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Deliberately infected with herpes :(


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Hi. I found this forum and could really do with some advice or someone to talk to. A few years ago I caught HSV-2 from my ex fiancé. He had an outbreak of a few sores when we slept together in the very early stages of us dating and told me it wasn’t anything to worry about and he had just caught himself on something. I became ill a month later and ended up in hospital. I was having really bad outbreaks as my immune system wasn’t great, and I still get outbreaks almost each month 4 years later both on my genitals and on my face. The night I remember seeing the sore, we slept together and then he wanted me to give him oral sex as it was painful for him to sleep with me. Stupidly I believed him, it didn’t look awful, just a few red marks. 

When I got my positive result, his behaviour towards me was awful. He blamed me for being weak, would shout and swear at me and watch me cry. Especially after consultations that had left me feeling so degraded. He didn’t want me to speak to my family or friends, and told me I had betrayed him for telling my mum and a doctor he had slept with a prostitute.  He left me for a week saying he needed space, and the more ill I got the more horrible he was to me. I literally wanted to die. Those first few months are so mentally hard when you get diagnosed, and it was made even harder. 
 

Anyway, fast forward a year and I found a prescription. He had been treated for herpes BEFORE he had infected me. When I confronted him, he told me I was mentally unwell and hadn’t got over the death of my dad and was imagining things. He told me I was crazy, that no one would put up with me or love me except him. I broke off our engagement and 6 months later I finally found out the truth. He had known, and had also done this to another girl. The night we slept together and he had an outbreak, he had been told what to do at clinics to avoid spreading it, but said he refused to tell me or use protection because he was scared I would leave. He said he was ashamed and wanted to pretend he didn’t have it, he told me he took my choice away and it was easier to blame me for being weak with my outbreaks than it was to accept he had done this. And that he felt once we had each other we wouldn’t have to worry about finding anyone else. He said he had been horrible to me because actually he was angry with himself and it was his way of coping. 
 

He watched me for 9 days undiagnosed when my doctors thought it could be cervical cancer. That first outbreak is so painful and he knew what it was and could have told me or a doctor and allowed me to get medication. I lost all control of my bladder, it spread because I wasn’t aware what it was and I was mentally on the floor. I was made to feel dirty and ashamed for having herpes. 
 

I’m writing this, firstly to see if anyone has had anything similar. To be given this recklessly by someone you deeply love and trust who knows they have it and ignore all advice on how to prevent spreading it. Mentally that has destroyed me, especially after years of him saying I was crazy and unwell when all the time he was hiding a secret. 
 

Secondly, I really want him to face some sort of justice but I worry for a few reasons. I have enough evidence to prove he knew, and I think it can be classed as GBH. I’m worried because I don’t want to stigmatise HSV even more. He made me feel dirty and ashamed and that’s exactly what I’ve worked hard on telling myself it isn’t. I wouldn’t care a single bit if I had caught this by accident - but this wasn’t an accident. I totally get feeling embarrassed but to not tell someone before you sleep with someone, particularly if you’re having an active outbreak, is just so sick and twisted. Passing on herpes shouldn’t be an issue if you don’t know, but this is completely different and feels so wrong. I want him to face something, for everything he put me through both physically and mentally. And he still has no remorse for what he’s done which is the worst of it. I’m worried he will just keep on infecting women. 
 

Finally, we decided to go privately with some of the treatment as my doctors wouldn’t give me more than 7 days of antivirals at a time and I was having such bad outbreaks...one doctor didn’t even know what it was. I found an amazing guy in London and it allowed me to medicate more and just understand it more and he really changed my whole life in terms of dealing with it when I had outbreaks so often. When I separated with my ex I asked him to pay for the consultant I had been using, but he would only pay for it in return for me signing a non disclosure agreement so no one could find out what he had done. So now I feel gagged and silenced with no idea of what to do. I feel ashamed of even asking him to pay for it: in financially secure but I just wanted him to have to accept some kind of responsibility. He even tried to pay me money not to go to the police, which I didn’t sign.

I just wanted to reach out to you all, and see what you think. I want to stop someone doing this, and using an infection as a way of sort of trapping someone and then mentally controlling them. I almost took my own life because I felt weak and like I had let him down. But I also worry that I would have a backlash of people saying that herpes isn’t anything bad. I certainly don’t feel that when I have painful outbreaks or mentally from what he did. I can’t imagine not telling someone especially when I had a sore outbreak. As I say, I would feel totally different if this was an accident, but this is someone knowing what they have and using it to hurt people :(

Edited by Hope07
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OMG I'm so sorry. Thats  terrible. I think that guy should be punished. That was so intentional.

