New to this and depressed

[Guest Anonymous]

Hi all,

My 59th birthday is Monday. As if that's not depressing enough...i'm alone, divorced, kids grown...my relationship of 13 years ended when i was diagnoses with H. I am still hurting from that and just got the courage to back online "dating." Click with a guy - same HS, both married for 18-20 years, both have 3 grown kids. Lots in common. Looking forward to meeting him when he asks, over the phone if I have H. i had not been prepared for this. i imagined getting to know someone and maybe having them care for me and about me befaoire the moment of "truth" would come. Long story short, this guy rejected me right away as anything but a friend. I don't want another friend...i could have stayed with my lover of 13 years who still wants to be my friend but it's just too painful to feel rejected every time I see him.

Please reply and let me know if you:

1. Wait until intimacy is eminent to "tell"?

2. Go on herpes dating online services - the ide aof this bothers me as I don't want to identify myself bu something i "have" and not what I AM or who I am.

This really SUCKS! as if it wasn't hard enough to meet aprtner - especially at my age! now i have to deal with this on top of it. I'm still trying to accept the reality of the diagnosis myself and on top of it to deal with all this related REJECTION! Help, please.

[Faith]

Happy birthday!!

I haven't reached your age (I'm 36), so I may not know how it's like at your age.

But I want to tell you what I know.

When you meet someone who has learned important things in life, who is happy about his life and himself, and has an "ability" to love and care for someone,......... you're not gonna be rejected by him just because you have herpes.

Excuse me for being blunt, but... a person who ask you such a personal question (about herpes) at such an early stage, and rejected you because you have herpes.... He is like a kid. Although, he might be trying to be upfront, I still feel that he is selfish, childish, and he hasn't gotten a chance to grow up as a person. You may not be able to see it, cuz you are hurt now, ... but think about it, he didn't think it would hurt you badly? I wouldn't want to be with that kind of person......

A person who is happy and can share the happiness with you, won't see your herpes as a problem. I know this for sure. When you tell him, what you tell him,.... won't matter.

Be confident of yourself. Don't force youself to jump into a relationship, just because you feel lonely right now. Wait until you see things in perspective.

It's like a magnet. If you are unhappy with your life, unhappy people will come to you. Be happy with yourself (including herpes) first. Then happy person will come to you. It's just how it is.

And about the herpes dating sites..... if you are not comfortable with the idea, meet people in regular dating site. It doesn't matter.

Well... ultimately, herpes dating service is the same as regular dating service or even same as meeting someone at bars and museums. You just have something in common and you know it in advance, that's all. It's the same as going to Jazz club, and you happen to meet someone there. Obviously, you know that you both like Jazz, even before you talk to him . <smile>

How many people can we really meet in our short life? Meeting people who have herpes doesn't narrow your possibility of encounter. It only widen it. Wherever we meet someone, that's an encounter. You've gotta build a relationship from "zero", no matter who you meet. You meet someone, get to know each other, start trusting each other, fall in love, .... whether he has herpes also or not, you will have to go through the same thing anyway.

Please hang in there.

Do not reject yourself. Accept everything. That will create the healthy flow of things around you. Then happiness will walk into your life...

Best wishes...

Faith

[Faith]

P.S.

It just sounds so weird to me.... that the guy asked you if you had herpes (specifically).

Maybe he has his own reason that he can't be infected with herpes.... some health problem or something....

But he should mention that if that's the case.

Well... either way... don't worry about him. It's not worth...

[Guest Anonymous]

Thjanks Sooo much!

Faith,

a beutiful name for someone who has lots of it! you gave me justwhat i needed to hear and then some. it just seems like my life is always an uphilll battle to catch my breath from one blow after another to my self-esteem. everytime i work on getting over the past disappointmnet or rejection, along comes another! to me, herpes is the LEAST of my problems and yet it appears to be very major to some men. not that i can say i'd be any different in their shoes. i wouldn't WILLINGLY and KNOWINGLY have infected myself - none of us would, even if it is just a minor inconvenience.

anyhow, thanks very much for posting. i greatly needed and felt your love.

OLD-newbie

[Faith]

Re: Thjanks Sooo much!

it just seems like my life is always an uphilll battle to catch my breath from one blow after another to my self-esteem.

Yes, I felt that....

I used to be Queen of insecurity!! (seriously!)

