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ILoveSilence

Well I've done it this time

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ILoveSilence

Hi all! 

Its been only three days since I have been diagnosed with HSV-2. I am currently on what appears to be an extended business trip getting my first treatment. I had zero work done lately. Luckily for me my business partners are surprisingly understanding, although I doubt that they fully appreciate the extent of this disaster. What I still have to look forward to is trying to explain this to my girlfriend of 13 years. Luckily we haven't had sex in a while and I am pretty certain that I have caught it during my recent night of alcohol induced stupor. Yes, I have cheated, something I swore I'd never do. Yes, that makes me a POS disgusting scumbag. And yes, I WILL tell her even though she will most likely leave me which would be the right thing to do. 

Its really amazing how one seemingly inconsequential event can turn one's life upside down. Over the course of the last couple of days I have completely re-evaluated my life choices, mostly in respect to my girlfriend. Well for starters I have obviously been a complete bastard to her. But no amount of physical pain compares to the pain of her leaving or, worse still, me infecting her with my filth. 

I probably won't get much sympathy with this post, but I have to start practicing telling it how it is. Ironically, so far my raw emotional state has led to me reconnecting with my girlfriend, even though I haven't told her yet. We finally talk like we haven't talked before. And oddly enough I now want her more than ever. Of course this is only temporary. My business trip ends in two weeks together with my treatment (surprise surprise) and I will have to go back home to have the awful conversation. So right now I am cherishing every single moment we spend together FaceTiming with me pretending like nothing's wrong. Christ I'm disgusting. Well I guess I'll finally have that total freedom I've been craving for so long. Yeah, nice going you complete bloody idiot

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missyrose

I feel your pain youve made a one night mistake and your paying for it. Your story is similar to mine and theres always hope. I hope all works out for you xxx Mine has and im still with my man after 28 years Hsv 2 years ago you can get through this .

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ILoveSilence
13 minutes ago, missyrose said:

I feel your pain youve made a one night mistake and your paying for it. Your story is similar to mine and theres always hope. I hope all works out for you xxx Mine has and im still with my man after 28 years Hsv 2 years ago you can get through this .

Thank you, kind soul! This is more sympathy than I deserve. Part of the problem is that I'm 40 and still childless. I was just getting around to having children after years of financial turmoil and now I have absolutely no clue how I will manage this without subjecting my loved ones to a living nightmare. I know you are not supposed to say this in this day and age but girls do have it harder that guys. I mean us guys we get a sore junk we scratch it put ointment on it and move one whereas women's anatomy is much more complex and fragile. I can't even begin to fathom how I can possibly father a child in this state, let alone engage in a passionate spur of the moment love-making. Guess I'll just have to start taking longer time in the bathroom teenage style. Don't even want to think what that will do to my mom by the way. She was so expecting grandchildren.

 

I am Russian by the way and one thing that has truly horrified me is the attitude of professionals in my country. So far the best advice I got was don't worry, just take Valtrex for a couple of weeks and you'll both be fine. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with my country? I even tried to book an appointment with a gynaecologist to discuss this and she just gave me an extremely limited consultation over the phone. I literally had to learn about the dangers of this condition on the Internet. I will never understand why no-one here bothers to at least have an honest discussion on how to manage this even though I obviously am willing to pay for it. Thats stigma for you I guess.

On the bright side I've had a couple of friends ask me to be a godfather for their children. Guess my life will be a proper metaphor for similarly named movie: great first part, decent second and a complete disaster in the end that will see me keel over from a chair in complete loneliness

 

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WilsoInAus

Hey @ILoveSilence and welcome. It may take some time, but all will be alright in the end - and if it isn’t alright then it isn’t the end!

It is easy to overreact right now. Best to focus a little inwardly for the time being and choose actions carefully.

Lets start with your diagnosis and whether you know that it’s HSV-2 or HSV-1?

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missyrose

Aww try not to worry you can still have children even with herpes .

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ILoveSilence
38 minutes ago, WilsoInAus said:

Hey @ILoveSilence and welcome. It may take some time, but all will be alright in the end - and if it isn’t alright then it isn’t the end!

It is easy to overreact right now. Best to focus a little inwardly for the time being and choose actions carefully.

Lets start with your diagnosis and whether you know that it’s HSV-2 or HSV-1?

