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Penn

Helping him get over the fear

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Penn

I'm new here and posted a quick hello in the newbie section.

Anyway, the issue I have is not in the telling, but in the aftermath. I told the guy I've been seeing for 6 weeks about my HSV two weeks ago. I've had the virus for 12 years so I'm used to the talk. I've got it down to a science. The one thing I can't seem to help though is the fear the talk creates. The guy I'm seeing was stressed about it but said he didn't want to stop dating me because of this... he did, however, say he wasn't comfortabel with touching me. I told him it was normal to be scared and I would feel the same if the table were turned and that we would take things very slow.

Since the talk, we've been alone more than once and whenever things get a a little "steamy" (like me touching him), I can feel his stress. I've asked him if he was ok with me touching him, he said he was but didn't feel comfortable toucing me. I told him that was ok and that me touching him didn't oblige him to touch me back. He was fine with that. He,s a guy... of course he is fine with that!! Anyway, I realise I'M the one who told it was ok to conitnue like this, but now I'm starting to feel a little rejected. I know that he will eventually feel comfortable enough to move things ahead or this relationship will end, but I wonder how long do I wait around for him to get comfortable. I realize I'm saying this after only a few weeks, but with the last guy I dated, I waited around 6 months for him to get comfortabel with the situation. In the end it just never happened and I had to move on.

I can understand that someone isn't comfortable with the issue and respect their decision if they chose not to persue things, but at some point you HAVE to reach that fork in the road, right? Either you are sexually comfortable with the situation or your not, but either way, it needs to come to a head.

So how do you deal with a partner who says they are ok with the situation but their actions say something else? How do you get passed it? Do you bring it up again? Do you wait it out? I'd love to hear your stories.

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livelaughlove

Penn- i have no advice to offer since i've only had HSV 1 below the waist for about 4 months and haven't had to have the talk with anyone yet...but since you mentioned that you have the talk down to a science would you mind elaborating on your version of "the talk" so that us newbies can have the info? thanks:)

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memyselfI

yes, please, would you and...

also, dating is dating. Personally for me I'm not doing anything sexual w/anyone until after I decide I can see a future w/the individual. Then I'll tell them I have herpes, (hopefully w/the talk your going to share with us Penn?:D) and then leave it up to them. Give them at least a week to think about it w/out calling them or seeing them and go from there I guess. If they don't love(or whatever the kids are calling it these days?:D) me and don't feel comfortable touching me ....forget it. It will only hurt more later and quite frankly I have enough "friends" I have known about my herpes since may 07 so obviously please don't take this advice as you have lived with this much longer. What I do know about is not ending a relationship that I know is eventually going to end because I'm a gluten for punishment and I fear being alone... Until I'm alone and then its not that bad; its lonely but it's also lonely being with someone who doesn't love you enough to touch you. When it comes down to life love and all that... well, I just know that God has some purpose for me being here and hopefully I can find that and fullfill it.. that will be all the love and life I will need... now if I would only believe my own pep talk all the time life would be great! Urgh!! The truth is I'm sick of being single girl, I don't know what to tell you except try and keep the faith. God can see around corners and we can't. Maybe this guy is a total loser or maybe he just needs time... I know for sure I can not see around corners.

Much love chakeeta!

meme

P.S. have you ever dated anyone from the online herpes sites; I went out w/one guy who seemed cool and am trying it again (dif guy) in the near future...why not, right?

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Penn

I think the most important thing about the talk is your attitude towards it. Before anyone can love you, you have to love yourself. Herpes is a part of your life, but you can’t let it define your life.

Herpes is such a small part of my life that I often forget I have it. In fact the only time it becomes problematic is when I’m starting a new relationship. I am very lucky as I only get an outbreak every couple of years. I realize this is not the case for everyone, but if your attitude is that herpes doesn’t define you, then your partner will see that as well.

I always tell my partner before any sexual contact and I think this is extremely important.

