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Deadhead

sexual frustration

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Deadhead

My gf knows for a while now and thing have been heating up. Tonight we were so close, but when I went to get protection and asked her if she was sure...I got a "Yeah... ... I think" I knew we weren't ready at that moment. So IT didn't happen. We tortured each other for the rest of the night...kissing and grinding and I gave her oral...but nothing for me. I can deal but it is getting old. I want her to know for sure that I am the one for her, but the waiting and teasing has gone on for a long time now. I don't want to sound like I am rushing her because I have told her I will wait as long as it takes...and I will. I also want to make sure I am doing the right thing for myself, so here's my question to all of you...

When you think you have found "the one"...what questions do you ask yourself to determine if they are really the right one for you?

Weird question?? I don't know you be the judge.

All I know is that I care for her a great deal and I want to keep her around for a long time. Does this mean that it is ok to put her at risk of contracting hsv? (Of course we will take all proper precautions to avoid this) It seems like the worst thing to do to someone you really care about. I mean if it doesn't work out and she gets it...well then she is in my shoes, and the cycle continues. That sucks. I want it to stop with me. This is the last stop for this shit.

I am so frustrated with this that it is making me mad. And I am a pretty mellow dude.

I am kinda rambling and all...but if anyone has input...it is welcome as always.

Hope everyone had a merry christmas.

Peace

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shutterbug

I think it pretty much rocks that you listened to that "yeah.....i think" with your head, and not something else... ;) Kudos to you for that!

Ultimately, this is really a decision that only she can make, and I think if you really care for her, you just have to be patient. Whan you CAN do is engage her in conversation about it... talk about her fears... be armed with as much information as you can be, and just keep telling her that you care about her well-being and want her to make the best decision for HER.

Maybe others can be more helpful than me... as a girl, I am trying to put myself in her shoes and think about what I would want...

Your patience might pay off though, so keep up the good work. :)

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Deadhead

Well thanks shutterbug...it is hard to make logical decisions at those moments, with the loss of blood flow to the brain and all.

I guess what i've been thinking about today is that I feel like I have put this decision in her hands and I don't like not having any control over the situation.

I mean how do you try, or make a move or whatever you want to call it? That puts even more pressure on her to make a decision at the worst time to actually think about all these grim realities. Do I just wait for her to make all the moves?? I don't think I can handle that...it takes all the give and take away from sex...for me, sex has to be this living, breathing combination of two people. Whe you are both on the same page it makes a world of difference in the satisfaction and connection between two people.

This is becoming a real struggle for me and I can't stop thinking about it...I thought I would be able to handle this a lot better. I want our relationship to go to this level but at the same time I really don't want her to get this crap!

I am glad I can get all this out somewhere...

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shutterbug

well, I dont think you have to give up total control... I just think that inevitably, if you care about her well-being, you have to let her decide that she wants to be intimate with you before you can really put your "give" into the "give & take." If that makes sense...

It's a risk, regardless of what precautions you take... She has to be willing to take that risk, before it becomes something you can both take part in... And it sounds like you really care for her, so you know what they say... good things come to those who wait.

I hope it turns out well for you!! :)

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catiesmom

Personally, her situation sounds like heaven to me. I'd give anything to have a guy who will tease me and grind on me, then give me oral and go home. ;)

I agree with Shutterbug - you need to open up the dialog. The frustrating moment when she says 'no' is probably not the time, but it can't hurt to ask her what her fears are and what you can do to help her understand the virus and work past her fears. I think you also have to consider that she may not be able to.... imagine if you were in her shoes? You really would like to sleep with someone, but if you do you're at risk of catching a life-long disease. It's enough to make me say 'Yeah....i think'.

Best of luck!

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Now_what?

Like the above comment UBER KUDOS for listening to 'maybe' :)

HSV is not easy to live with... and since I contracted it, I live with constant fear of infecting my boyfriend.

All I can tell you is... if its meant to be, its meant to be. (I sound like my mother!!)

