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positive

thinking things over.....

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positive

I met this nice guy between the holidays’. We have great chemistry and I can honestly say he is the first guy in a long time that I felt weak in the knees after a goodnight kiss. Since being diagnosis I had decided I was going to date and take my chances (as far as being rejected). I’m 34 never married and I just feel like there are so many things that go wrong dating this is just another facet. I think of it logically like if I take that risk meaning having “the talk” and I’m rejected I’ve still increased my chances of finding that great guy. There is nothing to lose.

I also think the positive side of contracting herpes (I know that sounds weird) is that it had opened my eyes in many ways. It makes me realize how we’ve all been so casual about sex. I mean just because you dated someone 5,6,8 weeks and then decide to have sex with them how many of us have had any sort of conversation about std’s, pregnancy, or any other weighty issues that comes with being intimate with a new partner. You think you know someone but how can you really in that amount of time? So maybe this is my chance to create a great relationship with someone? Maybe this is a chance to take my time and find something deeper.

So back to the guy, we have gone a just a few dates and had a hot and heavy make out session. Nothing in the “boxer shorts area” sort of behavior, but I know he wants more. I don’t feel comfortable having “the talk” with him because I just feel like I know him or trust him enough. I’ve feeling like am I leading him on because I don’t want to jump into bed. Amy I leading him on if I date him for a long while and figure out I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t understand why I feel guilty. In one sense I don’t feel badly about having herpes but I know people just could freak out. Even if he freaked out I think I would just be like you’re stupid. I’m sure he has put himself at risk just like almost everyone does. I guess I just need a pep talk to know that it’s ok to wait for everything.

Thanks for reading…….

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VVK

Thanks for the post. I'm glad that you are thinking about these things and in a rational manner. I've had the same thoughts and realizations about the "positive" side of having HSV and being informed about it. Of course, I still want to get rid of it and maybe one day we will all be able to.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who have it and yet are ignorant about what it is - many are infected by "unknowing" carriers. So, in a way, it doesn't just take having HSV, it also takes some kind of interest in learning more about it and what it means. In that sense, it is an awakening of awareness, but unfortunately only for some people. Much more awareness is needed of the disease in general.

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livelaughlove

positive-

i agree with a new perception on relationships. this HSV has really pushed and motivated me to want to really get to know someone and establish a relationship before being initimate below the belt. i think people tend to accept superficial relationships and go down south too soon. but since i'm not interested in letting every guy i date know about my business down there, it will push me to really get to know someone on a deeper level than i used to, which i do think that is a good thing.

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positive

update

We had tentative plans this weekend and he blew me off. Then I get a text message tonight from the guy. the gist of it was I know you are looking for more but I just want pleasure. Guess I saved myself from a heart ache. At least he was upfront about it. Back to the dating pool :)

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Claudia

I've said it before: Blessed are those who experience adversity as a mode for positive growth. Good for you!

It looks like you learned something important about this guy by waiting.

Regarding "leading him on", everyone has a different comfort zone in terms of how early in dating to disclose. I personally disclose before there is any chance of transmission. But regarding how quickly I disclose before that?...

I wrote this a while ago, and believe it whole-heartedly:

STDs are a part of this world, and a factor in dating anyone if either party hopes that sex will someday be involved. If this guy doesn't want to put any time and emotional effort into anyone who has an STD, then the responsibility is his to ask right away if his dates have any STDs. It is perfectly reasonable for you to take time to get to know him before you reveal something that is very important and personal about you, something you don't want to reveal to any old person. You're looking for trust and signs of worthiness in him, after all.

If he is upset in any way about feeling difficult emotions later if you choose to tell him, then that is about his level of tolerance for the inevitable difficulty of dealing with challenges in ALL relationships, not about you and herpes. All relationships have monkey wrenches thrown in them. He will need to come to terms with his own level of tolerance for relationship challenges and learn to ask up front about STDs before he gets emotionally attached if that is a real sticking point for him. It isn't wrong or right, just his responsibility, not yours. On the other hand, he may have no problem with your herpes. Or he may initially struggle, but wish to learn and grow within the relationship, if you choose to stay with him for that experience.

Whatever the case, you are doing nothing wrong by waiting. We all risk emotional pain whenever we enter a relationship, and that pain comes in many forms, not just herpes.

You have many choices and options as a worthy, self-advocating and self-responsible adult. Focus on acting wisely according to your knowledge of your own heart, mind, and emotions, and expect a potential partner to do the same for himself.

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ArizonaLove

I'm so glad your taking it well. Guys like that are sooo weak, but that is a good thing he told you up front. At least you didn't get hooked just to be dumped. :p Let us know about the next guy!

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Sweety042

Online dating

The only way I've had to meet guys is online for awhile. First, my divorce, then selling my house, motorcycle accident where housebound, then moving to two different states last year, 4 times since in Va in Aug, new job, in a location where I knew no one.

But I think there is a REAL downside to online dating. 1) there are a whole group of people that want to live online, and have no intention of meeting you face to face. 2) there are those just there for easy sex, (Wanting phone sex first conversation, etc.) 3) the defectives, that are so fudged up, that they can't get a date elsewhere. 4) those like me, that have no time/ or money to go out and hunt, or put myself in the path of men. 5) People that want long-term, but have no time for a relationship (Which is likely why their first one failed).

I hope once I get a new job, and time, I can put myself out there and find at least an activity partner. The upside, if he's an activity partner, as long as that activity isn't sex, we don't have to have "the talk". lol

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chicago girl

Hey Positive~~

Thanks for updating your story. It just goes to show that some men are in it for real and some are in it for the wrong reasons. You found out the right way! It is the upside for having the virus~~you can weed out the bad ones by taking your time and finding a more meaningful relationship. Best wishes to you!

CG

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alwaysalone

That f(#@$ sucks. I am sorry. Good luck though don't give up!

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sore_cold

dating scene

with the dating scene...i find it is best to be upfront...if not face to face then leave messages...imagine you are negative how would you like to be treated?...

I am recent positive...so the dating scene with being positive has not taken off...i am still reviewing the options...

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