk with my head down, trying to hide from the crowd and blend in. Now that I have come face to face with it, I walk looking ahead. It's a big change, such a little thing, but it really shows a big difference.

I am one that fits under the saying "love is blind". I was in a really serious (At least to me it was) relationship shortly before this happened. At the end of our relatinship he came forward and admitted to cheating. I was heartbroken but was looking for a way to move on with the "us". I know it's a different thing, but I think if he had said he had an STD instead of cheating, I prolly would have done the same thing.

I would assume girls would take it easier than guys, just because guys tend to be more sexually orriented than a girl (not in all cases tho). If you set sex aside, than having HSV is no biggy.

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skydreams

This is coming from a woman's perspective, but it's the only one I got ;)

I think that how the person reacts depends on what they are looking for in you. If they're looking for someone to just hang out with and see what develops, I don't think they'd react well to the news unless they'd already fallen for you. If they're looking for, or see in you, a person they'd want to be committed to, then they'd accept you completely, no matter what you had.

For example, although my ex had no idea he had herpes when we were intimate, if I had known, it wouldn't have changed anything about my decision to be with him. That's just how strongly I felt, and I would've accepted whatever came with him.

Now however, I'm just dating to distract myself and fill in the void a bit, so if anyone I date were to turn out to have an std, I would stay away, because I'm not looking for someone to share a life with right now and it would complicate relations even more I think.

In all seriousness, being with someone that has H is kinda on the same commitment level of getting married, at least to me. You're risking your partner's future lifetime genitalia comfort. I don't see men as taking that so well because of how sexually focused they are in relationships. Women though, we're suckers for romance for the most part!

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Sydgirl

its hard to think in the eyes of a non hsv person here :)

but for instance i have no idea if my ex gave it to me or me to him..

hes been honest about the coldsore on his lip ( as we still see each other its not something he couldnt say i guess, but even me being an esthetician i may have assumed it was shaving rash or pimples)

anyway my initial reaction to anyone friends of boyfriends is

acceptance

they cant help it, both of you just become educated and dont kiss. have sex (if its genital) around outbreak time

i think if the person cares about you even just as a fellow human being, they wont make you feel bad

if the person makes u feel terrible, they arent worth having around

i just wish i hadnt unknowinly spread herpes because i would have preferred to not have sex then to accidently spread it. its much easier to say from day one " i have it" then after almost 5 months of knowing the person and being intimate saying " i only just found out"

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