I have very recently come to terms with the fact that I could possible infect my boyfriend, but its a risk he is willing to take. You need to make sure she is really really willing to take that risk. It sucks you have to wait, but believe me... it will be all the sweeter when you finally 'hook up' ;)

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Deadhead

We have talked about this and I know she is educating herself on her own. I really like that about her, some girls have been too quick to hop into the sack and it is a turn off. She is an educated woman and takes care of her body religiously.

It just gets to a point where she says these things that would under any normal circumstances lead me to believe that she is ready. It takes all I have to stop her! I would have never thought I would be stopping a chick when she says "I want you to f?:* me" I think that just came out... because she doesn't really talk like that...things were really hot at that point. But come on, that is next to impossible to say no to that... especially when I am so into her.

She has the most beautiful body and smile and soft wonderful breasts and lips and hair and eyes and she touches me like she wants me. And yes Catiesmom it is probably an ideal situation for her in some ways...but she keeps telling me she wants me and I think I keep talking her out of it. I know she is frustrated too.

This is getting real complicated, and I think New Years is gonna be a real test to our strength. Please send good vibes my way...I am gonna need them.

thank you all for reading my rambling ass posts and replying with honesty.

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tohealth

Well, I'll ramble right back, since I don't have any advice to offer...But I've never been a teaser or been into anything not direct. I tell men very directly, "I won't be having sex with you in this lifetime" or "Whenever I become interested in sex, I will look you straight in the eyes and I'll tell you--you won't have to ask, guess, analyze, interpret, decode or anything. I'll be very plain." It works for me because I have a bullshit aversion and flirting and teasing to me are bullshit (I'm not claiming to be normal). I don't like mysteries, I don't like to have to figure stuff out so I don't do the facade thing.

Well clearly this post is all about me---back to you: Ok I don't know really. I think I'd have to tell her, "Look, tell me clearly when you're ready. Be sure and be clear or see you later. There's enough mystery to figure out in the world, I don't need any extra puzzles. It doesn't matter when you're ready it just matters that it's clear." But that's just me...

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annyi

Tohealth, You go girl! I am another straight forward gal like you, I can't understand anyone who is "not sure". At this moment, consider everything you know about me, do you want me or not, not a difficult question. No one can predict the future, everyone changes, no one can guarrantee how things will be after five years. But, based on what you know about me--ask me if you want to know more--do you honestly want to be with me? What does it mean "I am not sure?!"

Well, I'll ramble right back, since I don't have any advice to offer...But I've never been a teaser or been into anything not direct. I tell men very directly, "I won't be having sex with you in this lifetime" or "Whenever I become interested in sex, I will look you straight in the eyes and I'll tell you--you won't have to ask, guess, analyze, interpret, decode or anything. I'll be very plain." It works for me because I have a bullshit aversion and flirting and teasing to me are bullshit (I'm not claiming to be normal). I don't like mysteries, I don't like to have to figure stuff out so I don't do the facade thing.

Well clearly this post is all about me---back to you: Ok I don't know really. I think I'd have to tell her, "Look, tell me clearly when you're ready. Be sure and be clear or see you later. There's enough mystery to figure out in the world, I don't need any extra puzzles. It doesn't matter when you're ready it just matters that it's clear." But that's just me...

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Deadhead

well apparently you two are genetic anomalies. Annyi and ms. health where have you been all my life?!

Seriously though, I can understand why she is having a hard time with this. She is very concious about her health and she has never had to deal with this before. And she's not the only one having a hard time either...this has been hard for me. I have had a few partners since I was diagnosed, but she is different. I am having trouble commiting because I don't want her to get this. I am usually the one talking her out of it. weird. I know she wants to have more kids and I do too, so possibility of infection to the baby is something she is scared of. Her first (and only) child was a completely natural birth, and she is scared of being forced into a c section if she gets hsv. All hypothetical, but definitely a concern.

Anyway I guess I am defending her a bit. She is pretty straight forward with anything else...she has a lot to think about with this situaution and i really admire that she isn't making a rash judgement. Ha. I think she will make the right decision. And if she does then I will be a lucky guy.

peace

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shoelover07

Hmm well I guess I'm a typical female cause I like to be chased. If I turn down a guy for sex and he just says "OK" I'm kind of offended haha. Of course those situations didn't involve HSV so it's different.

