SUCCESS STORY: Herpes is an opportunity to built trust and connection through vulnerability.

[Jeremy Spokein]

Hey everyone, I'm here to write about my journey so far, in hopes that it will encourage those who are feeling hopeless and in a dark place to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

First, my story: About 7 years ago, I found out I had herpes after an outbreak down there. The girl who gave it to me denied that she had it, and blamed me for cheating on her (which I wasn't). I realized then and there that this girl has no integrity and ended that relationship.

The year after my diagnosis, I met a girl. We dated for about a year. Halfway through the relationship, she told me she had herpes, even though we had had unprotected sex (she told me she tested negative on an STD panel and I said the same, which was true, but STD panels don't test for herpes). She cried, told me that she's sorry she didn't tell me sooner, but I couldn't blame her because I hadn't disclosed it to her either. I told her I had it too and we were both relieved. That relationship ended for other reasons, but one of the last things she told me was, "Please tell the next girl you date."

I didn't date anyone for about 4 years after that. I focused on my work and becoming a master of my craft, slaying physical fitness, learning things I'd been wanting to learn for a long time, and becoming the best damn version of myself that I could be. The biggest change here was that I decided that I didn't want to settle for anything less than my dream girl. But what did my dream girl look like? I didn't really know, I was just dating and taking what came to me. On a long ride while on vacation, a friend and I decided to get very clear on what we wanted in a woman. And this is where the magic began.

We took out a sheet of paper and wrote down every single quality we wanted in a woman. On the flip side of the paper, we wrote all the qualities we did not want or couldn't stand in a woman, based on our past experiences or otherwise. Then we'd turn those negatives into positives. Example: "Doesn't nag and complain" becomes "Loving and effective communicator". Over the next few years, I'd continue updating my list on the same sheet of paper.

The biggest thing to keep in mind is that with the long list of qualities, I had to refocus everything back onto myself. I had to embody all of the qualities I wanted in a woman. "Takes care of herself and is physically fit" means I had to do the same myself. "Loving and accepting of me having herpes or has it too" meant I had to learn to be loving and accepting of having it myself, which I wasn't. There were too many times that I hated myself for having it and wishing I could go back in time and change things.

The last thing here, and I'll be fully honest here, is that herpes made me humble and deepened my connection to That Which Is Greater Than All Of Us/God/Universe/Life (call it whatever you want to call it). Without this, none of anything would be possible. It allows the ego to take a back seat, relinquish control beyond what it has control over, and to trust that there's a greater process of governance at play.

About a month ago, I met the most amazing girl on the planet. I'd been on dating apps, approached beautiful women where I saw them, still did my best, but none of those led anywhere. The chemistry with this girl was off the charts. Absolutely mindblowing and unlike anything else I've ever experienced. After 4 years of not being in any romantic relationships whatsoever, she just came into my life. From our very first date, we clicked. Everything felt so natural, so effortless, so real. We've been dating for over a month now, and a few times, there was the chance of greater intimacy, but I held back, which oddly, she found very attractive.

Last night, I knew that the chances of us getting intimate were high, and I didn't want to stop this time since she'd probably feel rejected. I was deathly afraid of disclosing to her, because the stakes were high. This girl met 85%+ of the qualities I wanted in a woman, truly my dream girl, and my worst fear was that she'd say that she doesn't want to risk being with me and the relationship would end. I made the decision to tell her on 2-3 previous dates, but couldn't do it. I thought about not disclosing and just staying on the medication, but that didn't feel right with this girl. She had to know the truth.

The foundation of any relationship is trust, it's the most important currency there is for building a strong foundation for a relationship: one that's based in honesty, trust, integrity, and vulnerability. I had seen too many relationships around me corrode from the inside because of small, insidious lies that just snowballed into bigger ones over time. At the end of the day, relationships are a mirror, and if we don't like what we see in the mirror, we haven't fully accepted ourselves. I see relationships as a vehicle for transcendence and self-actualization, but that's not possible if you can't fully love and accept things about yourself when you look into the mirror.

