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Disclosure after Sex


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I was seeing someone I met on a dating app, swe were talking for three weeks before going out. First two dates good no physical contact. Third date we got drunk and we had sex. Didn’t have the chance to disclose as I was not supposed to have sex with him in my mind until I got to know him better and disclose. He asked me if I had been tested the morning after which is when I told him I’d had herpes since 2018, wasn’t having a current outbreak, and reassured chances were low since we used condoms. He asked if I used antivirals and I said no and proceeded to tell me this is a dealbreaker and broke it off. What are your guys’s stories, any similar ones? Is there a chance he may come back after doing his own research? I know logically it is over and probably won’t have contact with me again but I do take this as a learning lesson as this is the first dating experience I’ve had since being diagnosed and would just like some mental closure. I know it was wrong of me not to disclose sooner I just did not know sex was going to happen that fast. Any words of wisdom in terms for disclosure in the future? Similar stories? Any positive stories about disclosure after sex, if any? I feel absolutely terrible and horrible about the whole situation - I truly think we likes each other but this may have been too much to learn. We are both in our late 20s/early 30s for context and got to know each other pretty well prior to this incident. Thanks everyone

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I’d also like to clarify that he was sleeping with various people in the past, some even unprotected, so chances are he may have been exposed already I just blanked out in the moment and didn’t say it

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Hey @n0v0c41n3I would really like to make the point that you have nothing to feel terrible about. I think it is extremely unfair and somewhat immature that this guy waited until after sex to tell you herpes was a deal-breaker for him (which in and of itself is not a problem, that's a choice aligned to his ethics and values). If he felt that strongly about it and he appears to have given the subject some thought given his rapid response (which wouldn't be uncommon for a 30yo on the dating scene) then he had ample opportunity in the 'getting to know you' weeks to raise the issue. 

The fact that you both consumed alcohol does not alter the fact that your actions (meaning for both of you) were against preferred ethics and beliefs.  It does however mean that he cannot be angry at you for the non-disclosure despite having sex - although it does not seem that he is angry to have descended into really ugly behaviours (such as calling you names, outing you etc. - oh yeah it gets bad, un-excusably).

I suspect though he has acted rashly out of a little bit of shock. I imagine he was still a bit in the dreamy state of perfect girl, perfect relationship that had not confronted any real world human realities (of which herpes is a pretty small one in the scheme of things). This means that I suggest it is a 50/50 call as to whether he will come back, apologise and approach things more rationally. You may need to be prepared for some interesting perspectives at first such as 'let's be friends for a while' or 'please take antivirals' and so on. Have a think about how you will respond to a few scenarios like this.

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@WilsoInAus, thank you so much for your insight and well-thought response. I do feel quite rejected and saddened, especially because I remember what it felt like to have first received the diagnosis back then and the mental anguish it caused me. He shared he would get tested the last time we spoke on Sunday. I am feeling better about the situation now after reading several forums and others' experienced regarding herpes and will just leave it up to the universe to see if he will ever reach out again. Again, I deeply appreciate your response :)

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I am not quite sure of what type, but I have had maybe 2 or 3 since the first. The first was the absolute worst with many sores but subsequent outbreaks have luckily been one sore at a time.

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1 hour ago, n0v0c41n3 said:

I am not quite sure of what type, but I have had maybe 2 or 3 since the first. The first was the absolute worst with many sores but subsequent outbreaks have luckily been one sore at a time.

I'd suggest getting a blood test to determine type that will at least make for a more informative disclosure. If it is HSV-1 this can make a difference given how common it is for partners to already have it and not actually be at risk of further infection.

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Thank you. Just as a general update to anyone reading this, I made contact and it was pretty clear that he did not want further contact as he was withdrawn and short. I will begin practicing disclosure more in the beginning of a potential relationship from now on versus waiting for the "right time", as it's not a pleasant feeling to build up something that may fail due to this virus. I feel better, however, and am moving forward. Thank you to these forums for helping me out and feeling a sense of community.

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