Do I continue to stay in the relationship?

[Guest Anonymous]

I was diagnosed w/ herpes 3 yrs ago. My present boyfriend infected me as I later found out. I was angry and hurt and in some ways felt he couldn't be trusted. He claimed he didn't know he had it even though he had two outbreaks which he thought were something else. And until this day he doesn't even know who gave it to him. All that said, I continue to stay with him but I wonder if it's more out of fear for ex. that no one else will want me/having to "start over" with someone new and having to tell them. How do I know if I'm staying for the right reasons??? Do I stay knowing I still harbor ill feelings for what he did? Even after all this time I'm extremely confused. Is anyone out there in a similar situation? I could use some much needed advice or at least your thoughts on this...

[Guest Anonymous]

i stayed with the guy who gave me h for almost a year.I was so afraid no one else would want me either. he used and abused me, cheated and lied constantly. he did everything he could to destroy my spirit and this relationship almost killed me. it will take me years to heal and i dont know if will ever be the same. but i am free now. it is way better to be alone than with someone you dont trust or that doesnt really care about you. funny that i said better to be alone because i was never more alone than that time when i was with him. anyways dont sell yourself short. the longer you waste time with the wrong person the less time you have available to find the right one. if this guy was dishonest about something as important as your health what else is he being dishonest about? what kind of integrety does he have if he didnt tell you what was up with him.

im moving forward and have told four people, two of which were fine with it, one who had it too. i joined on online dating service for people with this and have met two nice potentials. dont stay with him out of fear or for the wrong reasons. you will be o.k.

[mrniceguy]

H dating site

I'm an honest ,caring person looking not to be alone anymore!Please let me know of a dating site for people with H! Your help is very much appreciated!

[MC37 Pilot]

All that said, I continue to stay with him but I wonder if it's more out of fear for ex. that no one else will want me/having to "start over" with someone new and having to tell them

.

People will still want you. For you...

How do I know if I'm staying for the right reasons???

We can't answer that question, only you can. I believe you know in your heart that you are settling. I don't think you would be on this website, posting these thoughts if you didn't think you deserve more/better.

I think you know, but you are trying to convince yourself... And all I can say is that noone can make that decision for you but you, but know that we will be here for you in any way we can.

Do I stay knowing I still harbor ill feelings for what he did?

Your relationship is your relationship, and its about NOW not 'then'.

Maybe he know, maybe he didn't... What about NOW?

Are things great now?

I know lots of girls that just REFUSE to let go of the past long enough to enjoy their relationship NOW.

Do you and he have a good relationship? Do you love him? Do you trust him NOW? Do you guys communicate well? Do you work together, or do you argue? Do you respect each other?

I could use some much needed advice or at least your thoughts on this...

My gut says you KNOW you are selling yourself short, but you are too scared to consider the thoughts of 'starting over'

My advice would be to be HONEST with him. TELL HIM how you are feeling. Tell him what you just told us.

You can't solve your problems, or figure out your relationship with us. You CAN figure your relationshp out with him.

We can be here to give advice, or support, but in the end, the success or failure of your and his relationship depends on you 2.

You need to be flat-out-honest. No filters, no candy-coting, no games, no tip-toeing around what you feel.

Tell him exactly how you are feeling, and see what his thoughts are.

Maybe you guys will decide you want to try splitting...

Have the courage to do what you KNOW you need to do.

fhl,

nik

[Lasmom]

Hey Nickky,

I know how you feel about tha anger, I'm in a little bit different situation where my x-husband told me he tested positive a month or so after I served him with divorce papers. Seemed he had known long before, just couldn't tell me.

I am convinced he gave it to me because when we first met I was on my way for major surgery and then was sick for at least a month and had all sorts of problems - none of them were HSV. My first OB that I can remember was when we were planning the wedding 3 years later and I started a kickboxing class. Seemed I was so stressed, and the sweaty, lycra clothes were bringing on the OBs. I even went to the doc and was told it was just pimples from irritation from the gym. So two years later when I was pregnant and was told it was just a pimple again, I thought nothing of it.

My X had been having "bad jock itch" occasionally when we first lived together before our engagement and I never saw it. The jock-itch meds weren't working and his docs gave him other meds on and off, it would just go away after a week or so.

Until he was diagnosed, I didn't demand a swab of the "pimples" which never were like regular pimples. When I finally did I was furious that the docs had misdiagnosed for so long, putting my baby in jeopardy. And until he went to a new doctor he was continually misdiagnosed I believe.

One of us had it before we met. I only believe it was him due to my illness and that I never cheated, of course he thinks I cheated and gave it to him - not a chance.

My point - I believe he honestly didn't know he had it. I do not blame him - how can I? He didn't know. I had it for at least 2 years before knowing what it was.

If you think your boyfriend is lying and knowingly exposed you, then go ahead and leave him if you can't accept that - who could? But if he is sincere in not knowing, then you need to find a way to let your anger go, even if it's through yelling at him about it so he knows you're angry. Of course you may want to explain that you need to vent first, then yell... I bet he's angry too. We all are. SOmeone told me we don't hate the person, we hate the Herpes. Take away the Herpes issue and look at your relationship. Bottom line: do you love him?

Best wishes for a hard decision.

Lasmom