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Don't Know Where to Start, But Definitely Need Help!


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I was diagnosed at the age of 24. I just turned 60 and became a widow at the age of 56. Until now, I have not had the opportunity to begin dating since my husband's passing, but I put myself out there a few months ago and as a result, I am now trying to prevent myself from sinking into a major state of depression. When I was first diagnosed, we were told you cannot transmit unless you're having an outbreak and the antivirals were for when you had those outbreaks.  Oh how I wish that were true. I did find a man who accepted my diagnosis, we married, and had 2 children.  Unfortunately, we were not to be blessed with life together into old age. 

So, a few months back, I began dating and had never gotten to the point of having to deal with the talk because no one ever garnered more than one date.  That is until I met someone I thought I could potentially have a wonderful long term relationship with. But the talk ruined everything.  I didn't expect to have to deal with the talk or so soon into the relationship - things moved at an incredibly fast pace. I wasn't prepared. It was awful and since that night, I have struggled to even get out of bed in the morning. I've become obsessed with trying to find anything and everything about the progress on stopping this virus and then become more depressed thinking how many years I've had it and we seem still relatively far from any cure or way to stop transmission.  

Most of the posts I have seen on here appear to be relatively young folks with new diagnosis.  Is there anyone out there in a similar situation as me? - had it a long time, now middle age, now finding yourself back on the dating scene.  I need a support group big time! Are there any? How do you find a therapist who specializes in STIs? The thought of living my life alone forever is so hard to bear. There has got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, somewhere.

Anything anyone can offer here would be greatly appreciated! I've got to find a way to get it together!

Thank you for reading my story. 

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3 hours ago, Emsha said:

I was diagnosed at the age of 24. I just turned 60 and became a widow at the age of 56. Until now, I have not had the opportunity to begin dating since my husband's passing, but I put myself out there a few months ago and as a result, I am now trying to prevent myself from sinking into a major state of depression. When I was first diagnosed, we were told you cannot transmit unless you're having an outbreak and the antivirals were for when you had those outbreaks.  Oh how I wish that were true. I did find a man who accepted my diagnosis, we married, and had 2 children.  Unfortunately, we were not to be blessed with life together into old age. 

So, a few months back, I began dating and had never gotten to the point of having to deal with the talk because no one ever garnered more than one date.  That is until I met someone I thought I could potentially have a wonderful long term relationship with. But the talk ruined everything.  I didn't expect to have to deal with the talk or so soon into the relationship - things moved at an incredibly fast pace. I wasn't prepared. It was awful and since that night, I have struggled to even get out of bed in the morning. I've become obsessed with trying to find anything and everything about the progress on stopping this virus and then become more depressed thinking how many years I've had it and we seem still relatively far from any cure or way to stop transmission.  

Most of the posts I have seen on here appear to be relatively young folks with new diagnosis.  Is there anyone out there in a similar situation as me? - had it a long time, now middle age, now finding yourself back on the dating scene.  I need a support group big time! Are there any? How do you find a therapist who specializes in STIs? The thought of living my life alone forever is so hard to bear. There has got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, somewhere.

Anything anyone can offer here would be greatly appreciated! I've got to find a way to get it together!

Thank you for reading my story. 

Hi "Emsha" .... sorry to hear you had a bad experience after having "the talk"..... I've been where you are and I know how much that hurts!  You and I are in the same age group (and by coincidence, the same State)..... I've had HSV2 since 2008 and I also went through a long period where I simply tried to make peace with the fact I would be alone forever..... I also sought out a therapist and was lucky enough to find one that was very good about keeping me from spiraling down too low.... he actually specialized in a few areas and one of them was people with HIV.... so, I figured that he might be adept at dealing with other STI's and I was right.  I very much recommend looking of a therapist that has experience in working with people with health issues (not many deal directly with STI's specifically).  If you're fortunate enough to live in or near a big city, spend some time on the internet to research a good therapist and you should have a good number of choices.  

As for support groups, I'm not familiar with any other than online like this site and redditt (they have multiple groups for HSV).  There are also dating sites out there specific to people with HSV if you happen to be ready to try that option yet..... I tried it and met some interesting people and made a few friends but, nothing more than that.... one friend turned out to be very good at being a makeshift-therapist so, that worked out in its own way!  I ended up meeting my partner (now 10 years together) via match.com..... long story but, turns out we both had the same virus!  Just lucky I guess.... but, the reality is a lot of people have the virus and so, finding someone with it is not quite as hard as you might think.  

Anyway, not sure I've given you the answers you need right now.... my half-baked non-professional advice is pretty simple.... take it one step at a time right now.  You seem like a very sane person and the fact that you are reaching out and looking into options for taking control of your situation is a truly good sign.... look into the therapist option and give that a try (you may have to try a few of them before you find the right one for you)..... look into web groups and see if you can find one that helps (btw, I get a good deal of support from this site so, you might want to come back and check other threads).  You may not feel like it at this stage but, don't give up on getting back out there and meeting someone special again..... but, there's no rush.... work on yourself right now and then when you're ready to try again, you'll know when.  I wish you the best.... stay strong and go easy on yourself.... 

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@Emsha I'm not actively dating but we are similar in age and length of time with ghsv2.  I got hsv when I was 28 and now I'm 67.

The best hope for a cure is at Fred Hutch Center in Washington; Specifically the work being done by Dr. Keith Jerome and Martine Aubert. They are past mice studies and are presently working with guinea pigs. Dr. Jerome is shooting for the end of 2023 to start clinical trials. He's using gene editing to destroy the latent virus in neurons (the source of the ongoing infection).

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We should band together. I’m 56, female and single. I dread having “the talk” so much that I was considering dating but only with people who aren’t interested in sex. Ugh. Sending camaraderie and hope for a cure.

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