So, after a home cooked dinner, we put on a movie in the background and started talking about the future. I knew there and then that I had to tell her. She was in my arms, holding my hands, very loving. And I said to her... "There's something I want you to know. First of all, I think you're incredible and I feel very safe around you, safe enough to be vulnerable and tell you what I'm about to tell you. I obviously trust you so much to tell you this, so please keep it between us. Years ago, I tested positive for herpes, which is totally common, and it's under control, and the chances of you getting it are super small. Do you know anything about it?"

And she told me that years ago, in her department at work, this girl got it from her partner and was absolutely pissed off about it because she didn't know. It was horrible, the breach of trust it created. I let her know that a lot of people who have it are asymptomatic, so it's easy to pass it on without knowing. The first thing she said to me wasn't the worst that I had imagined. She didn't stop and tell me that she has to rethink our relationship, she didn't look at me like a deer in headlights. She said, "Oh my God, finding out must have been very hard for you." I've never seen so much compassion and empathy in a woman's eyes. Her eyes watered as she looked deep into my eyes.

"Very hard. But that's why I'm telling you. I want us to have a relationship built on honesty and trust. And since we started seeing each other, I've been taking medication to help prevent the risk of transmission. If I have any symptoms, I'll let you know. I promise."

She hugged me and kissed me so much. She thanked me for telling her. She was like "This must have been so hard for you to tell me. Thank you so much. Takes a lot of courage." She was so empathetic, and her response meant the world to me.

And then? We made love and it was absolutely mindblowing. I had condoms ready, and we went allll night.

It's such a huge relief getting this off my chest. But none of it would have been possible if I hadn't done the work first. I had written a script and recited it for weeks before mustering up the courage to tell her. But, I realized: fear is the compass guiding you north. Choose faith over fear. Choose love over fear. And remember that on the other side of fear is confidence, and the only way to get there is to choose courage.

I hope this encourages others to see the greater picture. Herpes taught me what vulnerability is, because before that I'd keep women at arm's length. I didn't know what vulnerability was. But now, I've given permission to her to be super vulnerable with me too. She said she hadn't been tested since her last relationship, so I told her I'd go get tested with her so she doesn't have to do it alone, and she loved that.

Post-disclosure, we're closer, we're more connected, there's more trust between us. So, see herpes as an opportunity to build trust and connection, to demonstrate vulnerability. For the right person, this won't matter. For the wrong person, it's an easy reason to escape.

And lastly, I'll say that none of this would have been without my faith in a Greater Power (God/Universe/whatever you want to call it). Every night before bed, I'd express gratitude for all of the blessings in my life, and for the things coming into my life. Herpes has deepened my spiritual connection by keeping me humble and removing me from a path that was going nowhere in relationships. Casual relationships went out the window, because, as Jordan Peterson says, "The problem with casual sex is that you also see yourself as just a casual partner. Is that what you want?" I knew it wasn't, and acknowledging that meant I had to make a lot of changes into my life. At the end of the day, you attract who you are. So know exactly what your perfect partner looks like in every way, then work at becoming that perfect partner yourself, which includes love and compassion for a virus that doesn't define your identity.

OK, that's all I have to share, hope this is helpful and much love to everyone here

Edited February 3 by Jeremy Spokein
added a line

[CHT]

7 hours ago, Jeremy Spokein said:

Hey everyone, I'm here to write about my journey so far, in hopes that it will encourage those who are feeling hopeless and in a dark place to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

First, my story: About 7 years ago, I found out I had herpes after an outbreak down there. The girl who gave it to me denied that she had it, and blamed me for cheating on her (which I wasn't). I realized then and there that this girl has no integrity and ended that relationship.

