New and trying to come to terms with my new reality

[BrokenGlass]

Hi Guys,

Soooo where to begin (sigh)

I have been scaling forums and looking into this new reality of living with GHSV, (even saying the word Herpes just makes me wince with shame and a lump in my throat). This is also my first time posting on any type of internet forum. And I've decided to take the plunge, in the hope of finding some inner peace with my diagnosis. Maybe putting it all into words rather than having the story keep circulating in my brain will also help??

So here goes.... I recently moved to another country (I've done this a few times previously), so that in itself is not as daunting to me as it may seem. I'm living alone and I decided to download the usual dating apps, but I wasn't looking to rush into anything or find any drama (that part didn't turn out so good). I started talking with someone and the conversation was going on for around one week, before we decided to meet each other. We met for cocktails and the evening was nice, we were both getting tipsy, so we decided to go and meet my dates friends and carry on drinking into the night. The end of the night arrived and we took a taxi back to my place and I think you can fill in the blanks on this part.

The next morning, I took a trip to the bathroom and noticed (what I believed to be) a singular pimple on my penis. I didn't think too much about it and went back to bed. My date left a few hours later and everything was OK. We text and kept in contact and started talking regularly. A few days later and the pimple was now looking more like an ulcer and I immediately started to get that sinking paranoid feeling. I'm fortunate enough that I have a really strong and open relationship with my parents, so I called them and explained my concerns. Their advice, to make an appointment at a medical centre as soon as possible. I found a local sexual health clinic and off I went.

The doctor took a look at my singular lesion and diagnosed as folliculitis, the relief I felt at that time was just liberating. He gave me antibiotics and said it should clear in a few days and sent me on my way. A week later and after completing the antibiotics it still looked red and angry, I started to get really worried that it was herpes. I went back to the doctor, who again wasn't concerned and gave me some topical cream and said not to worry. Another week passed by and the wound would look like it was scabbing, I would go to bed and wake up the following morning and the scab would always have fallen off. It just did not seem to be getting any better. I now 100% convinced myself it was herpes and the anxiety had really set in. I text my date (we were still talking quite regular and had also met up again in the meantime platonically). I explained my symptoms were not clearing up and asked if she had any issues. She said everything was OK with her, however she then mentioned she went to a doctor after our night together as she felt sore. The doctor told her everything was normal and was probably down to friction. She also works as a surgical assistant nurse and the regulations require a blood test every 6 months to ensure no major issues or risks with blood work.

I booked another appointment at the medical centre and asked for a full screening for STI/D's which included a HIV blood test and PCR urine test (which did include Herpes Simplex 1/2). Now I know the Urine test isn't that accurate, I was content that I could take this test (and with the opinion of a sexual health doctor) I had done everything that was available to me.

I passed out while having blood taken (this always happens to me when I have blood taken). So full of anxiety and feeling embarrassed I was given an apple juice and told not to worry. Again at this point it was still a singular lesion, the total time elapsed at this point had been nearly 4 weeks. The blood work result was back within 30 mins and the doctor knew how anxious I was, so he told me to go get some food and come back and the results would be ready. The blood came back negative for HIV, which I was obviously relieved about. The Urine results would take 3 days. At this point I was already mentally exhausted and convinced it was going to be bad news I would eventually receive.

I had to fly out for a business trip and I received the results on a Thursday morning as I landed. The tension I felt as I opened the email was just torture. And to my surprise everything came back negative. I felt like I was on cloud 9 and I felt such relief I was just randomly smiling to myself in Starbucks. That day was a great day and I was hoping that would be the end of the story. However...

The time line now was now coming up to 5 weeks since my initial medical appointment. I went to my meeting on Friday and everything was fine that day. I returned home and get ready to take a shower. I will never forget the shock when I took off my clothes and saw x3 new holes above where my first lesion was and then further down another blister. I was in absolute shock and couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was like someone was playing a cruel joke on me. Now the symptoms were stereotypical herpes symptoms and in that moment I broke down. I'd had no other sexual contact at this point, other than my date now 6 weeks prior.

I think I've rambled on enough so to get to where we are today. I went back to the doctors and he visually diagnosed it as herpes and gave me antiviral medication and topical cream. I know in the grand scheme of things herpes is not the worst thing that can happen to you. However the mental strain and disgust and shame I feel are definitely an issue. It's been 3 weeks since my official diagnosis and I have been falling into a deep depression. I have a strong support network of my parents/ sister and a couple of close friends. However they have become stressed and upset seeing how badly I have taken this and being in another country by myself has been difficult. Each day has been a struggle and I have been trying to work normally which has been difficult. I'm like an empty shell that is as fragile as cookie floating in milk, just waiting to be sunken by the inevitable absorption of my surroundings.
 

In summary: I feel angry, upset and the fact this is something for life, it's killing me inside. I feel like I have lost a piece of myself and I will never be able to accept this diagnosis. I'm also angry with how the stigma is so strong and impacts so many people and yet there hasn't been an official push on education to make this supposedly harmless skin condition accepted in society as something that is completely normal. Although I do not actually know any other person in my social or professional circles who admits to having GHSV. Luckily I think I have only had the x2 breakouts so far. I'm not taking antivirals anymore. I take 1000mg of Lysine daily. but now any type of spot or red mark just sends me into desperation of emotional turmoil. I also noticed today some dry flaky skin around my groin area and I have no idea if this is all connected or just paranoia creeping in?? Just functioning in daily life is difficult and I'm trying to get to that place where I can be at ease with this. I actually feel drained typing all of this so I doubt anyone actually made it to the bottom.

[Skypink]

Made it to the bottom of your post! You aren’t alone! 