I think you would probably feel best if she told you she was ready for sex when you guys were NOT in the heat of the moment, so that you would KNOW it wasn't a decision she'd regret the next morning. So like everyone said, talk with her and discuss her fears while you're not in bed together. Also, make sure you're not contributing to her fears by using a lot of negative terms, etc. When I found out that I had GH, I told my two best friends. One was very positive, and she said stuff like "It's not the end of the world, there's a lot worse things out there that you could have, lots of people have herpes of the mouth and no one thinks badly of them, etc". My other friend said something to the effect of "Oh my god!! that's HORRIBLE! I can't believe that! etc." Guess who made me feel better about myself and helped me accept my situation?

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tohealth
Hmm well I guess I'm a typical female cause I like to be chased. If I turn down a guy for sex and he just says "OK" I'm kind of offended haha.

Ok allow me to go all off topic....this disturbs me. Maybe somebody can explain this. This makes it really hard for women. Women like me who are honest, and straightforward have to combat all the previous images men have of game-playing, "no-means-yes" women and it is really burdensome and sometimes dangerous. Men I know have all seemed to really appreciate my no-games way around sex, and to be honest, they have appeared exceedingly, exceedingly turned on by clarity, by women who know when, how and what sex they want, period. So I know I may not be representative, but I think women who like the chase don't understand that a chase is not the same as manipulation and fabricated confusion. People can pursue each other without being manipulated like toys. I don't toy with men (or women). I think sex is definitely an area where people need to be absolutely clear about what they want and don't want, because too many men mistake no for yes just because they assume that all women are really just teasing. Women do not help themselves by sending mixed signals to men, I don't think. It's not fair to either gender IMO. Ok, off soap box...

As for deadhead, it sounds like you two have something special. Hey have you all considered the female condom? It's more protective than the male one....

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Deadhead

THe female condom huh? I have not considered that...it seems odd to me, but I am not against anything that is more protestive! Have you used it? How is it more protective?

I definitely agree that a confident woman is extremely sexy.

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alwaysalone

psh good job on waiting man i cant say that i would have taken the same line to heart and understood, but im an idiot. ha. as far as the one for you?

can you stand to be around her straight for a week then leave for an hour and honestly miss her? ha thats a good hint. kinda. i mean how does anyone know its the "one" everyone is different right? i hope you find what you are looking for bro.

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tohealth
THe female condom huh? I have not considered that...it seems odd to me, but I am not against anything that is more protestive! Have you used it? How is it more protective?

I definitely agree that a confident woman is extremely sexy.

Well I think it is a little odd because people are just more accustomed to the male condom, and it's definitely different. I actually have not used it, but I wouldn't hesitate to do so. It's certainly more expensive than the male condom and nobody is generally handing out the female ones for free, but the good part is that it covers the entire vulva of the female so not even your scrotum (and upper part of penis often left exposed in male condom) should really come into contact with her and that's where the increased protection mostly happens.

Also, thoughtful, caring men (like you) are definitely sexy to me, DH. :wink:

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Deadhead

Hey Angel I don't know how long I could really let someone treat me like a piece of dirt. I am actually sick and tired of women thinking they have a right to do that just because they have a vagina.

And to alwaysalone...That's the problem, I never get to spend that much time with her. We both have 3 yr. old daughters. I have split custody, and she has full. That leaves 1 night a week for us to hang out alone. but i do think about her all the time, and enjoy her company when we are together.

Toheatlh. I appreciate the info. I don't think I would ever use it, but if it made her more comfortable I would...I am not sure anything is going to make her feel comfortable though. I am beginning to have thoughts that it may never happen. I heard in a movie..."Sex is like chinese food...it's not over till you both get your cookies." She obviously never saw that movie. That is all I have to say about that.

Hope you all are well.

Thanks for the support.

Deadhead

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