The year after my diagnosis, I met a girl. We dated for about a year. Halfway through the relationship, she told me she had herpes, even though we had had unprotected sex (she told me she tested negative on an STD panel and I said the same, which was true, but STD panels don't test for herpes). She cried, told me that she's sorry she didn't tell me sooner, but I couldn't blame her because I hadn't disclosed it to her either. I told her I had it too and we were both relieved. That relationship ended for other reasons, but one of the last things she told me was, "Please tell the next girl you date."

I didn't date anyone for about 4 years after that. I focused on my work and becoming a master of my craft, slaying physical fitness, learning things I'd been wanting to learn for a long time, and becoming the best damn version of myself that I could be. The biggest change here was that I decided that I didn't want to settle for anything less than my dream girl. But what did my dream girl look like? I didn't really know, I was just dating and taking what came to me. On a long ride while on vacation, a friend and I decided to get very clear on what we wanted in a woman. And this is where the magic began.

We took out a sheet of paper and wrote down every single quality we wanted in a woman. On the flip side of the paper, we wrote all the qualities we did not want or couldn't stand in a woman, based on our past experiences or otherwise. Then we'd turn those negatives into positives. Example: "Doesn't nag and complain" becomes "Loving and effective communicator". Over the next few years, I'd continue updating my list on the same sheet of paper.

The biggest thing to keep in mind is that with the long list of qualities, I had to refocus everything back onto myself. I had to embody all of the qualities I wanted in a woman. "Takes care of herself and is physically fit" means I had to do the same myself. "Loving and accepting of me having herpes or has it too" meant I had to learn to be loving and accepting of having it myself, which I wasn't. There were too many times that I hated myself for having it and wishing I could go back in time and change things.

The last thing here, and I'll be fully honest here, is that herpes made me humble and deepened my connection to That Which Is Greater Than All Of Us/God/Universe/Life (call it whatever you want to call it). Without this, none of anything would be possible. It allows the ego to take a back seat, relinquish control beyond what it has control over, and to trust that there's a greater process of governance at play.

About a month ago, I met the most amazing girl on the planet. I'd been on dating apps, approached beautiful women where I saw them, still did my best, but none of those led anywhere. The chemistry with this girl was off the charts. Absolutely mindblowing and unlike anything else I've ever experienced. After 4 years of not being in any romantic relationships whatsoever, she just came into my life. From our very first date, we clicked. Everything felt so natural, so effortless, so real. We've been dating for over a month now, and a few times, there was the chance of greater intimacy, but I held back, which oddly, she found very attractive.

Last night, I knew that the chances of us getting intimate were high, and I didn't want to stop this time since she'd probably feel rejected. I was deathly afraid of disclosing to her, because the stakes were high. This girl met 85%+ of the qualities I wanted in a woman, truly my dream girl, and my worst fear was that she'd say that she doesn't want to risk being with me and the relationship would end. I made the decision to tell her on 2-3 previous dates, but couldn't do it. I thought about not disclosing and just staying on the medication, but that didn't feel right with this girl. She had to know the truth.

The foundation of any relationship is trust, it's the most important currency there is for building a strong foundation for a relationship: one that's based in honesty, trust, integrity, and vulnerability. I had seen too many relationships around me corrode from the inside because of small, insidious lies that just snowballed into bigger ones over time. At the end of the day, relationships are a mirror, and if we don't like what we see in the mirror, we haven't fully accepted ourselves. I see relationships as a vehicle for transcendence and self-actualization, but that's not possible if you can't fully love and accept things about yourself when you look into the mirror.

So, after a home cooked dinner, we put on a movie in the background and started talking about the future. I knew there and then that I had to tell her. She was in my arms, holding my hands, very loving. And I said to her... "There's something I want you to know. First of all, I think you're incredible and I feel very safe around you, safe enough to be vulnerable and tell you what I'm about to tell you. I obviously trust you so much to tell you this, so please keep it between us. Years ago, I tested positive for herpes, which is totally common, and it's under control, and the chances of you getting it are super small. Do you know anything about it?"

