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HowDoITellHer

I need to tell her now, but I don't know how

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HowDoITellHer

The last thing I need right now are a bunch of TLDR replies, so I'll keep this short and sweet.

I dated a girl for two years and during our relationship, she found out that she had Herpes. She took Valtrex and had very very very painful outbreaks. I was asymptomatic and showed absolutely no signs of an infection. So, I did the right thing and went straight to the physician.

Blood test: HSV2, negative, HSV1, positive. So, my doctor asked me if I had ever had a cold sore in my life. I couldn't think of a person I knew that didn't. Evidently only 60% of Americans get them...yeah yeah...

Anyway, so I started dating this girl a month ago and I told her I didn't want to have sex for a month. Well, somehow or another, we ended up trading each other for oral sex (trying to amuse ourselves while abstaining from sex). Anyway, afterwards, she asked if the two bumps on my wedding tackle were anything I "caught at college." I panicked and told her no. As soon as she left I spent like 4 hours online looking at pictures and looking at what looked like two tiny pimples on the foreskin (well, I'm cut, so the scar tissue, anyway...), and concluded that I must have contracted HSV1 orally. Well, that's my assumption. I need to go to the doctor.

After that whole episode I have been FREAKING out. I think she is noticing my behavior. Most of it is guilt for not telling her about the whole episode, but my doctor told me I was clean! I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. I love the girl to death, but something like this would drive her away if I didn't put it in exactly the right words. I need your help. PLLLEAASSSEEE! I would be happy to answer any other questions.

THANK YOU!

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mroy324

I know that you're finding yourself in a real hard situation. But, the best advice that I can give you is to try not to get too caught up in the right/wrong way to tell someone.

It's hard, I know. It took every ounce of courage for me to tell my husband that I f*ed up one night when I was out of town on business. Through all the hurt and anger, we have managed move forward together.

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but just say what's in your heart. It'll be fine, no matter the outcome.

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Early

clarification?

I'm sorry, I don't completely understand. Your doctor told you that you had HSV1, which is usually on the mouth (but he also said you're clean?). I'm wondering why you thought it was safe to have oral sex with someone. If I read this wrong, please correct me, but it sounds like you knew you had some type of herpes, yet you put your mouth on her genitals and put your genitals in her mouth. How is that safer than having sex?

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HowDoITellHer
I know that you're finding yourself in a real hard situation. But, the best advice that I can give you is to try not to get too caught up in the right/wrong way to tell someone.

It's hard, I know. It took every ounce of courage for me to tell my husband that I f*ed up one night when I was out of town on business. Through all the hurt and anger, we have managed move forward together.

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but just say what's in your heart. It'll be fine, no matter the outcome.

Thanks, it really helps to hear that from someone. The only thing that is KILLING me is that I let her give me oral without completely knowing if what she saw was HSV1 or not...I mean I know I'm HSV1+, but I'm not sure if what she saw was just dry skin or something like that. I need to make a doctor's appointment and make sure before I tell her, or maybe I'd be better off telling her everything I know and if she accepts that to invite her to go to the doctor with me? She's a paramedic, so hopefully she'd be sympathetic to the common occurrence of this. I just feel so...ugh...horrible. I just wanna' be able to smile and not have this on my shoulders, I need to talk to her ASAP, should I just tell her what I know, or find out for sure first?

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HowDoITellHer
I'm sorry, I don't completely understand. Your doctor told you that you had HSV1, which is usually on the mouth (but he also said you're clean?). I'm wondering why you thought it was safe to have oral sex with someone. If I read this wrong, please correct me, but it sounds like you knew you had some type of herpes, yet you put your mouth on her genitals and put your genitals in her mouth. How is that safer than having sex?

At the time I was with the doctor I had NEVER had ANY sort of genital outbreak of any sorts. He agreed that the HSV1 that showed up on the blood test was probably just exposure as a kid and NOT to worry about anything. This is why I feel HORRIBLE right now and I deserve every emotion I have for not being straight forward with her about my whole ex-situation. I feel like crawling in a hole and not coming out for a very long time now.

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Early

If you have HSV1, even if you've had it since you are were a child (as apparently many people have), you can still pass it on. Whether you got it as a child or from your ex doesn't really matter. What matters is that you have it, and you can pass it to someone's mouth or genitals.

Telling her is another story, but I think it's best to tell the truth. If she feels betrayed and runs, well, you have to deal with it. If you don't tell her and she stays, she'll find out eventually when she gets it, and you'll feel worse (and she'll feel even worse than you). The good part is that if she leaves because you were dishonest with her, you can start fresh and be honest with your next partner, and will not have to carry around your guilt and despair.

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mroy324

I think that you need to be straight forward with her. Tell her what you think is going on, tell her what you know is going on. Asking her to go to the Dr. is a good idea to...if anything for moral support.

Most importantly you can't beat yourself up over your past, and nor should she. Fear can cause us to do crazy things, keep truths from being known....don't crawl into that little hole.

