can I ever trust again?

[Guest Anonymous]

a little over a year ago i met a bad bad man. it was our first date and he was comming on very strong. after much drinking and him unrelenlessly pressuring me for sex (I said no at least 10 times and even said i would leave if he asked me again) for some stupid reason (probably alcohol and hormones) I all of a sudden said yes. I have never been strong willed when it comes to saying no to sex. even when i dont want to and say no and tell myself that i 'm not guys talk me into it. i have been date raped probably 4 times in my life. sometime during sex this guy took the condom off. who does that?!?. I am 28 years old and can count on one hand how many times i have had unprotected sex. i was in a monogamous relationship for 6 years and we used condoms ALL the time. I have never had a man ejaculate inside of me. I was mortified. I was the safety queen. Bam now i have herpes and hpv. my friends couldn't believe that me of all people, knowing my attitude about safe sex, would get an std. I have spent over a year in clinics, in surgury, my insurance billed over 15,000 dollars. i have been to every specialist. i have been very sick. after he did that to me i immediately got H. i was so scared and alone, i didnt think anyone would want me. i stayed with him for almost a year. he verbally and mentally abused me, sometimes even bordering on physical. he threatened my life. cheated constanly, lied. he anally raped me, he even tried to say that we never put a condom on in the first place, just to cover his tracks in case i try to sue him. it took me four months to tell him he gave me H. befor i confronted him i asked if he had ever had an std. he said no, knowing he had herpes and warts.when i did confront him he called me a slut and said i probably got it elsewhere. I havn't been with anyone since who did not know about my stds. it is so important to me to not hurt someone i care about. i would never even think of not using a comdom. and he knew he had two stds and had unprotected sex with me anyways. he didn't even try to protect me. i think he hates women and likes to hurt and destroy them. i finally had left him when the warts showed up, he lied about that for a couple months too befor he finally fessed up. when i got the second std i went back to him thinking i would never meet anyone with two stds. after almost a year of lieing, cheating and abuse (he was an absolutly ruthless monster to me)

I tried to kill myself, he didn't even care, he didnt even call to check and see if i was alive or dead. he would probably been relieved if i was because than he wouldnt have to deal with me anymore. i finally decided alone was better than being with him. I see him out occasionally hitting on any woman who will talk to him, trying his best to destroy more pretty girls. he won't even acknowlege me, after a year of sleeping with him he pretends he doesn't know me. the injustice is unbearable. i can't accept that someone did this to me and they don't even care, and that they are doing it over and over again, and have probably done it many times befor.

all he had to do was keep the condom on, i ment that little to this person that that little extra bit of sensation was more important than my health and my future.

I talked to a rape counselor, the police, lawyers. i have been in therapy for a year. the rape counselor said there was nothing i could do and that someone will probably end up killing him. little consolation that gives me, im not going to kill anyone. I cant deal emotionally with a court battle, they wil just make me out to look like a slut. After taking care of myself my whole life and being so careful one man ruined me for his sick pleasure. I can deal with a little skin rash but the wounds on the inside just wont heal. I hate men now. i am terrified of intimacy, i think every guy is just trying to use me. i used to be so loving and open hearted, unfortunely my accerting loving spirt let this monster in, and now i feel i can never let anyone in again. and i wonder who would want this jaded angry woman with two contagious diseases. can i ever trust again?

girls (and guys) please know who you are going out with. get to know them very well befor you become intimate AT ALL. trust your instincts! if something seems off about a person there is a reason. this guy was a good con artist, and was very charming in the beginning but something did seem weird about him. I wish i would have listeded to my inner voice telling me to just walk out the door and leave that first night. And be very careful with alcohol, it interferes with your better judgement. i would never have been in that situation if i wasn't drunk. He knew that, i wish i did.

[bocephalus]

i feel your pain...

Dear Geneveve,

Wow...what a heart wrenching story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience like that... if you stick on this website, I think that you'll find a lot of really supportive people. For what it's worth, please take a little bit of faith that you are not alone in this and there are plently of real men out there who would still want you and like you despite minor medical situations like the ones you have hitherto described.

By the procactive steps you have taken to deal with this situation, it would seem that you are a very strong person. Just the fact that you could write such a posting is proof of your internal strength - and should certainly make you that much more of a desirable partner for someone who can really appreciate such a positive personality trait as that.

Probably all of us have felt at some time or another that we were totally alone and would always be alone, ostracized and shunned...with not a hope of finding someone who would be willing to accept the person inside - but that simply ain't the fact...and here's proof: I'm (ahem!) a nice guy, a compassionate and sensitive kind of dude - and from what you've just written, you sound great to me!

woof!

[Faith]

Bocephalus is right! There are plenty of real men out there. Don't worry about the loser!

And he didn't ruin your life, Geneveve. He didn't.

As I read your post, my emotion rose. It reminded me of the anger, feeling of despair, helplessness, sadness, ......

I was also raped by a person who I thought was a good friend. Now I look back, I clearly see that he planned it, because he saw naivete and insecurity in me, and I was open to everybody, generous, and never believed anyone's bad intention. I was a perfect target in his eyes. And until that moment, I never knew that men were physically strong, and we women can't do anything when they hold us. I screamed, tried to push him aside and escape, but he was just F'ckin strong, I just cried and cried till he finished whatever he had to do.

Only a few days ago, a very good friend of mine and I talked about rape. Rape is a inhuman, mean, immoral action. There is absolutely no excuse for raping someone.

After the incident, I had hard time to trust someone, especially men. I felt that I was dirty and unworthy. I really understand what you are going through.

But I've learned from the experience, and now, I have power to not let it happen again.

It's all about taking care of yourself. No one will ever take care of you. YOU have to take care of yourself. And you have power to do it!!!! Saying "no" to others is many times saying "yes" to yourself. The more you take care of yourself, the more you feel confident. You learn the lesson, and grow, then no one can disrespect you anymore!!

Your loving sprit has never died!! You are still you!!!!!

Your experiences were very sad things. But all your experiences will never be wasted, if you learn from them and grow. And when you live your life with the new attitude (confident and strong), your life will be better and better. Then that will change the "meaning" of the experience in the past.

You were already loving, and open hearted person. Now all the bad experiences you went through are on your side, protecting you from harm, giving you the clear view of the world, and making you a sensitive, thoughtful person!! Now you are much more person than before all those things happened. And do you still think that no one will be attracted to you...? <smile>

Be confident of yourself, girl!! Stay strong!!

Don't let anyone or anything drag you down!!

Then... I -know- things will start working out for the best!! <smile>

Faith