Because of that, my life was just a vicious circle. Many unfortunate things were piled up and by the time I faced this thing herpes, I had too many other problems already, I felt that that was it, my life wouldn't go anywhere.

I used to try to find the answer in books of self-esteem, psychology,.... but none of them gave me the answer that I was looking for. Not even a hint.

But I found the answer in me!! No wonder I couldn't find it in outside world.

As I faced all things that happened to me, and tried to accept the truth including things that I didn't want to admit.... I've come to know myself very well, and finally found who I really was!! Then it was like... I finally found the key to access to the deep place in my heart, and I opened it, all the answers were there!!!

Well this may sound too abstract... but I just can't explain it with words. You just have to experience it. Then you will say "Ahhhh this is....".

Once you know who you are, the world around you is gonna be totally different. You will be free from insecurity, jealous, fear, emptiness, .... you name it.

Ultimately, a person who you need the most is you. You want YOU to unnderstand you and love you and care for you. Nobody else can make you happy. YOU are the only person who can make you happy.

OLD-newbie

Nahhh...

As long as we are being the best of us everyday, we never become so-called "old".

Faith

[Guest Anonymous]

Faith,

Thanks again. All i can say is..."if only..."

A feeling of being unloveable has haunted the dark recesses of my heart and soul since I was a child. i've tried slef-help books and religion. herpes just put a name on it all, let me know that it is my OWN bad kharma that kicks me int he ass (not that of a past life) and actually gave me an excuse to give up trying or looking for "love."

at least i have a fun past and the memories of what once was...a lot better than some people have. i had a long marriage (18 years); i have 3 living children; had a hot Italian lover for approx. 10 years...what more could a woman ask for? i've had my 10K orgasms...many women would beg to trade places with me. growing old with no one is better than growing old with a sickly grouch! i have lots of freinds. just don't have someone to hold me in their arms, except me.

[Lasmom]

Hey Young-bie!!!

Happy Birthday.

Only a moment to reply since I have a habbit of blabbing....

I hated the idea of internet dating - what a loser I'd be to do that! Well, I did. The fact that I had herpes, a kid, and attitude problem (just kidding...) all went away and I was just me. Level playing field. Never worried about "telling" I never posted a pic because I didn't want people to judge on looks. I wanted them to read what I wrote and move on from there. Oddly enough, the man I am dating now hardly read my bio - just saw where I was from and sent a note - he had given up on it and I was a last ditch effort - really romantic huh? Turns out he's a great guy. We have alot more in common than just the big "H". I don't regret it (OK, maybe I regret the first guy I met )

I gave the play by play of my experience somewhere on the site.... I'd give the link but I gotta run...

last note: My cousin said "we buy cars, houses, find apartments, jobs on the internet - why not a partner?"

I'll give you the site if you like, mpwh.com - you can just look for friends there too, about 180 people on line all the time, thousands registered. Crazy.

Good luck.

[Guest Anonymous]

So sorry

Hi Newbie - Happy Birthday!

I just want to say what a cold hearted loser that guy sounded like to ask you that over the phone. If he liked you enough to propose friendship he could have at least waited until he was in your presence to ask such a personal question!!!! I wouldn't even keep him around as a friend.

You say your relationship of 13 years ended when you were diagnosed? I hope that was a coincidence. If not, you have had two very atypical experiences from the accounts that I have read. I urge you as others have urged me to become accepting of this virus and not let it define you. As you wrote, you need to accept the diagnosis yourself first. Once you are free of the shame and see yourself as stronger for having it, you will probably attract others who see you the same way. I am lucky enough to have role models in this regard, happy couples in which one or both have HSV and they barely think about it, let alone allow it to bring them down! LIVE!

As far as when to tell, I've struggled with that one too. I think there's no rule (other than before sexual contact), just depends on the situation. I'd say, when you genuinely care enough about the person that you feel protective of their body and spirit and WANT to tell is a good time, since that indicates that your affection and trust are pretty deep. Anytime before that, it's none of their business and/or your'e probably jumping in bed too soon.

[Faith]

just don't have someone to hold me in their arms' date=' except me.[/quote']

Believe me.... only thing you are missing so bad is you.

Instead of thinking of what you don't have, think of what you do have. You already have so many precious things around you and in you. Once you start taking care of those, I bet, your emptiness will be gone. You'll feel very content.

You can always have a boyfriend after that. <smile>

Being held in your own arms is the warmest. Please remember..

Best wishes..

Faith