Thank you for a warm welcome! Its HSV-2. It all began when I was lying on a couch alone at home watching Shiba Inu videos on YouTube. I moved and felt something akin to a needle prick on my penis. When i looked I saw an odd sore that I first thought was a pimple rupturing. Didn't care much at first, but oddly enough it took its time healing. My GF was having a cold at the time so when I developed fatigue, muscle pains and a lasting splitting headache I first thought it was just me catching something off of her due to my constant stress and work-load. But soon the are around the sore became reddish and pimples began to appear. The whole area was about five centimetres in diameter. Well now I know they were no pimples. I went to see two professionals at first and both have dismissed this as a sort of razor burn. Great job both of them. One even shook my hand after I ended fondling my now clearly deseased junk in front of him. Oh Lord, it gets more and more outlandish the more I think about it. Anyway my outbreak has lasted for about 10 days in total. On about the fifth day I have gone to another town on that business trip of mine and I have finally decided to see a professional yet again and get a proper test this time. The doctor has administered what I believe is called a pap smear from the infected area. They have apparently done a DNA analysis using polymerase chain reaction that has shown HSV-2. Thats the story I guess.

 

In-between the weeping and the numbness I have come up with a new dream: to create a fund that specialises in financing viral research. Hopefully I'll be able to find a cure myself :) I know it sounds ridiculous though but you have to have some aim in life right? Besides, I have read that PennU is doing some really promising research in this area: https://www.forbes.com/sites/danadovey/2019/09/24/herpes-vaccine-candidate-moves-closer-to-human-trials/#18bc3978ace4

Edited by ILoveSilence
poor spelling

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ILoveSilence

Oh and at first the doc gave me antibiotics to take and a sanitising powder. I am supposed to start my 10 day Valtrex treatment on monday for some reason, together with immune medicine. Right now I am to continue with antibiotics and I had to take one Diflucan

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MiLoBeng
5 hours ago, ILoveSilence said:

Besides, I have read that PennU is doing some really promising research in this area: https://www.forbes.com/sites/danadovey/2019/09/24/herpes-vaccine-candidate-moves-closer-to-human-trials/#18bc3978ace4

So is gene editing by Dr Jerome from FHC. Do check it out at 

 

Edited by MiLoBeng

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MikeHerp
2 hours ago, ILoveSilence said:

 

In-between the weeping and the numbness I have come up with a new dream: to create a fund that specialises in financing viral research. Hopefully I'll be able to find a cure myself :) I know it sounds ridiculous though but you have to have some aim in life right? Besides, I have read that PennU is doing some really promising research in this area: https://www.forbes.com/sites/danadovey/2019/09/24/herpes-vaccine-candidate-moves-closer-to-human-trials/#18bc3978ace4

It's a great idea @ILoveSilence.  As mentioned above, we are involved in viral cure research.  We have partnered with the Fred Hutch Cancer Research Center to set up a fund raiser for their HSV cure research.  We've raised over $33,000 for that this year.  Their research looks very promising as it appears they have been able to remove the vast majority of latent HSV in mice using their gene editing approach.  Please come join us in promoting the fund raiser and, if possible, donating to it.  This is legit research and the only project that is targeting latent HSV, the cause of recurrent outbreaks and transmission.  The UPenn vaccine is very promising and I'm hopeful about it, but it's not going to be a cure.  

Edited by MikeHerp

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heididehk

SAME, I feel you. Every day I wake up to the painful outbreak and the realisation that one drunken night changed my life forever. Before this, I always had this romantic idea that every moment, relationship, happiness, and pain is temporary. But NO, this STI is forever!!! How come! I was so uneducated on the topic. 

 

I was talking to a chaplain who told me to stop trying to figure out why and how I got the condition. Simply take the condition as it is and allow yourself to BE SAD. It is enough for me to have to accept the diagnosis. Hope her words are useful to you too. 

 

People on here all day this is just some bad luck... come to think of it, there are people who have had lots of partners or carefree sex, there are people who cheated, I don’t think all of them got herpes or have the physical manifestation of herpes. We are the ones to have contracted herpes from a (usually symptom-free) person with herpes and who happen to have symptoms. The statistical chance is low but here we are. ... 

 

I’m from Hong Kong and there is no discussion on HSV as well! Zero support group or organisation. No one active on forums. The nurse said it is no big deal and told me to brave out the outbreaks and prescribed me no medicine but my non-stop outbreaks have been killing me!! I don’t know how this is no big deal when there are bloody cuts inside my vagina and blisters after blisters on my burning labia! 

 

(In LOTS of pain right now hence the rant, sorry for the negativity) 

 

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ILoveSilence

Hello, Heidi!

Rant and vent away to your heart's content. That is what we are here for. To talk and to listen. And I am very grateful for your comment. It seems that a lot of people do indeed dismiss this condition as something rather benign. And we all must absolutely get the full picture before making further life choices.