And she told me that years ago, in her department at work, this girl got it from her partner and was absolutely pissed off about it because she didn't know. It was horrible, the breach of trust it created. I let her know that a lot of people who have it are asymptomatic, so it's easy to pass it on without knowing. The first thing she said to me wasn't the worst that I had imagined. She didn't stop and tell me that she has to rethink our relationship, she didn't look at me like a deer in headlights. She said, "Oh my God, finding out must have been very hard for you." I've never seen so much compassion and empathy in a woman's eyes. Her eyes watered as she looked deep into my eyes.

"Very hard. But that's why I'm telling you. I want us to have a relationship built on honesty and trust. And since we started seeing each other, I've been taking medication to help prevent the risk of transmission. If I have any symptoms, I'll let you know. I promise."

She hugged me and kissed me so much. She thanked me for telling her. She was like "This must have been so hard for you to tell me. Thank you so much. Takes a lot of courage." She was so empathetic, and her response meant the world to me.

And then? We made love and it was absolutely mindblowing. I had condoms ready, and we went allll night.

It's such a huge relief getting this off my chest. But none of it would have been possible if I hadn't done the work first. I had written a script and recited it for weeks before mustering up the courage to tell her. But, I realized: fear is the compass guiding you north. Choose faith over fear. Choose love over fear. And remember that on the other side of fear is confidence, and the only way to get there is to choose courage.

I hope this encourages others to see the greater picture. Herpes taught me what vulnerability is, because before that I'd keep women at arm's length. I didn't know what vulnerability was. But now, I've given permission to her to be super vulnerable with me too. She said she hadn't been tested since her last relationship, so I told her I'd go get tested with her so she doesn't have to do it alone, and she loved that.

Post-disclosure, we're closer, we're more connected, there's more trust between us. So, see herpes as an opportunity to build trust and connection, to demonstrate vulnerability. For the right person, this won't matter. For the wrong person, it's an easy reason to escape.

And lastly, I'll say that none of this would have been without my faith in a Greater Power (God/Universe/whatever you want to call it). Every night before bed, I'd express gratitude for all of the blessings in my life, and for the things coming into my life. Herpes has deepened my spiritual connection by keeping me humble and removing me from a path that was going nowhere in relationships. Casual relationships went out the window, because, as Jordan Peterson says, "The problem with casual sex is that you also see yourself as just a casual partner. Is that what you want?" I knew it wasn't, and acknowledging that meant I had to make a lot of changes into my life. At the end of the day, you attract who you are. So know exactly what your perfect partner looks like in every way, then work at becoming that perfect partner yourself, which includes love and compassion for a virus that doesn't define your identity.

OK, that's all I have to share, hope this is helpful and much love to everyone here

That was well worth reading, Jeremy..... thank you for sharing your story.  I know your story will help many people who come to this site in fear and panic regarding their chances of a future relationship after they discover they have HSV.  And, by the way, your partner's first reaction to your disclosure speaks volumes as to her character...."this must have been so hard for you to tell me.... thank you so much."  What a kind and empathetic reaction.  I wish you both the best and thank you again for sharing.

[Jeremy Spokein]

58 minutes ago, CHT said:

That was well worth reading, Jeremy..... thank you for sharing your story.  I know your story will help many people who come to this site in fear and panic regarding their chances of a future relationship after they discover they have HSV.  And, by the way, your partner's first reaction to your disclosure speaks volumes as to her character...."this must have been so hard for you to tell me.... thank you so much."  What a kind and empathetic reaction.  I wish you both the best and thank you again for sharing.

Thank you, CHT. I appreciate your comment! The most important thing I've learned so far is to take things slowly to build trust first. Chemistry is super important too, you can't fake that.