I don’t wait for a specific time, I just talk about it when I feel the time is right. If I sense things are going to become more heated, I make sure we have the talk before things become more steamy. I guess the easiest way to do this is to pretend I’m with a partner and say it like I would:

There’s something I need to talk to you about. It’s not a really big deal in my life, but I it’s something you deserve to know upfront. (Deep breath) I have herpes. I’m sure you’ve heard of herpes before, but before you panic, let me tell you a bit about it. I know when I first found out I had it I freaked out because I knew it was an STD but other than that I knew very little. Have you ever had a coldsore? (most of the time the answer is yes) Well, the herpes virus is exactly the same virus as the coldsore virus but in a different location. I think it’s important for people to realize this because there isn’t any stigma with a coldsore, but unfortunately there is with HSV. HSV is transmitted through skin to skin contact and bodily fluids. This means you can’t get herpes on, say, your finger, unless you have an open wound.

Anyone can get herpes and it doesn’t mean I am promiscuous. In fact, at 31, I’ve only had a handful of partners. I got HSV when I was 19 because my boyfriend at the time had a coldsore on his mouth. I was a virgin and didn’t want to have intercourse before I felt I was truly in love. However, I decided to have oral sex with said boyfriend. This is how I came to get the virus. Of course, I was devastated! I only found out about 8 months later after that relationship ended and a new one had started. I was devastated! How could I, a virgin, have contracted this vile disease. I thought my boyfriend at the time would never love me. I thought my life was over. However, my boyfriend was very understanding and after much talking we decided we could get over this hump in the road. We eventually had sex (months later… he was my first) and ended up staying together for 8 years. In those 8 years, my boyfriend never got HSV. We always used condoms and didn’t have any sexual contact when I had an outbreak. After the first year or so we kinda forgot about it… it was just that insignificant in our relationship. I rarely have an outbreak… maybe once every few years. Things eventually ended between us because of issues completely unrelated to the HSV.

Since then, I’ve always told any potential partner about my HSV. Some were ok with it and some weren’t and I completely understand either reaction. I’ve always tried to put myself in my partners shoes. If I had never gotten HSV and a guy I was seeing told me about it, how would I react?

This is the part where I offer you my “get out of jail free card”. I want you to ask any questions you might have, do your own research, think about it and then decide if this is a relationship you would like to pursue. If you feel this is too much, then you can use your “get out of jail free card” and I will not judge you in any way. We can part ways and I will not think any less of you and have never thought any less of any guy how chose to move on. If you think there might be something more between us and you are willing to pursue things further, then we will take things as slow as you like.

So that is essentially the talk. The rest depends on questions my partner might ask. As mentioned, your attitude is the most important thing! I know that someone will love me even if I have HSV. It took me a long time to realize this and is the reason why I stayed so long with my ex… I was afraid no one else could ever love me. But I love myself and know that herpes does not define me or my life.

Hope this helps.

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alwall0828

I understand why you would feel rejected. But honestly it comes down to if you want to be with me and "love" or "like" me then you accept ALLLLL of me. And if you can't or feel you will not get pass this then you need to move on. It is not worth the heartache and pain.

I myself always tell the person when I feel that spark. I personally haven't been rejected for herpes, but I did have a guy that needed some time for things happening in his life. I tried to contact and see him for 2 weeks. When things just weren't right I moved on. Met my wonderful boyfriend now of 8 months and a couple weeks later the ex came back. And told me I didn't wait long enough. If I would have waited I would have never known this wonderful man I am with now.

Don't put your life on hold. So are you always supposed to please him and you get nothing? It isn't fair and it never will be.

PM me if you ever wanna chat. You have friends out here that are here for you and understand.

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memyselfI

Thank you Penn!!

I appreciate you sharing your version of your 'talk' and everything else you shared!!! Thank you, bless you and happy new year!!!!

Meme

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Sydgirl

thanks penn i really like your "get out of jail free" i might have to use it :)

id say bring it up with you boy again "babe i know u say its all good, but i can feel u tense up, and at first you not wanting to touch me didnt bother me but now i feel weird about it.. please just tell me i dont like you feeling uncomfortable"

is what i would say if i was in your situation

goodluck! :)

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alwaysalone

I say just wait him out. He will come around I am sure. He's a guy he can't keep his hands to himself forever. It's in "his" blood. :p

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