I am surprised though that the nurse hasn't given you any medication whatsoever. I've heard that there is this tenet in the general Chinese philosophy that unless you are absolutely dying you can simply walk it off. But your situation seems like full blown negligence. As I have said us guys have it easier and the stories that women share around here are absolutely heart wrenching . Please, do not abandon search for proper medical and emotional support. By the sound of it you have been forced to just let it play out and that is wrong in this day and age.

I too have pondered as to why this is happening to me. Is God punishing me? In all probability yes. I swore so many times that I will stop partying and concentrate more on family. I take it this time He (or She, its possible i guess) has had enough of my empty promises. Or maybe its some greater plan to avert us from a fate worse than that. I suppose that we can ponder endlessly. One medical professional has told me today that what's happening to us is just one example of the human condition. 

I also understand that you feel powerless right now, same as me. Thats the horrible part of this i guess. You can't really fight it, you can only manage it. But stay strong. You are a wonderful and beautiful person and you deserve a victory over this. I am absolutely positive that someone somewhere will eventually come up with a proper cure for this.

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heididehk
5 hours ago, ILoveSilence said:

Hello, Heidi!

Rant and vent away to your heart's content. That is what we are here for. To talk and to listen. And I am very grateful for your comment. It seems that a lot of people do indeed dismiss this condition as something rather benign. And we all must absolutely get the full picture before making further life choices.

I am surprised though that the nurse hasn't given you any medication whatsoever. I've heard that there is this tenet in the general Chinese philosophy that unless you are absolutely dying you can simply walk it off. But your situation seems like full blown negligence. As I have said us guys have it easier and the stories that women share around here are absolutely heart wrenching . Please, do not abandon search for proper medical and emotional support. By the sound of it you have been forced to just let it play out and that is wrong in this day and age.

I too have pondered as to why this is happening to me. Is God punishing me? In all probability yes. I swore so many times that I will stop partying and concentrate more on family. I take it this time He (or She, its possible i guess) has had enough of my empty promises. Or maybe its some greater plan to avert us from a fate worse than that. I suppose that we can ponder endlessly. One medical professional has told me today that what's happening to us is just one example of the human condition. 

I also understand that you feel powerless right now, same as me. Thats the horrible part of this i guess. You can't really fight it, you can only manage it. But stay strong. You are a wonderful and beautiful person and you deserve a victory over this. I am absolutely positive that someone somewhere will eventually come up with a proper cure for this.

Hey, you beautiful person who just wrote an essay to make a stranger feel better. I like how you take perspectives and acknowledge that others, mostly women, experience more severity. For me, I was hospitalized for two weeks due to sepsis and an impaired liver. So for my first outbreak, I did get Valtrex. But the nurse told me I wouldn't need medicine for future outbreaks because they would go away. Thank you - I think I have to fight more for treatment options and support. Will do so. 

 

In the words of the chaplain, ''stop pondering.. and don't blame everything on God". I was also attributing it to some "God's plan" where he wants me to learn to accept myself, flaws and all, because I absolutely hated myself when I had EVERYTHING. Well, not a loving family, but I lived a pretty lucky, adventurous life at 23. Your medical professional is right.. 😃 it is a human condition that we got because of some statistical chance. If you look up stories online, a lot of people got it from their first love or husband, with or without protection.. etc. For me I only had sex three times in my life... it's all chance. It's not a punishment!! It's not your fault. 

 

Yes yes yes ''powerless'' is the word. I thought I was pretty invincible, working and studying abroad alone, I love(d) the freedom of roaming in the streets and I never really got too sick from traveling in rural Africa and SEA. Until this virus hit me. For the first time ever I needed someone to support me 'cause I'm scared and confused as f. I just realised humans ain't infallible. Ouch. I just suddenly don't live in that rosy world anymore, in which there's no illness to worry about, I can do whatever I want (stay up, eat whatever, fly to whatever country next week), AND where guys don't tell me I'm beautiful and then take advantage of me when I'm drunk. This is what I meant when I told my friends and mom I feel like I died. 

 

I just pray the OBs subside soon.. I want to ride a bike so badly... I want to do the zip-lining... I want to go to a waterfall... I want to have sex or at least masturbate but it just led to an internal outbreak .... this is depriving.... that said, I feel better today than the day before :) 

 

I love your last paragraph -- say those words to yourself too. And man, I love doctors and medical researchers. I will be raising awareness on the virus and help raise funds on the cure. And I wish I could save a girl like me. 

