Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group
Sign in to follow this  
Brucie

Copeless

Recommended Posts

Brucie

That is how I feel and I'm not letting it go past into religion and faith because this has never helped me cope with anything important like this virus. It has changed my life so much all I want to do is hole up and just forget the world. I've even considered going off and leaving my life behind but to what end? I can't afford it. I'm not rich and feel like people are all against me. They are. I've done things that have become a problem in the current time all because I can't find a good therapist that will help me without judging me too much. I'm being judged all over the place for reasons not related to my disease and this just makes matters worse. If there was a cure I believed in I'd go for it. I've been warned away from all the snake oil makers by my doctor so what else is there? I feel so damn helpless and useless against my feelings. They are overwhelming me most of the time. Out of control other times. What I really feel is the bite or reality and the death of fantasy and pleasure. There is none of that now! I feel like I died and went to hell before my own demise. I don't want this thing. The only pleasure I have of a sensual nature is food. Now my waistline is having a field day and the doctor is saying I need to lose a few lbs.. I agree, but what else do I have now??? I have only 30-40 possible years to see through with this. Nothing, in other words! Nothing........................ done ranting now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MsLucy

Brucie, I'm not sure what I could say to you that would be of any value, but after reading your post, I felt moved to respond and at least let you know that I'm sorry you're having so much difficulty.

I once read in one of your past posts that your kids are college grads, so that must make us of a like age. I always thought that by the time I reached this stage of maturity, life would have ironed itself out to a smooth finish, but no. Instead, I'd have to liken it to one of those pages in a book that has the wrinkle running down the middle of the page that obscures several words on each line. You know the ones I mean... you read along smoothly for a short time, then you have to keep straightening out the page to read the words. It gets tiresome, but if you don't want to lose the meaning, it's a process you have to go through.

For most of my life, I strived for the acceptance and approval of others, people I didn't even know, and who didn't know me, or what motivated me, or what I felt or cared about. Then, one day years ago, I was standing in the check-out line at the grocery store. I had recently gotten a new hair cut, and I was thrilled with it. For the first time in a long time, I really liked the way my hair looked. In front of me, checking out, was a 30ish woman with a little girl. Out of the blue, this little girl turned to me and said "My mommy doesn't like your hair." The woman looked at her daughter as if the child's head had suddenly started spinning around and the voice of the devil had erupted from her mouth, and then she looked at me, absolutely mortified in her embarrassment. I just busted out laughing.

I know that's a stupid story, but I think we all learned something that day. I came away with the realization that it doesn't matter what other people think about me (or my hair), or who I am. The only ones whose expectations I have to live up to are my own, and the few people who love and depend on me. The rest of the world can kiss my ass.

The only thing any of us can ever hope to acheive perfection at, is to be perfectly ourselves. Warts, faults, shortcomings (and herpes) notwithstanding, we are absolutely and unequivically perfect in that respect. Love yourself, Brucie. Love yourself for all the good things about you, that far outweigh the imperfections, I'm sure. And as for the rest of the world, well, they can kiss your ass, too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Brucie

Thanks so much for the encouraging words, writercll. I do appreciate that you responded at all, as I fully did not expect any from anyone here. My last post is lost which was about two months ago. I had given up trying to deal with my herpes in this way but now have other feelings. Feelings are temporary, indeed, and do change daily. I'd love to say, kiss my a** to quite a few people but, alas, they have the upper hand it seems. My life is not ordinary in some ways and I can't deal with as another would think I ought to just because of this. I have other psych problems that interfere with how I perceive the world and people and myself, so it's harder than normal for me to express much less deal with it.

I do thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words..............

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Claudia
what else is there?

Acceptance. Life on life's own terms, not on mine. Surrender.

That's what I do.

*hugs*

Claudia

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • The Hive is Thriving!

    • Total Topics
      69,943
    • Total Posts
      472,245
  • Posts

    • StayingUpbeat
      It should be noted that the Gates foundation was part of a venture capital group that gave Genocea $30 million in support of their vaccine development efforts in the period when their lead candidate was an HSV-2 therapeutic vaccine (GEN-003): https://xconomy.com/boston/2012/10/10/genocea-snags-30m-from-gates-foundation-vcs-for-new-vaccines/ They have also provided 30 million dollars to the University of Washington's HSV efforts.  This time specifically on research into whether suppressing HSV results in a reduction in HIV transmission: https://honeycomb.click/topic/77503-donations-to-fred-hutch-center/page/21/?tab=comments#comment-493474  Far from inactive in HSV research they provide significant funding in the context of reducing HIV transmission.  It's a well established fact that genital HSV greatly increases the probably contracting HIV from an infected partner.
    • Cas9
      Human trials starting next year?  Not even close. It will be several years.
    • hunger4more
      Sounds like X-vaxs' biggest concern is prevention and erradication secondary..... 🤦🏻‍♂️
    • IAmDesperate
      Ahh thank you for the link, but sadly I have HSV1
    • Pitchbird
      It may be small scale but at least it shows me that I'm by far not the only one who isn't willing to disclose to casual partners anymore. The damage for oneself is too high to make it worth it imho: - seduction becomes difficult as guy if they know in advance - you're very likely to become a gossip object if it happens within your social circle - you get abandoned before it even starts to get intense - you end up lonely and depressed after being abandoned for such a reason Still, that doesn't answer the question if it's better to disclose properly out of nowhere during the relationship or wait for the symptoms to appear and pretend to be surprised and fake the doctor diagnosis afterwards. At the moment I think the true disclosure would be less likely to be accepted by the partner, but in case it works it would feel better in the end because there's less of a secret kept in the long run... and of course there's lower moral burden when disclosing earlier because you're handing over responsibility of risk exposure to the partner.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.