[Jeremy Spokein]

Unfortunately, this relationship took a hard, sour turn after she Googled more about the virus and feared getting it. I'm in a horrible place mentally. To meet the woman of your dreams (ticked 85%+ of the boxes) and to have it all fall apart because of this.

Oh well, I guess she's not the woman of my dreams then. It's like, if you want to date women with no kids and that's non-negotiable, even if you meet the woman of the dreams and she says she has a kid, that would be a dealbreaker. So, gotta find someone who can accept this part of me. I can't change it. Gotta accept it. Oh well. I still love me.

She posted this on her social media, for what it's worth:
"Anything you lose by being honest, you never had in the first place."

Back to the drawing board...

If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom and encouragement to share here, please do. Truth bombs are welcome more than anything else, no need to sugar-coat anything.

I'm hurting very, very deeply. To make yourself so vulnerable and to have your heart ripped out of your chest weeks later.

Edited March 9 by Jeremy Spokein
Added.

[CHT]

45 minutes ago, Jeremy Spokein said:

Unfortunately, this relationship took a hard, sour turn after she Googled more about the virus and feared getting it. I'm in a horrible place mentally. To meet the woman of your dreams (ticked 85%+ of the boxes) and to have it all fall apart because of this.

Oh well, I guess she's not the woman of my dreams then. It's like, if you want to date women with no kids and that's non-negotiable, even if you meet the woman of the dreams and she says she has a kid, that would be a dealbreaker. So, gotta find someone who can accept this part of me. I can't change it. Gotta accept it. Oh well. I still love me.

She posted this on her social media, for what it's worth:
"Anything you lose by being honest, you never had in the first place."

Back to the drawing board...

If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom and encouragement to share here, please do. Truth bombs are welcome more than anything else, no need to sugar-coat anything.

I'm hurting very, very deeply. To make yourself so vulnerable and to have your heart ripped out of your chest weeks later.

Hi Jeremy.... very sorry to hear things did not work out.  I think she said it best:  "anything you lose by being honest, you never had in the first place."  If your honesty is what triggered the ending of this relationship then, you have to accept you never really had it in the first place.... I've been where you are and I know how much it hurts....no one wants to be rejected, no matter the reason.... but, I assure you, it's not fatal.  Take some time and grieve the loss of the lost promise of this relationship and then when you're ready, you'll try again....it's natural to feel hurt and rejected.... and perfectly fine to feel sorry for yourself for a while.... it helps with the healing.  Do things that you enjoy and make you feel good for a while.... treat yourself with kindness and care.  

For future reference, have you tried any dating sites that are for people with HSV?  I did it several years back and did not quite work out for me (yet, I made a friend or two along the way).  I have a friend (also with HSV2) that has had very good luck meeting nice young ladies on one of the sites (not sure which one).... he's been in a long-term relationship with one young lady now for a few years.  I think your dating options are best if you live in a large urban center (as my friend and I do).  The biggest advantage of these types of websites is you get to bypass the whole trauma of having the "talk."   Give it some thought.... take care and  come back here and vent if you need it.  Best to you.

[Jeremy Spokein]

On 3/9/2023 at 2:30 PM, CHT said:

Hi Jeremy.... very sorry to hear things did not work out.  I think she said it best:  "anything you lose by being honest, you never had in the first place."  If your honesty is what triggered the ending of this relationship then, you have to accept you never really had it in the first place.... I've been where you are and I know how much it hurts....no one wants to be rejected, no matter the reason.... but, I assure you, it's not fatal.  Take some time and grieve the loss of the lost promise of this relationship and then when you're ready, you'll try again....it's natural to feel hurt and rejected.... and perfectly fine to feel sorry for yourself for a while.... it helps with the healing.  Do things that you enjoy and make you feel good for a while.... treat yourself with kindness and care.  

