Definitely not hymroids

[Toni]

My life is perfect or was perfect. I had everything anyone could ever wish for, some of those things I still have. I was just getting in the game of sex and love so I thought. I am eighteen years old with a broken heart. They tell me my heart can never be mended back together because I have herpes. My personal experience happened only about a month ago really two. It was Thanksgiving and I was on my way home to see my family and boyfriend. I was tired of college and I was looking forward to the break. Everything was happening for me. I was attending a famous college. Just moved into my own place. Finally away from home. Just getting started with LIVING. My boyfriend and I had sex when I went back for the break. On my way back to school, I began to get very irritated in my vaginal area. I did not think anything of it. A day went by and I noticed more uncomfort. Not to gross you out but I felt raw down there. My only conclusion was I had hymroids. I knew this was not an STD because my boyfriend and I know better than that. So I thought. I screamed to my mother that I had hymroids. I made a doctors appt and they unfortunately told me that I did not have hymroids. I had a bartholins cyst. I was sent to a gyno. I found out then that I had herpes. I looked in the doc's eyes because he was not telling the straight A perfect student, perfect daughter, perfect girlfriend, perfect everything that she had herpes. The doctors and nurses felt sorry for me but not sorry as I felt. The nurse held me and wispered in my ear as I screamed with tears that her husband gave her something a couple of years before. He gave you something, I got something forever. I cried and screamed to my mother. I screamed and screamed. Leaving the doc's office that day. I could not figure out how to put the car in drive. I just looked at the gears. How could this have happened to me? I guess no one expects for it to happen to them. Now I am at the point somedays I hate to look at myself. I often wonder who will want me now. If it was not for the supportive mom that I have, I probably would not have made it to now. I cry a lot. I try to move on but this has broken my heart. I am only eighteen. I often think about a husband, kids, and a white pickett fence I may never have. As for as my boyfriend, he is now my ex- boyfriend. I had got so desperate to hold on to the dreams of marriage and kids , I was about to force myself to marry him. Not that he wanted to do it anyway. It was hard realizing that My boyfriend cost me a life time of pain. To be honest with you I would be settling for less marrying him. But who am I to determine what is less now that I have herpes. I look at all the college students as they walk by. Thinking she is very lucky. Guys approach me and I want to blurt out trust me I am not what you want. I trusted two of my friends with the fact that I have herpes. They haven't told anyone as far as I know, but they don't look at me the same. I just had to see would someone anyone accept me besides my momma. My friends still talk to me but they use to look at me with perfection. Now they don't know how to look at me or what to say. I see it in their eyes. No one is by my side now but God, my momma, and me. I continue wishing I could turn back the hands of time and live the life of perfection that did not look all so perfect then. It hurts but I have to get through this some how, some way.

[MC37 Pilot]

Toni, toni, toni...

OK...

I knew this was not an STD because my boyfriend and I know better than that.

LOL... We've ALLLLL thought that before. Its funny looking back how naive we all have been.

I looked in the doc's eyes because he was not telling the straight A perfect student, perfect daughter, perfect girlfriend, perfect everything

At some point, we all realize we are not perfect. We all realize how far from perfect we are. Perfection is not real.

It sucks that it took HSV for you to realize you were not perfect. And this probably isn't any consolation, but when I look at your situation, I think you will become a much better person because you have HSV.

I'm just guessing, but I have found from personal experience that people who think they are perfect tend to not be very accepting, or very compassionate of other people... As we all look at other people and observe fault.

You are only 18... It takes some people til they are 30 to figure out they are not perfect... And SOME people never figure out they aren't perfect. Yeah, they'll say they are not perfect, but it never really sets in.

I often think about a husband, kids, and a white pickett fence I may never have.

You will develop a new perception of what you really want. If you try, if you learn, if you self-evaluate...

And its ALL going to revolve around LOVE.

The straight A perfect student, perfect daughter, perfect girlfriend, perfect everything who goes to a famous college....

NONE of that has anything to do with LOVE, and your ability to LOVE.

Life is all about love... If you don't know that now, I know that in the next few years as you learn to put HSV in perspective, you will find that out.

Love is the only true meaning of life... Not the a's or the looks, or the famous college. LOVE

My friends still talk to me but they use to look at me with perfection. Now they don't know how to look at me or what to say. I see it in their eyes.

And what do you think about that? Do you think it sucks???? Do you want them to still care about you just as much as they did before??? Do you want them to love you just as much as they did before??? DO you want to scream to them HEY!!! I'm the SAME F'N person!!!!

Now... Rewind to before you go HSV... If one of them had come to you and told you they had HSV, being the 'perfect' girl you were, would you have treated them differntly, or would THEY have been able to 'look into your eyes and see' that you dont' feel the same about them? HONESTLY.. Would YOU have been EXACTLY what they are being now?

See what I mean about perfection???? See what I mean about Love? You can't love someone else if you think you're perfect.

And it sucks to recognize faults in yourself, but if you aren't there yet, you WILL come to the realization that LOVE is all that matters..

AND this journey of learning to deal with having HSV, and overcoming the emotional pain you feel... It will make you a loving person. It will give you the ability to love beyond any you had imagined. It will give you compassion beyond anyone else you know...

AND AFTER ALL THAT you will have this incredible love about you... AND all the other things to go with it, good looks, a good job, a degree from a good university, etc.

No one is by my side now but God, my momma, and me.

Well... First of all WE are by your side, and there are TONS of other people who would be too.

Learn to love, give people a chance... You'll find all the love you want and need if you learn to love first.

And don't worry... There are loving people who are good looking, and have great jobs and all the other stuff you are looking for too.

