Sad and confused: Can you answer some of my questions?

[renem]

I was diagnosed with H three weeks ago. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. My first out break is almost over but I am still so confused and I have so many questions. If you can answer any of them, that would be great!

1) If I am not having a break out and we use a condom during sex do I still have to tell the guy that I have H before we sleep together? Is there still a chance that he could get it from me even with a condom and no break out?

2) If my partner knows that I have H and he wants to sleep with me without a condom when I am not having a break out, is that safe or is there still a pretty high chance that he could get it from me?

3) If I am not having a break out and a guy wants to give me oral sex, can he get H from doing that? And if yes, would he get it on his mouth in that case?

4) Similar to question #3 but reversed. If I am dating a guy who has H but is not having a break out can I give him oral sex (keeping in my mind I already have genital herpes) could this cause me to then get H on my mouth as well?

5) Say that I only get out breaks once a year and very mildly. And I meet a guy who has really bad outbreaks and he gets them once a month. We both have H so we decide to have sex without a condom, could my outbreaks actually become worse and more frequent like his are?

6) Will my breakouts always be in the same spot as my first? Will they hurt less or heal quicker as I experience more and more out breaks?

7)Is it better to tell a guy that you have H before you sleep together or when you start to get really serious and fall in love? Keeping in mind that I will be using a condom during the whole time. Should I wait to tell? I don?t wan to have to tell everyone I?m with all my personal stuff but is that the wrong thing to do by keeping it a secret and not telling until things get serious or will he hate me for doing that?

Thank you so much for listening to my questions. Any advice at this point would be greatly appreciated. I think I am still in shock. I can?t believe this happened to me and I feel so dirty and ashamed of myself for letting it happen. But I know with time and by educating myself I will start to feel better. Thanks again!

[Faith]

Hi Renem,

1). Yes, there still is a chance. That's why you have to tell.

2). If you have no outbreak, chance is not so high, but again, there still IS a chance. No one can tell if the virus is shedding or not.

3). It's possible for him to get it in his mouth. Very rare though, but still possible.

4). The study say no. (you won't get it, if you guys have the same type of HSV) But I've heard a real story that one got it in his mouth by oral sex.

5). Don't know..

6). Some people get it in a few different spots...

7). Whenever you feel that it's time to tell, it's time to tell. (and of course, it's gotta be before having sex)

You HAVE TO tell.... for your partner to take care of himself, and for YOU to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally.

Don't worry... as you said, educationg yourself will make you see things objectively.

Having herpes ain't so bad. It gives you a wonderful perspective... if you let it. <smile>

Best wishes..

Faith

[Lasmom]

I'm with Faith -

as far as #5 is concerned, I've only heard of a few instances where the the virus spread. But I wonder if that was an Hsv2 infection on someone who is HSV1 positive, or vice versa. I keep hearing that you can't get it twice because of antibodies, maybe that's just for a-symptomatic shedding, but if there is an open sore - I wouldn't take a chance.

#6 - My Doc said "that's as bad as it will get" ie. it won't spread on its own. For me, I'm on valtrex, and the OBs are smaller, heal quicker and are always in the same two areas. That may because I've had it a while too. I wonder if I spread it to the 2nd area from messing with the 1st before I knew what it was - touching the open sore... thinking it was a pimple.... she also said you could get mirrored sores - typ in women, where if you have a sore on your labia, and it's pressed against the other side, you can get "matching sores" I got so worried I put a bandaid on an area when it first opened.... was NOT comfortable, but better than another sore...

Good Luck... I hope that helps.

Does anyone know a good reference where the statistice for transmission is published?

[MC37 Pilot]

renem, first, I agree with everything Faith said... To expand a little bit and interject my opinion:

1) If I am not having a break out and we use a condom during sex do I still have to tell the guy that I have H before we sleep together? Is there still a chance that he could get it from me even with a condom and no break out?

This is really up to you. MY ADVICE is to always tell, always be honest. Being honest will NEVER lead you down the wrong path. I ASSURE YOU!!!

There is still a chance he could get it. A very SLIGHT chance. One time with a condom.. chances are slim...

He could reduce the chances even slimmer if he washed himself after you guys were done. (either with soap and water, or just keep a tub of wet-wipes near the bed.)

2) If my partner knows that I have H and he wants to sleep with me without a condom when I am not having a break out, is that safe or is there still a pretty high chance that he could get it from me?

Ditto what Faith said... There is a chance. It is NOT a 'high' chance. You may or may not be shedding... Hell, you may or may not even shed. You just don't know.