For future reference, have you tried any dating sites that are for people with HSV?  I did it several years back and did not quite work out for me (yet, I made a friend or two along the way).  I have a friend (also with HSV2) that has had very good luck meeting nice young ladies on one of the sites (not sure which one).... he's been in a long-term relationship with one young lady now for a few years.  I think your dating options are best if you live in a large urban center (as my friend and I do).  The biggest advantage of these types of websites is you get to bypass the whole trauma of having the "talk."   Give it some thought.... take care and  come back here and vent if you need it.  Best to you.

Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches.

I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life.

The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.

[CHT]

8 hours ago, Jeremy Spokein said:

Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches.

I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life.

The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.

Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed....

it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 

[Jeremy Spokein]

On 3/23/2023 at 8:15 PM, CHT said:

Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed....

it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 

Yes, but every married person who I found out about that has this waited 6-8 months into the relationship to disclose it. But maybe you're right. If I had told her 6-7 months in, she'd still have Googled it and flipped out, and maybe it would have been harder then.

I don't know. I don't see myself going through this level of pain and rejection so easily next time. I really don't. I'm taking the meds. I use protection. It's been almost a decade since I've had it so I'm not worried about shedding or passing it on so easily. British studies confirm that the first 2 years are the most contagious and we're passed that.

I'm just over this. I've never been in so much emotional pain in my life.

[CHT]

23 hours ago, Jeremy Spokein said:

Yes, but every married person who I found out about that has this waited 6-8 months into the relationship to disclose it. But maybe you're right. If I had told her 6-7 months in, she'd still have Googled it and flipped out, and maybe it would have been harder then.

I don't know. I don't see myself going through this level of pain and rejection so easily next time. I really don't. I'm taking the meds. I use protection. It's been almost a decade since I've had it so I'm not worried about shedding or passing it on so easily. British studies confirm that the first 2 years are the most contagious and we're passed that.

I'm just over this. I've never been in so much emotional pain in my life.

Hey Jeremy.... I know only too well that emotional pain you are feeling.... I really do.... and many of us on this site also know that pain.  It's not so much the physical side of having HSV that hurts, it's the stigma and risk of rejection that stings like hell!  You have to do what you think is right as it relates to when you disclose your HSV status when getting to know someone romantically.... I just think it's best to do it relatively early, and certainly before any sexual activity.  

Have you looked into dating sites that cater to those with HSV?  I know others have had some luck with meeting partners on these sites.... you don't have to worry about the "disclosure" talk nor would you obviously have to worry about passing along a virus the other person already has.... take a few minutes and search around and see if it's an option you like.

By the way, by taking your daily antiviral med and using a condom, your risk of passing along the virus is down around 1.9%.... pretty good odds that if you stick to your regimen you are very unlikely to transmit the virus....keep that in mind when you meet your next girlfriend and need to have "the talk."  That statistic might help calm any concerns about contracting the virus from you.

I hope you don't give up.... as tough as it can be to find the right partner, it's still worth trying.... try to stay optimistic and look into some alternate options and see what happens.... all the best.... take care.

[Jeremy Spokein]

On 3/29/2023 at 6:39 PM, CHT said:

Hey Jeremy.... I know only too well that emotional pain you are feeling.... I really do.... and many of us on this site also know that pain.  It's not so much the physical side of having HSV that hurts, it's the stigma and risk of rejection that stings like hell!  You have to do what you think is right as it relates to when you disclose your HSV status when getting to know someone romantically.... I just think it's best to do it relatively early, and certainly before any sexual activity.  

Have you looked into dating sites that cater to those with HSV?  I know others have had some luck with meeting partners on these sites.... you don't have to worry about the "disclosure" talk nor would you obviously have to worry about passing along a virus the other person already has.... take a few minutes and search around and see if it's an option you like.

By the way, by taking your daily antiviral med and using a condom, your risk of passing along the virus is down around 1.9%.... pretty good odds that if you stick to your regimen you are very unlikely to transmit the virus....keep that in mind when you meet your next girlfriend and need to have "the talk."  That statistic might help calm any concerns about contracting the virus from you.

