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Honoring your Libido as an unaffected partner


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Hey all!

So my partner and I have been together for as long as she has been positive - almost 5 years now!  We get married next week!

As we have navigated the virus through our relationship we have certainly had our ups and downs.  Through careful planning the virus has not been passed to me and I do not have any hesitancy or fear of intimacy with my partner.

That being said, I am curious to know the experiences of others who are unaffected partners of a HSV2 positive person.  Personally I have found that the frequency of outbreaks and the unknown nature of when they will end has had an overall affect on my libido.  On one hand, if we are blindsided by a new outbreak my libido tends to almost completely shut down just because my mind knows that level of sexual intimacy is out of the question until the outbreak is over.  It's then a little hard to "jump-start" the libido again when the outbreak is done.  However, in some situations my libido remains but with the fully mental understand that my partner and I just can't do much during that time, no matter how "horny" I may be. 

Honestly, I'm just curious about other peoples experiences from this perspective.  What struggles have you had with this?  What paths or solutions have you tried to manage your libido during outbreaks?  And how do you "honor" your own libido when you know that your partner is going through their own personal struggles during the outbreak? 

I'd love to hear your stories!  Thanks! 

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  • 3 weeks later...

You should honor your libido within boundaries your relationship has set. He or she would have to be open minded. My husband is closed minded. He will not let me have sex with him and he expects me to get sex outside the relationship which I find heart-wrenching.

Masturbate and don't let anyone shame you for doing so.

It really takes a special person, unfortunately, my husband does not want sex and my boyfriend's wife does not want sex. I do get shamed by others- I am having sex outside the marriage, but it's none of their business except all four of us. And it's none of my business what other people think of me! I don't get sex because this special businessman does not travel to my city anymore. I have not been shamed for having HSV by anyone outside of the internet. I tell none. I am in the don't ask don't tell marriage and if anyone understands polyamory/ open relationship (you don't have to shag everyone) they will understand what that means.

With that written, I will not give up my sexuality I am a very sexual person. I am lost and don't know what to do and I hate looking for new partners!

I do have sex machines which are fun. Nothing replaces sweet heat passionate kisses and it makes all the difference when they have actually studied pleasure!

You you have about 30% of the population with my sexless scenario and about 10% who actively step out of the marriage for sex with their Partners blessing for lack of a better word.

That is why I titled my relationship complicated, but we do respect each other for each other's needs for intimacy or in my husband's case; If you've ever heard of the term prone masturbation men ruin themselves by doing this over and over and they can only have an orgasm, in this position because they programmed themselves this way. That is 13% of the population and they usually hide it. Men and women do this, women use pillows and men use the mattress, some use tight grips and ruin themselves where no woman will be able to pleasure them.

Edited by Quest
How did l get to this point? Good polyamory books on how to open a marriage and it sounds cold but I told him I was stepping out of the marriage for sex, got on a huge polyamy.com forum and got a mentor when my husband fought me
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    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
    • JackThrowAway
      She tested positive for HSV2. No, there was nothing of that sort in that area.   However I also have ulcerative colitis so I’m on medication that makes me immunosuppressed. I have been bleeding a bit when I pass stools during the time of redness, so I’m unsure if I’m getting a flare from the colitis (from all the stress of everything) or if it’s due to the virus making it’s way to an already inflamed area and popping up as blisters that I can’t see and hence the bleeding.    I had two equivocal results (at 4 weeks and 6 weeks) that then went to a positive result (7 weeks after exposure). Combine that with some flu symptoms, redness, tingling etc. makes me feel it’s conclusive that this points to a hsv2 infection.
    • Anonimus
      Thanks!!!!! I appreciate your help.
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