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Do I continue to stay in the relationship?

Guest Anonymous

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Guest Anonymous

I was diagnosed w/ herpes 3 yrs ago. My present boyfriend infected me as I later found out. I was angry and hurt and in some ways felt he couldn't be trusted. He claimed he didn't know he had it even though he had two outbreaks which he thought were something else. And until this day he doesn't even know who gave it to him. All that said, I continue to stay with him but I wonder if it's more out of fear for ex. that no one else will want me/having to "start over" with someone new and having to tell them. How do I know if I'm staying for the right reasons??? Do I stay knowing I still harbor ill feelings for what he did? Even after all this time I'm extremely confused. Is anyone out there in a similar situation? I could use some much needed advice or at least your thoughts on this...

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Guest Anonymous

i stayed with the guy who gave me h for almost a year.I was so afraid no one else would want me either. he used and abused me, cheated and lied constantly. he did everything he could to destroy my spirit and this relationship almost killed me. it will take me years to heal and i dont know if will ever be the same. but i am free now. it is way better to be alone than with someone you dont trust or that doesnt really care about you. funny that i said better to be alone because i was never more alone than that time when i was with him. anyways dont sell yourself short. the longer you waste time with the wrong person the less time you have available to find the right one. if this guy was dishonest about something as important as your health what else is he being dishonest about? what kind of integrety does he have if he didnt tell you what was up with him.

im moving forward and have told four people, two of which were fine with it, one who had it too. i joined on online dating service for people with this and have met two nice potentials. dont stay with him out of fear or for the wrong reasons. you will be o.k.

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H dating site

I'm an honest ,caring person looking not to be alone anymore!Please let me know of a dating site for people with H! Your help is very much appreciated!

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All that said, I continue to stay with him but I wonder if it's more out of fear for ex. that no one else will want me/having to "start over" with someone new and having to tell them

People will still want you. For you...

How do I know if I'm staying for the right reasons???

We can't answer that question, only you can. I believe you know in your heart that you are settling. I don't think you would be on this website, posting these thoughts if you didn't think you deserve more/better.

I think you know, but you are trying to convince yourself... And all I can say is that noone can make that decision for you but you, but know that we will be here for you in any way we can.

Do I stay knowing I still harbor ill feelings for what he did?

Your relationship is your relationship, and its about NOW not 'then'.

Maybe he know, maybe he didn't... What about NOW?

Are things great now?

I know lots of girls that just REFUSE to let go of the past long enough to enjoy their relationship NOW.

Do you and he have a good relationship? Do you love him? Do you trust him NOW? Do you guys communicate well? Do you work together, or do you argue? Do you respect each other?

I could use some much needed advice or at least your thoughts on this...

My gut says you KNOW you are selling yourself short, but you are too scared to consider the thoughts of 'starting over'

My advice would be to be HONEST with him. TELL HIM how you are feeling. Tell him what you just told us.

You can't solve your problems, or figure out your relationship with us. You CAN figure your relationshp out with him.

We can be here to give advice, or support, but in the end, the success or failure of your and his relationship depends on you 2.

You need to be flat-out-honest. No filters, no candy-coting, no games, no tip-toeing around what you feel.

Tell him exactly how you are feeling, and see what his thoughts are.

Maybe you guys will decide you want to try splitting...

Have the courage to do what you KNOW you need to do.



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Hey Nickky,

I know how you feel about tha anger, I'm in a little bit different situation where my x-husband told me he tested positive a month or so after I served him with divorce papers. Seemed he had known long before, just couldn't tell me.

I am convinced he gave it to me because when we first met I was on my way for major surgery and then was sick for at least a month and had all sorts of problems - none of them were HSV. My first OB that I can remember was when we were planning the wedding 3 years later and I started a kickboxing class. Seemed I was so stressed, and the sweaty, lycra clothes were bringing on the OBs. I even went to the doc and was told it was just pimples from irritation from the gym. So two years later when I was pregnant and was told it was just a pimple again, I thought nothing of it.

My X had been having "bad jock itch" occasionally when we first lived together before our engagement and I never saw it. The jock-itch meds weren't working and his docs gave him other meds on and off, it would just go away after a week or so.

Until he was diagnosed, I didn't demand a swab of the "pimples" which never were like regular pimples. When I finally did I was furious that the docs had misdiagnosed for so long, putting my baby in jeopardy. And until he went to a new doctor he was continually misdiagnosed I believe.

One of us had it before we met. I only believe it was him due to my illness and that I never cheated, of course he thinks I cheated and gave it to him - not a chance.

My point - I believe he honestly didn't know he had it. I do not blame him - how can I? He didn't know. I had it for at least 2 years before knowing what it was.