Firstly, I'm not sure what the laws are in the UK, but in the USA its possible to sue for transmitting to someone knowingly , on purpose. I think here there is 2 (or 3??) year window to file with courts ,Its called a "Tort" here. Get an attorney/barrister to see what your laws are.

Do you have evidence, like emails or texts where he admits it? it will be difficult likely if you don't have proof or witnesses. But, he can be made to pay for your medical bills and pain and suffering if found guilty. It might offer you some sense of  peace or justice. What he did is truly terrible. I really empathize with you.

I had a similar story, however not quite as horrific as yours.

My former fiancee also transmitted it to me.   he also treated me terribly when I was very sick and in misery for the month I was ill from initial infection.  He would yell at me to stop crying, and how did I think my crying made him feel. He denied it was from him.  Then he said I must have infected him. I had had testing done before we were together so I knew it wasn't from me. I then asked to see his test results ( after my infection) that he said he had done... He didn't have any test results. Nice, huh?

We had sex  that one particular night and the next day, he said we hurt his dick during sex. I looked at it and  there were a bunch of sores on his penis. I had never seen herpes in real life but it looked like all the pictures I had seen. I told him that but he didn't seem upset.  He didn't run to the DR. He said the sores didn't hurt.  I shrugged it off  with "well, he would know if he had it, right?".His sores healed quickly and  I was  then thinking it couldn't be HSV.   Maybe a week later, we had sex again ( too soon I know). I started to get a UTI.  About 10  day later  from that  first night , I had a full on terrible outbreak. Fever, UTI, sores, the works. The was on Christmas. Thats what I got for Christmas from him. I am not sure which night I contracted it and I always wonder if I could have prevented it if I had not had sex like a naive dummy that second time. To lessen my guilt, I tell myself it probaby would not have mattered. He was likely contagious that first night too.

He half apologized months later saying  "if" he had given me something, he was sorry. He later dumped me by ghosting me because he was tired of my tears and depression from getting  so many recurrent  outbreaks and also a bonus HPV  infection from him. Told everyone I was a hypochondriac to explain why he broke up with me. 

I will never know if he knew he had it all along. He claimed he didn't know , but I am not sure about that. I think he just ignored it. He didn't seem to get very many outbreaks... unlike me. 

So, I hear you and I completely empathize with you. Its better that we are not with jerks like these. Maybe herpes saved us ( in a way)? I try hard to see it like that. I hate this disease. it has ruined so much. My HPV just cleared. It took 3 years . Yay! small victory.

Anyway, its not  your fault.  Forgive yourself.

Get a barrister or find out the law in the UK to see what recourse you have. If too much time has passed and you cannot sue, maybe getting  that legal paper /settlement  Oked by your attorney for this ass to pay for your medical bills is worth it?? A non-disclosure will definitely be in it , thats common and would likely be the case in court  lawsuit (if you sue) as well.  His offering you money not to go to the police is admission of guilt. If you have emails or texts of that, thats your ticket.

Again I am so sorry. Best wishes to you. :heart:

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oh, and before you sue or talk to an attorney, tell several people in the town he lives in what happened, so they  (rather than you) can spread the story about what an ass he is so he doesn't do it to someone else , if you  should sign a non-disclosure😀

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On 2/26/2020 at 11:14 PM, IcantThinkofaName said:

OMG I'm so sorry. Thats  terrible. I think that guy should be punished. That was so intentional.

Firstly, I'm not sure what the laws are in the UK, but in the USA its possible to sue for transmitting to someone knowingly , on purpose. I think here there is 2 (or 3??) year window to file with courts ,Its called a "Tort" here. Get an attorney/barrister to see what your laws are.

Do you have evidence, like emails or texts where he admits it? it will be difficult likely if you don't have proof or witnesses. But, he can be made to pay for your medical bills and pain and suffering if found guilty. It might offer you some sense of  peace or justice. What he did is truly terrible. I really empathize with you.

I had a similar story, however not quite as horrific as yours.

My former fiancee also transmitted it to me.   he also treated me terribly when I was very sick and in misery for the month I was ill from initial infection.  He would yell at me to stop crying, and how did I think my crying made him feel. He denied it was from him.  Then he said I must have infected him. I had had testing done before we were together so I knew it wasn't from me. I then asked to see his test results ( after my infection) that he said he had done... He didn't have any test results. Nice, huh?