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lilanne19

Unfortunately, when it comes to herpes the doctors are not very helpful. There a plenty of people on here who have said that the doctors downplayed hsv1 so much so that they don't even think that it's a big deal. I mean how bad could it be when they have cold sore medicine at the register at Walgreens. But the truth of the matter is the only difference between hsv1 and 2 is the stigma attached. Since you didn't have the "bad" herpes (hsv2) your doctor led you to believe that it wasn't a big deal. Truthfully, it isn't but you do need to know that you can still pass this on to other people especially during oral sex. For the record genital hsv1 is now the fastest growing form of herpes in America. I think it's because we are all told that it's no big deal, well now you realize it is. Don't beat yourself up, I have hsv1 and 2 and when I was diagnosed my doctor told me no big deal, it wasn't until I did my own research that I realized that was a lie. The only thing you can do now is be very honest with your gf. Tell her you were told that you thought you were exposed but didn't have the virus (although I hope you now know that's bs). I'm a little confused by your post, because it seems like you have genital hsv1. If there were bumps present during the oral than you were probably having an ob which ups the risk of you passing it on. If you guys have been together a month even if she's tested she may test negative since it take approx. 3 months to test positive. At this point, honesty is all you have. You may have given her the gift, own up to it, apologize (although that may do little) and be there for her. Do your research because once you tell here she's going to have questions, so try to have the answers for her.

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livelaughlove

are you sure the only difference between HSV 1 and 2 is the stigma? from what i've been told and read about on the internet---which is probably questionalable too...1 prefers the mouth and 2 prefers the genitals, which would make them different in some form and could that be because of genetic makeup? also, don't they share about 50% of the same DNA. trying to understand for myself:)

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sickchick

I just want to know what is the possibility of giving this to someone if you are not having an ob and you are using a condom? I also want to know if you have hsv2 and you have oral sex with someone can you pass herp to them? Because my understanding of all this is you may as well not have sex unless you want someone in the same boat as us. The doctors give no good advice and no information, before long the whole world will be infected because the medical information is helpless:mad:

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lilanne19

hsv1 prefers to be oral and hsv2 prefers to be genital. That's really the difference. They can both survive and thrive in either locations, however, oral hsv2 seems to cause very little ob's but genital hsv1 can be more bothersome. When they are in their preferred sites, the only difference I'm aware of is that hsv2 seems to shed more. I want to say that hsv1 usually causes fewer ob's but as I have both I've had more hsv1 ob's and only one hsv2. So, I have to disagree with that statement, but that's just me. Without an ob, you can shed hsv1 approx. 4% of the year, hsv2 is somewhere around 15%, however, if you take meds than it's around 2% - 4% for both. So other than their preferred locations and the differences in shedding, there really isn't much difference between them other than the stigma. If you have oral hsv1 you can give someone genital hsv1 (genital herpes) If you have genital hsv1 and someone performs oral on you, you can give them oral herpes. However, it should be said that genital hsv1 sheds less than genital hsv2. As far as how different they are as far as DNA, I've probably read the same literature about them having shared qualities but with regards with the way the behave I think it really depends on the person's immune system. If your immune system is strong you won't get as many ob's and that goes for both strains. But really, there's not that much of a difference at least not in my case. Personally, with having them both in their preferred locations, hsv1 is infinitely more bothersome. Not only because I have more oral ob's (no cold sores, just bumps on my jaw line), but because it's noticeable. At least if I have a hsv2 ob, no one will know but me and my bf.

As far as using condoms, they should not be depended on. This is a skin condition that can shed anywhere in the boxer shorts region. This makes condoms less effective. However, since herpes needs a soft mucus membrane to attach to, it means that condoms are more effective for men than for women. The condom will cover the man's penis, so it protects him better but for women we have a bigger area. If the man is shedding from his scrotum, that makes the condom less effective in protecting us. I read on a condom box that it protects against genital herpes and I guess they're making that statement for the men because they can't possibly say that for women. Unless they are assuming that the man is shedding from his penis only but how could they possibly know that.

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luv2dancebas

HSV1 can be orally or genitally, granted it like the mouth are much better but you can have HSV1 genitally. Typically, HSV2 is only genital but in rare cases you can have it orally. It looks like your doctor wasn't all that informative and gave you very bad advise. You can pass OHSV1 from your mouth to her genitally. My opinion you need to tell her what you know and what you thought. Seek information together and have her get tested, for her own health and peace of mind.

As far as contracting the virus and spreading the virus here is some information I found. Unprotected sex with a positive partner has about a 4% transmission rate if they have no symptoms. With the use of medication/suppressive therapy, a condom, and if she/he continues to remain asymptomatic your looking at a ballpark rage of 2-5% transmission over a year of regular sex. 4-10% without a condom.

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mroy324

Thanks lilanne and luv2dance! I wasn't really sure how to answer those questions. Hopefully this helps "clear the waters" so to speak.

:smile:

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Damaged

Hi Everyone,

I agree with liliane19 of the seclusion of the one human act that brings us together is now not a normal thing for any of us anymore.

I hate this herpes.

In reponse to original post, if they look like the same bumps in pics, they probably are.

If your last gf had HSV2 how did u contract HSV1 downstairs?

I have HSV 1 downstairs thanks to oral sex.

I thought if no outbreak is present you are generally safe to have sex again. The caution is with shedding of the skin which periodically with no symptoms carries the same contagious effect.

I send you all my blessings we can overcome our shame.

Damaged

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