Ruined relationship?

[LoneWolf]

Hello all,

I’m hoping for some clarification, hope, and even some “scientific” proof of some sort. It’s been about two years or so since I had my initial outbreak on my vulva. Yes I went to my doctor, yes I got swabbed but no, I never got specific answers on my diagnosis. All I was told was that I had herpes. Well obviously dating has been a little rough but I thought there was hope. So I’ve gone on a couple of dates with an amazing guy, we have a great time together. On our second date, he discloses to me that he has had cold sores on his lips since he was a kid and that he wanted to let me know before we ever got to kissing. I told him I could relate and explained my story to him. He was open and accepting, we agreed on using condoms whenever we get to that point UNTIL today that the topic was brought up again. Today he told me he did a little more research after I encouraged him to do so, then told me that he read he could get herpes on his penis from me and so now we could date but without sex. 
 

Well, sex is a big thing for me because it creates a different sort of bond, it’s a very connecting moment and he knows my opinion on sex. He’s told me he understands if I don’t want to continue anything with him because of my views on sex. I am seriously hurting pretty badly after the conversation and I don’t know how to respond. 

I could have sworn that that sort of transmission wasn’t a thing. Also, I thought once you have herpes, you can’t get a second initial outbreak on another location. Please correct me if I’m wrong and please give me some sort of link or something that gives me more information on transmission. I know it may be difficult to help me since neither of us know what exact strain we have. But I’m hoping maybe for some clarification, maybe some information that can possibly make him feel comfortable with protected sex. 
 

This is devastating, please help 

[WilsoInAus]

Hey @LoneWolf this makes it imperative for you to understand type through a blood test. It sounds like your swab was not typed (or maybe the doc could check the detail).

It is funny that it is OK for him to expose you to HSV-1 after disclosure but not for him to accept risk the other way!

What you say is true segregated for type. This means it is actually advantageous if you both have the same HSV type, that is, HSV-1 in this instance. This is because your immune system prevents further infection, being so termed 'concordant' is the best position to be in. Note that this does not work if one partner has HSV-2 and the other HSV-1.

Thus you need to find out your type for the best outcome here. It would be a shame for this breakup to happen if you are actually concordant. 

[LoneWolf]

@WilsoInAus that’s what I thought also, like wow how rude BUT he did tell me he'd understand if I didn’t want to kiss him anymore. He said he felt bad because I kissed him and over the weekend he looked into it further and came  to this conclusion. 

So if him and I have different types then what’s the possible outcome, we both infect each other with the strain we don’t have yet?

Also, if I call my doctor to try to get specifics on the test results(which I hope they still have), is there anything in particular I need to ask for? 
 

I’ve moved states since my initial outbreak. Moving forward and getting tested again, what do I and  he need to ask for specifically to make sure we get specific results? Also, about how much do these tests run for? I’m assuming insurance doesn’t cover any of it. 

[WilsoInAus]

@LoneWolf let's assume for a moment that you have HSV-2. This would then mean that he is at risk genitally of being infected with HSV-2. His oral HSV-1 cannot be assumed to provide any protection. 'Suppressive' use of antivirals and condoms are what reduces risk to him. You actually have greater protection from HSV-1, HSV-2 just works that way with good cross reaction against HSV-1.

In terms of your swab, ask if it was PCR or culture. If PCR then it was typed so ask them which type was detected. If culture ask if an immunofluoresence test was applied to the positive culture. If it wasn't then there was no typing. Of course make sure the swab was indeed positive for HSV in the first place.

If type isn't clear from the swab, then request a blood test for IgG antibodies type specific for HSV-1 and HSV-2.

[LoneWolf]

@WilsoInAus so I made a few calls and absolutely nothing was tested for herpes besides a visual confirmation. I will be making an appointment with a new gyno very soon and requesting this specific blood work. 
When you said “You actually have greater protection from HSV-1, HSV-2 just works that way with good cross reaction against HSV-1”, what did you mean?

Heres another scenario question, say condoms and suppressive medications(on my end) are being used, what would have to happen for transmission to occur from me to him? I know there’s mention of shedding but is it only shedding in the areas where the initial outbreak occurred? Would it be safe to say that as long as there isn’t skin to skin contact with my area of initial outbreak that there shouldn’t be transmission?

Also, could I get another initial type outbreak from kissing him?

[WilsoInAus]

@LoneWolf so no swab result or anything? That's very strange. In that case you need the IgG testing type specific for HSV-1 and HSV-2 pronto!

What I mean is that the evidence suggests there is very little protection against HSV-2 if you have HSV-1. However if you have HSV-2 there is a lot of protection against HSV-1! Hence if you have HSV-2 the odds of you getting oral HSV-1 are very small, less than 1% chance a year, probably way less.

Despite use of condoms and antivirals there is still an element of risk. You can shed anywhere in the boxer short region and some reasonable skin to skin contact could occur around the condom protected area. However the chances are not high. It is estimated that there is a 1% chance of him becoming infected each year of sex with you under these circumstances (antivirals religiously and condoms religiously).