[BrokenGlass]

Thanks for taking the time to reply

I see that you're a new member also. I'm going to take a look at your story now.

[BrokenGlass]

@Borealis No, I only had a visual diagnosis, by the sexual health doctor. They different offer the services of a swab or blood test at that clinic. However the vesicles looked pretty much textbook herpes unfortunately. Also the antivirals seemed to clear up the sores after around one week.

I was considering going for an IgG at around the 12 week mark, but I think this is just a formality more than anything.

[BrokenGlass]

@Borealis unfortunately it was unprotected. Yeah my symptoms were strange, but what convinced me, was the second outbreak. After the first lesion appeared 5 weeks earlier. 5 weeks later this still hadn't healed and then the second outbreak came which was worse (around 7 or 8 vesicles) with no pain when touching the sores. The drawn out diagnosis has taken a large toll on me mentally, so I'm trying to work on accepting this and getting out of the depression, then getting tested at 12 weeks. I figured this would be the best approach, because if I test before the anti bodies may not be there. And mentally I just can't deal with then having to go back into the unknown only to be given a confirmation of the inevitable at 12 weeks.

How long have you been diagnosed?

[WilsoInAus]

Hey @BrokenGlass note that it is not possible to have a herpes lesion the morning after infection. It takes a minimum of 48 hours and more likely about 4 days. Hence if it transpires that you have herpes then you had it before this sexual encounter.

It isn't clear this is herpes, why didn't your doctor swab these latest lesions?

[BrokenGlass]

@Borealis the mental torture of this virus for me personally is the most brutal mental torture I have dealt with my entire life and myself personally I have dealt with a lot of other mental tests and supporting others emotionally that have needed support. I consider myself mentally tough and this virus in terms of mental stigma has broken me.

 

I forgot to add, I was taking anti virals that the doctor prescribe for around 7 days and now I just take Lysine 1000mg daily.

Edited June 14, 2022 by BrokenGlass

[BrokenGlass]

Hey @WilsolnAus
 

The medical centre said they didn't have the the testing capability to swab the lesions. I'm pretty sure they were textbook herpes lesions, however I don't have 100% confirmation. 

 

Edited June 14, 2022 by BrokenGlass

[tina7272]

Hey @BrokenGlassi just found out yesterday. Hearing your story i felt like i needed to reach out. I’m a basket case. I don’t want to accept it.  I can’t eat, drink, sleep, or function rather. I feel debilitated. I don’t have any advice as im new to this, but wanted to share that you are not alone in the new discovery that is so disturbing and scary!! 

[WilsoInAus]

4 hours ago, BrokenGlass said:

Hey @WilsolnAus
 

The medical centre said they didn't have the the testing capability to swab the lesions. I'm pretty sure they were textbook herpes lesions, however I don't have 100% confirmation. 

 

There are no symptoms unique to herpes. Many conditions cause ulcerating sores that are a bodies response mechanism to a range of issues.

As mentioned through this thread, there’s a lot that doesn’t add up to herpes just now.

[BrokenGlass]

11 hours ago, tina7272 said:

Hey @BrokenGlassi just found out yesterday. Hearing your story i felt like i needed to reach out. I’m a basket case. I don’t want to accept it.  I can’t eat, drink, sleep, or function rather. I feel debilitated. I don’t have any advice as im new to this, but wanted to share that you are not alone in the new discovery that is so disturbing and scary!! 

Hey @tina7272 I totally can relate I'm the same, trying to come to terms with this. I don't wanna accept it either. The mental stigma weighs so heavy on me. Thanks for reaching out. And if you're a basket case, then I'am too, because I've been impacted in exactly the same way. Did your diagnosis come out of blue for you?

[BrokenGlass]

9 hours ago, WilsoInAus said:

There are no symptoms unique to herpes. Many conditions cause ulcerating sores that are a bodies response mechanism to a range of issues.

As mentioned through this thread, there’s a lot that doesn’t add up to herpes just now.

Hey @WilsoInAus Thanks for the feedback. I guess with the diagnosis by the doctor and the antivirals clearing the sores, I thought it was pretty clear cut? But I guess I should definitely take the IgG blood test after 12 weeks just to be sure.

[tina7272]

4 hours ago, BrokenGlass said:

Hey @tina7272 I totally can relate I'm the same, trying to come to terms with this. I don't wanna accept it either. The mental stigma weighs so heavy on me. Thanks for reaching out. And if you're a basket case, then I'am too, because I've been impacted in exactly the same way. Did your diagnosis come out of blue for you?

 

4 hours ago, BrokenGlass said:

Hey @tina7272 I totally can relate I'm the same, trying to come to terms with this. I don't wanna accept it either. The mental stigma weighs so heavy on me. Thanks for reaching out. And if you're a basket case, then I'am too, because I've been impacted in exactly the same way. Did your diagnosis come out of blue for you?

It’s absolutely destroying me. I always thought of it as something dirty people got. It did come up out of the blue. It started with painful urination, then a few days later flu like symptoms and fever, then a day or two after that two lesions. I thought it was a UTI and the flu on top of it. I’m going back to the dr today to discuss way to cope. I dont want to end up having to take sedatives the rest of my life. As it stands now, i spend 24/7 shaking and trembling with fear and regret. It’s absolutely awful!! 

[EnglishGirl]

Hi I am suprised you got symptoms the next morning so I would suspect a coincidence with that being friction burn or something but then your flare up later which wasn't painful right? I thought usually the first is the worst for men or women but I know women suffer more....I'm one of them.   Yes I would suggest testing again soon and seeing if you can find out if it was a new transmission?