 

 

 

Edited by heididehk

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heididehk

And I would’ve been out there I n the protest every day in Hong Kong... but later 😫

Edited by heididehk

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ILoveSilence
7 hours ago, heididehk said:

Hey, you beautiful person who just wrote an essay to make a stranger feel better. I like how you take perspectives and acknowledge that others, mostly women, experience more severity. For me, I was hospitalized for two weeks due to sepsis and an impaired liver. So for my first outbreak, I did get Valtrex. But the nurse told me I wouldn't need medicine for future outbreaks because they would go away. Thank you - I think I have to fight more for treatment options and support. Will do so. 

 

In the words of the chaplain, ''stop pondering.. and don't blame everything on God". I was also attributing it to some "God's plan" where he wants me to learn to accept myself, flaws and all, because I absolutely hated myself when I had EVERYTHING. Well, not a loving family, but I lived a pretty lucky, adventurous life at 23. Your medical professional is right.. 😃 it is a human condition that we got because of some statistical chance. If you look up stories online, a lot of people got it from their first love or husband, with or without protection.. etc. For me I only had sex three times in my life... it's all chance. It's not a punishment!! It's not your fault. 

 

Yes yes yes ''powerless'' is the word. I thought I was pretty invincible, working and studying abroad alone, I love(d) the freedom of roaming in the streets and I never really got too sick from traveling in rural Africa and SEA. Until this virus hit me. For the first time ever I needed someone to support me 'cause I'm scared and confused as f. I just realised humans ain't infallible. Ouch. I just suddenly don't live in that rosy world anymore, in which there's no illness to worry about, I can do whatever I want (stay up, eat whatever, fly to whatever country next week), AND where guys don't tell me I'm beautiful and then take advantage of me when I'm drunk. This is what I meant when I told my friends and mom I feel like I died. 

 

I just pray the OBs subside soon.. I want to ride a bike so badly... I want to do the zip-lining... I want to go to a waterfall... I want to have sex or at least masturbate but it just led to an internal outbreak .... this is depriving.... that said, I feel better today than the day before :) 

 

I love your last paragraph -- say those words to yourself too. And man, I love doctors and medical researchers. I will be raising awareness on the virus and help raise funds on the cure. And I wish I could save a girl like me. 

 

 

 

Hello again, Heidi! I am glad you are starting to feel better. 

I also came out of the herpes closet yesterday to my mom over the phone. Primarily because I wanted to soften the blow in case my GF leaves me and that puts my further family plans on hold. Quite surprisingly, my mom was really cool about it. She told me that a lot of our family friends apparently have suffered from the same condition. In particular, one couple I remember from teenage years was trying to conceive and has asked my parents to help them get medication from abroad. Apparently it was the wife that was the carrier. Now we are talking about early to mid 90's Russia and our medical care was in shambles around that time. I don't know exactly how but they have managed to conceive and bear two kids no less. So i guess there are indeed some success stories. 

Of course my mom pretty quickly realised that my concerns were not entirely empty and she contacted our family doctor and had me call her. We had a very long convo about how I should treat and manage this. She told me that apparently there are plenty of cases similar to mine these days. The other thing she has told me: "listen, there are plenty more other stuff you have to be concerned about, like cholesterol which can cause heart attacks and dementia. Furthermore, we come into contact with tons of viruses every day that take residence in our systems for life, we just don't notice them. Adjust your lifestyle accordingly, you have to anyway, and you'll be fine". 

I know how you feel about us being infallible. You are totally right about that. This whole experience is like a very rude wake up call. Before I always felt like I could change and amend everything, including my rocky relationship. But now I feel like I've suddenly become a frail old man. Horrible feeling. I keep thinking about my GF more though and how that is going to reflect on her. If she chooses to leave me that will definitely be the day I will die. If I pass this disease  on it will be fate worse than death. Frankly right now I am struggling to find the will to live and do something. Been in bed for the most part of the day. 

Listen, you are only 23. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will definitely do all those great things you wanted to do. I guess the key now is to focus on your health and get better. Truth is in this day and age we have to anyway. All that junk we breath, eat and drink isn't doing us any favours by the way and taking care of our health is important anyway. and if we do that than everything will work out i guess. And you will definitely meet guys. As I come to terms with my condition I am beginning to realise that I would rather be with someone who already has the same issue as I do. At least we can find comfort in each others support. Surely one day you will meet someone like that and go have mad sex by the waterfall whenever you two feel like it. 

By the way, tried jerking off as well during the early stages to relieve stress :) didn't end well for me either

6 hours ago, heididehk said:

And I would’ve been out there I n the protest every day in Hong Kong... but later 😫

Oh yeah, I was wondering about that too. Been meaning to ask you, but thought nah, the girl has enough on her plate as it is at the moment to worry about politics

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