If you think your boyfriend is lying and knowingly exposed you, then go ahead and leave him if you can't accept that - who could? But if he is sincere in not knowing, then you need to find a way to let your anger go, even if it's through yelling at him about it so he knows you're angry. Of course you may want to explain that you need to vent first, then yell... I bet he's angry too. We all are. SOmeone told me we don't hate the person, we hate the Herpes. Take away the Herpes issue and look at your relationship. Bottom line: do you love him?

Best wishes for a hard decision.


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    • CHT
      Hi "firstimeuser".... let's see what "WilsoinAus" thinks but, for what's it worth, I don't see anything in your picture (or description) that looks like herpes..... it actually looks more like a scrape or follicle issue.... maybe even a bug bite.  Also, by the way, the odds of having HSV2 with an outbreak on your testicles is very low.... that is not a typical spot for an HSV2 outbreak.    Have your doctor take a look and if you want some peace of mind, get an IgG antibody test for HSV2 in about 12 weeks (takes that long for antibodies to develop).... but, again, I don't think you have anything to worry about here.... just not seeing anything herpes-related here.    take care....best of luck.
    • CHT
      Hi Marlena..... since you stated you've had "herpes on the lips" then you likely have oral HSV1, which the majority of adults worldwide have... the fact your results for HSV1/2 are positive (at least I believe that's what your results show - I don't speak Polish but, I think I'm seeing your results are positive based on the attachment you included) may simply be reading the fact that you have HSV1.... the question is whether you've contracted HSV2 in your genital area. Your description of symptoms could possibly be related to HSV but, it's difficult to verify with certainty based on your description. You may also have contracted a different type of sexually transmitted infection (STI) or a simple fungal infection.   Your doctor does not believe what he/she is seeing is HSV but, unless your doctor has experience with HSV, they could easily misdiagnose your condition.  You need full STI testing. Do you have the option to travel to a larger city in Poland where you could get an appointment to be seen by a doctor with more experience with STIs?  You really need to have an experienced doctor take a look and run tests to check specifically for HSV2 as well as other STIs.  If they can rule out HSV2 or other STIs then hopefully they can then determine what is causing the redness, itching, and swollen condition.... again, it may not be HSV2 but, you need proper testing to verify.  Have you talked to your boyfriend about all this?  Has he had any symptoms on his genitals that are suspect?  Has he taken any tests to check for STIs?   I hope you can get more definitive testing so you know what you are dealing with and how best to treat it.  If you have any other questions/concerns, please come back and let us know.... I hope this helps a little.... best of luck.... take care.
    • CHT
      Hey Jeremy.... I know only too well that emotional pain you are feeling.... I really do.... and many of us on this site also know that pain.  It's not so much the physical side of having HSV that hurts, it's the stigma and risk of rejection that stings like hell!  You have to do what you think is right as it relates to when you disclose your HSV status when getting to know someone romantically.... I just think it's best to do it relatively early, and certainly before any sexual activity.   Have you looked into dating sites that cater to those with HSV?  I know others have had some luck with meeting partners on these sites.... you don't have to worry about the "disclosure" talk nor would you obviously have to worry about passing along a virus the other person already has.... take a few minutes and search around and see if it's an option you like. By the way, by taking your daily antiviral med and using a condom, your risk of passing along the virus is down around 1.9%.... pretty good odds that if you stick to your regimen you are very unlikely to transmit the virus....keep that in mind when you meet your next girlfriend and need to have "the talk."  That statistic might help calm any concerns about contracting the virus from you. I hope you don't give up.... as tough as it can be to find the right partner, it's still worth trying.... try to stay optimistic and look into some alternate options and see what happens.... all the best.... take care.
    • FirstTimeUser
      @WilsoInAuswould appreciate your thoughts as have seen you comment quite a bit before!
    • Marlena
      Good morning. My name is Marlena and I come from Poland. Sorry, my English is average. For two years I have been in a relationship with a man, for a year and a half I have been struggling with intimate problems. On average, my intimate condition is getting worse every month. Then I feel itching, redness, swelling around the entrance to the vagina, small blisters (not always). Most often it is only red and swollen, itches and then disappears. This state lasts 3-4 days. I come from a small town, doctors don't know what it is. They say it's 'skin irritation'. They prescribe moisturizing creams with lactic acid, probiotics. It doesn't help. I did a blood test for HSV on my own, which is very expensive in Poland, but it does not separate HSV1 from HSV2. The doctor, when he shows these results, says that it's not herpes, but irritation. I would like to add that in the past I suffered from herpes on the lips, then it was a 'scab'. There has never been a scab in an intimate area. Sometimes there are blisters that last 1-2 days, but not always. So what do high blood test results mean? I would like to add that in Poland people do not talk about the HSV virus. It's just that sometimes someone has it on their lips and that's it. Results translation: IgM HSV 1/2: questionable IgG HSV 1/2: result above the measuring range https://files.fm/f/4cpu7uee4  
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