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Partner did not disclose status for 8 months


Samantha1234

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Hi- 1st time posting here. My bf of 8 months just disclosed to me that he was diagnosed with herpes nearly 30 years ago. We are both in the medical field.

a little background- we have had a wonderful relationship so far. He is loving, giving, & we have an amazing connection. This information blindsided me, & I am shocked & so angry and upset that he waited this long to tell me. As far as I know, he has been completely honest with me about everything else. I feel so betrayed that he 1. Didn’t tell me before we were intimate, & 2. He waited so long to tell me.

we have been talking about getting married & spending our lives together! He says he feels very confident that he has not put me at risk because he has not had an outbreak in many years, & has never infected any previous partners in all of these years.

i need to know if I should forgive him or not. I love him & don’t want to lose this relationship.

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First things first.
Not having any OBs in many years does not mean it is not transmissible. Have you tested to see if you contracted it. Further, unless his previous partners were tested, he would not know whether he infected them.

You might want to ask him how he disclosed to the others. I get the feeling he either didn't disclose or disclosed sometime after intimacy, like in your case.

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4 hours ago, Samantha1234 said:

Hi- 1st time posting here. My bf of 8 months just disclosed to me that he was diagnosed with herpes nearly 30 years ago. We are both in the medical field.

a little background- we have had a wonderful relationship so far. He is loving, giving, & we have an amazing connection. This information blindsided me, & I am shocked & so angry and upset that he waited this long to tell me. As far as I know, he has been completely honest with me about everything else. I feel so betrayed that he 1. Didn’t tell me before we were intimate, & 2. He waited so long to tell me.

we have been talking about getting married & spending our lives together! He says he feels very confident that he has not put me at risk because he has not had an outbreak in many years, & has never infected any previous partners in all of these years.

i need to know if I should forgive him or not. I love him & don’t want to lose this relationship.

There are a few ways of looking at this, here is just one.

I think first off, it is fair (like me) you're both in middle age. I think as you are aware, dating at that age means there is probably about a 50% chance the person has HSV-2 and 90% chance they have HSV-1 or HSV-2.

You also suggest 30 years ago. That's going back to a time where herpes wasn't really the issue it has become today. He probably heard the doctor say, "yep that's herpes, it will clear up on its own and then you may get an outbreak now and then of usually a single sore, just use condoms to prevent spread". Disclosure wasn't required or expected.

There's a chance he has no idea what type he has - there is even a small chance he was misdiagnosed although you suggest he's had further outbreaks. He also may not know which type he has genitally - it could be HSV-1 that may explain why he hasn't transmitted it to anyone as (a) its harder to transmit HSV-1 from the genital region and (b) many people already have HSV-1.

My advice:

  • life is too short to be worried about herpes - how many good years have you got left to enjoy life with someone you truly love? If you feel this way, then say hang it and grab life and its opportunities; or
  • if it still plays on your mind, obtain mutual testing, smack it on the table and talk about the results and whether it means something like no relationship or yes relationship but he takes daily antivirals and uses condoms etc.
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Thank you, appreciate your response. First, he knows which kind he has, he’s a doctor. He is very well versed about the disease, & admits he was wrong to not tell me, says he was scared, etc.

at this point, it’s not even about the herpes, it’s about the betrayal I feel. We have shared so much, & felt such a deep bond. 2 days ago, I would have told you it would never in a million years have been possible for him to hide something like this from me. 
I have never seen him be manipulative, & he lives with more integrity than most people I’ve known. So I am just confused, & sad, & angry.

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  • 9 months later...

I've been in the same position. She didn't disclose to me in 4 motnhs. And I felt betrayed, angry, upset, sad, anxious.
I stoped the relationship the moment she disclosed. I asked her to leave my apartment.
Then I got tested and I was positive for HSV-1 and HSV-2. She told me she has both types. I didn't know I had type I. (Then I read that in my country, 80% of people have hsv-1 by the age of 15), so it made me think that it's highly probable that it is oral.

I asked her time to process and I really wanted to forgive. I went to therapy and I really wanted to forgive, but I just had to accept that it would never be the same. I understood that I will always think than there is no trust, that if she was able to do that, she will be able to do other things, that any guy she disclosed before having sex is better than me. I got anxiety and depression as well. I went to a psychiatrist. I got tested 8 times in a year because I couldn't believe I didn't have the virus. I always had in my mind, for a while, her words "Even if you test positive, you won't know if you got it from me" (smiling). It was so cruel to disclose with those words.  I found interesting that in the States herpes is not included in the Std panel; however, I found more interesting that in my country, in South America, HSV-2 is included and not HSV-1. I showed her my results from my country, after my last partner and before being with her. I really felt bad with those words. 

I understood the virus very well and arrived to the conclusion that "okay. It's not the end of the world, but you have to disclose". I am 100% sure I'd be with here if she had disclosed, but she didn't. 

So, it depends of your own moral and believes. Let yourself be angry and sad. Ask him whatever you want about why he did it. Try to find your own answer if you will be able to get past this.
Every person is different. I've read a lot of stories here of people who disclose after months and their partners' reaction is "okay. What are we going to eat?, or "a blister won't stop me to love you".

And get tested ASAP. Now and after 3 months after last exposure.  

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  • 2 months later...
  • 1 year later...
On 11/23/2020 at 8:48 PM, Samantha1234 said:

Thank you, appreciate your response. First, he knows which kind he has, he’s a doctor. He is very well versed about the disease, & admits he was wrong to not tell me, says he was scared, etc.

at this point, it’s not even about the herpes, it’s about the betrayal I feel. We have shared so much, & felt such a deep bond. 2 days ago, I would have told you it would never in a million years have been possible for him to hide something like this from me. 
I have never seen him be manipulative, & he lives with more integrity than most people I’ve known. So I am just confused, & sad, & angry.

Curious to know how things are with you in this relationship now after a few years?

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