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shutterbug

how can I help HIM feel better?

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shutterbug

a little history first... I started dating my current boyfriend about 4 months ago. 1 month ago, I had my primary outbreak and tested positive for HSV via a culture test and needless to say was absolutely SHOCKED at the news. He has never had visible symptoms that he is aware of, and was also shocked to even think this was something I could have gotten from him. He went to get tested for the antibodies... YESTERDAY, his IgG's came back >5 for HSV type II, and from what I understand, the IgG's are the antibodies that develop after long-term exposure to the virus, pretty much confirming that he did infact pass HSV to me...

As you may have gathered from my other threads... My body is not handling this virus very well. It has been a very long, difficult, symptom-filled month for me, driving me (a few times) to the point of frustrated tears...

Needless to say... He is struggling with some pretty serious guilt over the situation. I've told him again and again that it's going to be ok, and I'm not angry (how could I be when he clearly did not know??) I want to help him get through this just as he sat with me in the hospital and held my hand and made sure I was never alone a month ago when I was SO sick from that outbreak. I guess I just need advice on how? Does anyone have any words of wisdom??

From my point of view... this diagnosis, as shocking and frustrating as it has proven to be thus far, does not (at ALL) change how I feel about him. I'm hoping in the end, that it can bring us closer as a couple... I just hope we can get through this!!

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sad sore & sorry
...I started dating my current boyfriend about 4 months ago. 1 month ago, I had my primary outbreak and tested positive for HSV ....He has never had visible symptoms that he is aware of, and was also shocked to even think this was something I could have gotten from him. He went to get tested for the antibodies... YESTERDAY, his IgG's came back >5 for HSV type II, and from what I understand, the IgG's are the antibodies that develop after long-term exposure to the virus, pretty much confirming that he did infact pass HSV to me...

... My body is not handling this virus very well. It has been a very long, difficult, symptom-filled month for me, driving me (a few times) to the point of frustrated tears...

Needless to say... He is struggling with some pretty serious guilt over the situation. I've told him again and again that it's going to be ok, and I'm not angry (how could I be when he clearly did not know??) I want to help him get through this just as he sat with me in the hospital and held my hand and made sure I was never alone a month ago when I was SO sick from that outbreak.

Were you admitted to hopsital with this ? or was this the emergency room ?

He sounds like a decent man.

I causght it from someone who didn't know either - tho he had many outbreaks he didn't know what it was or meant and there was NO education resources in his country and it was before the internet was what it is today. I don't "blame" him really either - bc we all know the shock and disbelief and frankly a lot of people don't want to go there voluntarily.

But I also do if you get my drift - blame him. He had sex with me during an outbreak which I didn't see. Your guy is a bit different - he didn't have a clue.

You probably can't help him feel better.

I think we all know how we would feel if we infected someone, let alone made someone else as sick as you have been - watched them suffer and cry.

He's entitled to feel shit.

He's alos just found out he has a permanent, incurable, stigmatous venereal disease. We all know that one !

You are being super-understanding and forgiving and that is the best you can do.

But suggest you work out a system for when you are sick bc he will probably repeat this scene every time you get an outbreak and you don't want to be hiding it to avoid that either.

Phone the local VD / STD service and ask if they have counselling. Its quite possibly free.

Show him this forum and get him to join ? He's one of us after all.

The MASSIVE plus you have is that you are now the same.

You can never give this to each other again.

If you are well-matched and decide to be together (not bc of this) and in fact do, then - apart from the outbreaks ruining your week- which you can allay with antivirals, its almost like neither of you have it, from a "risk" point of view. That is a big plus. I was almost hoping my BF had it so it wasn't a "risk" issue. But he didn't - not even type 1. He said "you lucked out". If he's had it 1. he would not have been afraid of catching it and 2. I wouldn't have to spend my annual vacation money on valtrex. No such "luck". Perhaps that is a positive for you both - or will be in time. It all takes time.

Please keep us posted :)

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VVK

I hope you can work things out - he does sound like a great guy. He may need reassurance about that and that you still feel the same way about him. In the end, it doesn't really matter if he didn't know or not - he can always blame himself for not getting tested for common STDs before coming into contact with you. I think that's what it comes down to.. ignorance is not an excuse and he has the right to feel miserable about doing this to you. Perhaps you may have to have a much deeper talk with him about this, to figure out what can make the situation better for both of you. Maybe he might want to learn more about the disease and how to help you cope with it? It's difficult to just "fix things".. it usually takes time. He may be the kind of guy who needs to deal with it on his own or maybe he might benefit from talking with you about it.

Also, as a general note, do not think that you cannot spread HSV from the genital region to the oral region or vice versa. Likewise, if you have an outbreak and he doesn't, you can still cause him to get an outbreak, and vice versa again. You still need to be careful.

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shutterbug

Thanks sad & VVK!

Since I was diagnosed back in the beginning of December, we've been doing our homework. Because even if it had been me that had been carrying it, we knew that there was a possibility we were now "in it together" since we had been having unprotected sex.

Sad... I ended up being sent to the ER by my primary care doc because my fevers were SO high (103.8 at some points), and absolutely nothing would break them. My doctor decided there must have been some other infection going on in there which is what lowered my immune system and caused me to have the OB to begin with... So after being on an antibiotic IV, my body temp was back under control... They were concerned with my organs shutting down, because my temp had been up over 102 for about 5 straight days, and my heart was beating somewhat irregularly.

I stayed over his apartment last night and we ended up talking about it for a really long time. He says he believes I am not upset at him, and that it definitely helps him. I think he's just trying desperately to figure out where and when he may have contracted this himself. He has his theories, and I am just going to support him in whatever he decides he needs to do (contacting past partners, etc... Not to place blame, but really just to inform them to maybe get tested as well.)

I'm pretty disappointed in myself for not making it a point to be tested, and for not asking him to be tested before we became intimate... But I'm not sure knowing before-hand would have changed my mind about this guy. Maybe we would have taken all the precautions we could have taken, but I probably still would have ended up with HSV in the end. I feel pretty strongly that we're going to get through this, and maybe come out a pretty strong "team" in the end... I hope anyway.

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