I hope you don't give up.... as tough as it can be to find the right partner, it's still worth trying.... try to stay optimistic and look into some alternate options and see what happens.... all the best.... take care.

Thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate it. I haven't given up, but I don't see myself disclosing to the next girl to to be honest. I literally just lost the woman of my dreams and it hasn't been easy to move on. She flipped 180 in one weekend, and it's been a decline since then, "in limbo" for almost 2 months, not knowing where we stand until I finally told her to take all the space she needs.

She's an engineer, so 1.9% statistically speaking in her mind was too high of a risk at 1 in 50 chance. Since her job is about managing risks, that is too high of a number for her to risk.

I'm over it. HSV doesn't bother me. At all. I don't see myself any differently. I've fully accepted it. Love myself fully. No problems there. It's hard enough finding a mate who matches my list of non-negotiables, similar values, lifestyle, chemistry, sense of humor and other qualities + loving each others' natural scent (which signifies a good genetic match) – add the HSV thing on top of that and it's like finding a tiny needle in a massive hay stack.

The HSV dating sites have produced zero matches that would meet my standards. I know exactly what I want in a woman. I thought I had found her, but... I guess not.

I might just not disclose and then see what happens with these vaccines that are supposed to be out within the next 2-3 years or latest 2030, hopefully. Then I get the vaccine and that takes care of that.

Or who knows? Maybe I meet a woman with whom I feel so comfortable with that it doesn't matter. But I already went down that route and look where it got me. I'll figure it out, one step at a time.

Edited April 12 by Jeremy Spokein

[Jeremy Spokein]

After 2 months of mourning, grieving, and accepting the loss of my dream woman with the most devastating heartbreak I've ever experienced in my life, I've come to the conclusion that disclosing is not something I morally have to do. My only moral obligation, as far as I'm concerned, is to protect those who I love. And taking the medication and using protection is how I will do that. NOT telling them is a way of loving myself and protecting them from a stupid stigma that makes absolutely no sense.

Here's a great article that justifies REASONS NOT TO DISCLOSE:
https://medium.com/@ellenbeale/i-have-herpes-and-i-dont-think-i-need-to-tell-people-1ca71ac7c0e

After accepting this, I feel normal again. Can't believe I lost the woman of my dreams. If I didn't have herpes and someone told me they had it, I'd run too, because the stigma is too severe right now. So this is all part of my healing and I have zero qualms about it.

That said, I will be staying on the meds when I meet my next (hopefully) dream woman. That's how I maintain my integrity. By 2030, hopefully there'll be a cure and we can get rid of this thing once and for all.

Unpopular opinion, but it makes more sense for me and that's how I'm dealing with this. BTW, the whole "disclosure" thing is pandered in the US. Not in the UK, or in Asia or Europe, or any other country I've lived in or visited. So, that's my 2 cents and that's how I will handle this moving forward.

Thank you all for your input.

[Jeremy Spokein]

And one more thing to add: even if she accepts it, she will look at you and treat you differently, never 100% the same as before. THAT was the most painful part. F*cking hurts like no pain I've ever experienced before. Not even my own grandmother's passing resulted in more pain and tears than this.

This was worse than the diagnosis itself. 3 months since we last slept together and I'm still recovering, working with therapists and coaches to make sense of this.

To go from "can't keep our hands off of each other, full-on passion" to being looked and treated as a leper. NEVER AGAIN.

My responsibility is to stay on the meds and protect my love, that's it. The unnecessary fear + anxiety introduced into the relationship, as far as I'm concerned, is not worth it. Many will disagree with me, but this is what feels right for me, and this for me, is acting out of integrity. I'm protecting both her and myself and my own psychological well-being.

But that relationship is over. The deepest pain I've ever experienced in my life wasn't from being diagnosed with herpes, it was my dream woman rejecting me because of it, when everything was going perfectly well otherwise.