One last thing...

They haven't told anyone as far as I know, but they don't look at me the same.

There are 2 possibilities here... one is that you are right, they don't look at you the same because they are not loving caring people... Maybe they still think they are perfect, and thus, why would they be compassionate to someone who is not??? Their loss, not yours... YOU are on a new path.

And the other possibilities is that they DO look at you the same, BUT YOU don't perceive that because the fact of the matter is YOU DON'T LOOK AT YOURSELF THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its going to take a while, and EVERYONE here will help you if you want, but you will come to a place where you feel good about yourself again. And when you get to that place, others will feel good about you to. If you don't feel good about yourself, noone else will either. And even if they did, you would not recognize it until YOU felt better about yourself.

SO... this is about YOU now. This is about YOU finding out that YOU posses the ability to love, and you have the opportunity to grow that love within you.

Some day, you WILL feel good about yourself... (and you won't even need to look in a mirror to do it)

I hope you post a lot more.

fhl,

nik

[Guest Anonymous]

Toni,

I bet you never ever ever thought you would be on this website/forum - neither did I. I am only 22 and just recently found out the news that i too have this life altering disease. I am scared to death that i will never be loved by anyone again. I have so much regret I cant even begin to explain. I just graduated college and have had the pleasure of being loved by someone great, but we just didnt work out for whatever reason. We are still very nice to each other and keep in contact some, but now i fear that I will never experience that again - being in love. I know he still loves me as i still love him too, but we arent IN love. (I want to be able to turn to him in this time of hurt, but i guess its not worth it. He doesnt really need to know.)Or even worse, I will be in love again, and it will not be reciprocated because of herpes. I completely understand where you are coming from. I cried when i read your story because i know - i know the pain, and confusion and hurt when you find this out being so young. It is wonderful to hear peoples stories about them having it for 10 or 20 yrs and living a good life because at least that gives you some hope, but being young it doesnt really matter - right now it is hard to see beyond today and the pain you feel today.In a way its like your life has been stolen. I look at pictures taken of me like a month ago and cry, thinking "those were the days" it is horrible. You cant help but think, "Im happy for those people who have lived happy lives with herpes, but will i be one of them, or will i become everything i fear"

I feel so confused! because I am a good person, I am always nice to everyone, Im funny, attractive, smart, everything - im not perfect obviously, but i am a good person, I just dont understand, its like i think well maybe i have done something wrong in my life(other than unprotected sex) i mean something really wrong, like karma is out to get me or something, but i cant figure it out. I want to have a positive attitude, but its hard to think someone will ever want to be with me again. And i know what everyone says, if the guy is really worth it, he will stick around even after he knows, but ya know.... is that true? I dont know, only time will tell.

This is all very new to me as i just found out a couple days ago, so im still in the stages of shock and disbelief and unbelievable heartbreak. But, this sounds selfish but it feels a tad bit better to know that someone (well lots of people) understand and i hope it helps someone to know that I understand too.

[Faith]

And i know what everyone says' date=' if the guy is really worth it, he will stick around even after he knows, but ya know.... is that true? [/quote']

Yes, that's true. <smile>

That's something I found out after I actually met someone. This man I fell in love didn't care about the fact I had herpes. He still loved me and wanted to be intimate. He and I can't be together now for a reason (which is nothing to do with herpes), but he is still in my life, caring about me.

Ask MC37 Pilot. He's got tons of his success story. That'll give you hope, cuz his stories also are true stories.

I remember.... I didn't believe any positive opinion that people who have herpes gave me. Years ago, I wrote an e-mail to this woman who was helping others in a HSV support group. She wrote me back, stating that she was very happy, and having a loving husband in her life. I was happy to hear from her, but at the same time, I was jealous. And thought " She is happy, because he has someone who loves her. I don't have anyone, and this disease is making it harder for me to have someone! How can I be happy?".

But look,... I'm very happy now. And I'm still single.

And now I know that she was happy, not because she had someone in her life. She was happy, because she knew who she was, and appreciated her life, including herpes.

Nobody asked for this. But we happened to get herpes. I got herpes from the second person who I ever dated (and I got married to him later, and divorced).To this day, I don't know what it's like to be promiscuous, I've never even dated anyone casually and had casual sex.

But I got it. Who can I blame? Is this karma? What did I do wrong? ....... hehe..<smile>

Everyone runs into some kind of hardship sometime in his/her life. No matter what kind of problem a person gets, he/she would claim that it's hard for him/her to get over. But when you get over it, you grow. And you find what life is all about.

Now you have herpes. This is the hardship you ran into. And this, is a big chance for you to grow as a person, and find who you really are. Once you find it, believe me, you'll be happier than ever, and then you will not have to be scared of anything. You'll start feeling how "right" everything is.

Relationship is such a big thing in our life. And.. herpes is a blessing, believe it or not. It will let you know what love is, and let you find someone who truly loves you and care about you.

Look at those (most) people who play or being played in the dating game, and still desperately trying to find true love there. But they don't know what love is, and they don't even know who they are. They are just wasting their time.

In a sense, you are very lucky. Through this experience of herpes, you WILL find all the important things you need to live your life. And I guarantee you, when you find all those things, you'll be happier than the time before you got herpes.

I can't really give you practical suggestion of how to get to that point. But...just keep doing things that you believe is right. Just be honest to people and to yourself. And always try to find positive side of things that happens to you.

As time goes by, you'll start feeling confident about yourself, and you'll find who you are. And that's the time, the right person will find you very attractive and love you for who you are.

Just hang in now.

And someday, you'll really understand what I'm talking about now. <smile>

Best wishes..

Faith