We had sex  that one particular night and the next day, he said we hurt his dick during sex. I looked at it and  there were a bunch of sores on his penis. I had never seen herpes in real life but it looked like all the pictures I had seen. I told him that but he didn't seem upset.  He didn't run to the DR. He said the sores didn't hurt.  I shrugged it off  with "well, he would know if he had it, right?".His sores healed quickly and  I was  then thinking it couldn't be HSV.   Maybe a week later, we had sex again ( too soon I know). I started to get a UTI.  About 10  day later  from that  first night , I had a full on terrible outbreak. Fever, UTI, sores, the works. The was on Christmas. Thats what I got for Christmas from him. I am not sure which night I contracted it and I always wonder if I could have prevented it if I had not had sex like a naive dummy that second time. To lessen my guilt, I tell myself it probaby would not have mattered. He was likely contagious that first night too.

He half apologized months later saying  "if" he had given me something, he was sorry. He later dumped me by ghosting me because he was tired of my tears and depression from getting  so many recurrent  outbreaks and also a bonus HPV  infection from him. Told everyone I was a hypochondriac to explain why he broke up with me. 

I will never know if he knew he had it all along. He claimed he didn't know , but I am not sure about that. I think he just ignored it. He didn't seem to get very many outbreaks... unlike me. 

So, I hear you and I completely empathize with you. Its better that we are not with jerks like these. Maybe herpes saved us ( in a way)? I try hard to see it like that. I hate this disease. it has ruined so much. My HPV just cleared. It took 3 years . Yay! small victory.

Anyway, its not  your fault.  Forgive yourself.

Get a barrister or find out the law in the UK to see what recourse you have. If too much time has passed and you cannot sue, maybe getting  that legal paper /settlement  Oked by your attorney for this ass to pay for your medical bills is worth it?? A non-disclosure will definitely be in it , thats common and would likely be the case in court  lawsuit (if you sue) as well.  His offering you money not to go to the police is admission of guilt. If you have emails or texts of that, thats your ticket.

Again I am so sorry. Best wishes to you. :heart:

Thank you so much. First of all I’m so sorry you went through that awful time. I kind of have to think of it the same way sometimes...contracting it in the way I did saved me in the end from an incredibly controlling and mentally abusive partner. I’ve got everything admitted in emails and texts and I even recorded him on tape. He paid some money privately towards my treatment in exchange for the NDA, but just it just felt so awful taking it. It made me want to try to make him face something in the criminal justice system, where he can’t gag the women he’s doing this too. Not for money, but to force him to face up to the fact it’s just not OK to do this to someone :( He’s not even remorseful, which was the worst part. I just don’t understand why anyone would do this to someone on purpose or at the very least knowing what it would do, and then treat them so badly when they contract it. There must be so many people in this situation, and it suddenly makes it such an awful experience because of how you contracted it and the memories of that relationship each time you have an outbreak. Thank you so much again, it really means a lot and I’ll definitely look into all of that xx

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Something similar happened to me. He knew he had it, lied to me when I asked him about his STI tests prior to sleeping with him. He wasn’t taking antivirals or trying to reduce my risk at all. And after I was diagnosed, he tried to say, “it’s okay, this just means we should stay together. You don’t need to be worried about other people accepting you. If we both have this, then we can just stay together!” He said this and I realized he knew all along that he had it! Then hours later he says he went and got tested positive for HSV2 and was prescribed antivirals. All within a few hours - even though he had a 4 hour drive home before he could get into the doctor lol. SI really feel like he was trying to trap me and manipulate me!!! 
 

INFORMED CONSENT IS SO IMPORTANT! and I specifically asked him if he had a blood test for HSV! He lied!!! 
 

The only reason I’m not pursuing legal action is because I don’t want to start a long process that is going to prevent me from accepting this & moving on. I don’t want to hold onto this anger because I want to heal. I do think he deserves justice, and I worry about him doing this to somebody else, but for my own well-being.... I’ve decided I need to try and move on. 

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  • 2 months later...

My husband had an affair and gave it to me. He didn’t KNOW he had contracted it from her. But it still feels like he knowingly did it because he chose to have an affair and didn’t even bother with protection. It’s a painful situation. I’m mentally frail. Have been since diagnosed 16 months ago. I was suicidal at first. But I’m better now. 

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