Honoring your Libido as an unaffected partner

[AlanBeals]

Hey all!

So my partner and I have been together for as long as she has been positive - almost 5 years now!  We get married next week!

As we have navigated the virus through our relationship we have certainly had our ups and downs.  Through careful planning the virus has not been passed to me and I do not have any hesitancy or fear of intimacy with my partner.

That being said, I am curious to know the experiences of others who are unaffected partners of a HSV2 positive person.  Personally I have found that the frequency of outbreaks and the unknown nature of when they will end has had an overall affect on my libido.  On one hand, if we are blindsided by a new outbreak my libido tends to almost completely shut down just because my mind knows that level of sexual intimacy is out of the question until the outbreak is over.  It's then a little hard to "jump-start" the libido again when the outbreak is done.  However, in some situations my libido remains but with the fully mental understand that my partner and I just can't do much during that time, no matter how "horny" I may be. 

Honestly, I'm just curious about other peoples experiences from this perspective.  What struggles have you had with this?  What paths or solutions have you tried to manage your libido during outbreaks?  And how do you "honor" your own libido when you know that your partner is going through their own personal struggles during the outbreak? 

I'd love to hear your stories!  Thanks! 

[Quest]

You should honor your libido within boundaries your relationship has set. He or she would have to be open minded. My husband is closed minded. He will not let me have sex with him and he expects me to get sex outside the relationship which I find heart-wrenching.

Masturbate and don't let anyone shame you for doing so.

It really takes a special person, unfortunately, my husband does not want sex and my boyfriend's wife does not want sex. I do get shamed by others- I am having sex outside the marriage, but it's none of their business except all four of us. And it's none of my business what other people think of me! I don't get sex because this special businessman does not travel to my city anymore. I have not been shamed for having HSV by anyone outside of the internet. I tell none. I am in the don't ask don't tell marriage and if anyone understands polyamory/ open relationship (you don't have to shag everyone) they will understand what that means.

With that written, I will not give up my sexuality I am a very sexual person. I am lost and don't know what to do and I hate looking for new partners!

I do have sex machines which are fun. Nothing replaces sweet heat passionate kisses and it makes all the difference when they have actually studied pleasure!

You you have about 30% of the population with my sexless scenario and about 10% who actively step out of the marriage for sex with their Partners blessing for lack of a better word.

That is why I titled my relationship complicated, but we do respect each other for each other's needs for intimacy or in my husband's case; If you've ever heard of the term prone masturbation men ruin themselves by doing this over and over and they can only have an orgasm, in this position because they programmed themselves this way. That is 13% of the population and they usually hide it. Men and women do this, women use pillows and men use the mattress, some use tight grips and ruin themselves where no woman will be able to pleasure them.

Edited September 15, 2019 by Quest
How did l get to this point? Good polyamory books on how to open a marriage and it sounds cold but I told him I was stepping out of the marriage for sex, got on a huge polyamy.com forum and got a mentor when my husband fought me