One thing you will learn as you learn more about HSV and std's in general. NO sex is SAFE. not even for 2 people who THINK neither 'has anything'. You just never know... So in this respect, always know that you are an 'equal' with anyone else who is not a virgin.

And again.. he could REDUCE the risk EVEN MORE if when you were done having sex, he washed himself, and urinated. BUT there would still be a risk.

You can also reduce the risk by using lubrication. Lubrication makes sex less 'abrasive'. Remember, its not enough JUST to get the virus on your skin... The virus needs an 'in'. A way to get in your skin. Your skin IS a part of your immune system, and block many viruses and bacteria from getting into your body. So if you use a lubricant, you make sex less abrasive, so the skin does not get as stressed/stretched, pulled, irritated. Its added protection.

He could. Again, its a SLIGHT risk. And a risk that coudl be reduced by him washing his face/lips when done, and rinsing his mouth out with listerine. Again, that wouldn't completely eliminate the risk, but it would reduce it even further.

4) Similar to question #3 but reversed. If I am dating a guy who has H but is not having a break out can I give him oral sex (keeping in my mind I already have genital herpes) could this cause me to then get H on my mouth as well?

Like Faith said, there are studies that say you have an immunity to the same type of HSV, but I would say there is still a slight risk.

5) Say that I only get out breaks once a year and very mildly. And I meet a guy who has really bad outbreaks and he gets them once a month. We both have H so we decide to have sex without a condom, could my outbreaks actually become worse and more frequent like his are?

From what I've read/researched, I'd say no. I think the frequency of outbreaks has to do with how effectively YOUR body fights off the virus... So a person who has more outbreaks (I THINK) has more because their body does not fight off the virus as well to keep it dormant.

BUT I would avoid sex at ALL costs during outbreaks.

6) Will my breakouts always be in the same spot as my first? Will they hurt less or heal quicker as I experience more and more out breaks?

Probably not. If you get more outbreaks they will probably vary in a few different places, but be in the same 'general' area. They will probably hurt about the same, but will heal quicker. This is something you can also help by adopting a healthy lifestyle. Don't smoke, exercise very regularly, eat right, get LOTS of rest, drink lots of water. (all the things everyone should do, HSV or not)

7)Is it better to tell a guy that you have H before you sleep together or when you start to get really serious and fall in love? Keeping in mind that I will be using a condom during the whole time. Should I wait to tell? I don?t wan to have to tell everyone I?m with all my personal stuff but is that the wrong thing to do by keeping it a secret and not telling until things get serious or will he hate me for doing that?

OK, this is more just my personal opinion then any cardinal rule or anything.

It is ALWAYS better to be completely honest about everything with someone. WOULDn't YOU want to know?

Treat other people like you would want them to treat you. Tell other people things that you would want them to tell you. DON'T be selfish and make other peoples decisions for them. THAT to me is wrong. (again thats just me)

I would not introduce yourself as "hey, I'm renem, I have HSV" Let people get to know you, let them fall in love with you.. I FEEL that the time to tell a person is EITHER the moment you KNOW you can trust them and have established a good HONEST conenction OR you should tell them BEFORE you put them at ANY risk.

To expand a little....

I don?t wan to have to tell everyone I?m with all my personal stuff

Just my own personal opinion as a 29yr old male... If you are willing to be 'with' someone, don't you think you should also care about them enough to be honest and share your personal stuff that would affect them.

One of the great things about having HSV is how much it makes you focus on personal growth, and being a better person.

Sex becomes a little less important as recreation, and a little more important as part of a committed relationship.

So again, just my personal opinion... Focus on committed relationshps, and relationships where you are comfortable enough to tell.

It depends on what you want in life, and I can't answer that for you.

If what you want is 1 loving committed relationship that lasts forever... Being 'with' people who you don't want to share personal stuff with doesn't get you ANY closer to that.

But again, I don't know what is important to you.

but is that the wrong thing to do by keeping it a secret and not telling until things get serious or will he hate me for doing that?

I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with letting someone fall in love with you BEFORE you tell, or letting things get 'serious' before you tell. (again, just personal opinion here) I DO think there is something wrong with having sex WITHOUT telling.

AS LONG as you tell a person BEFORE you put them at risk, they will NEVER hate you.

Noone who has evolved beyond a knuckle dragging cave-man would EVER hate you for being honest as long as you were honest when it counts (before you put them at risk)

Noone will say "WTF, wait until I love you, and NOW tell me you have HSV?" If they DO say that, they don't love you. (and there are a few un-evolved males still out in society)

IF you put someone at risk and THEN tell them... Personally, I think they have every reason to be upset about that. To NOT trust you, and to maybe hate you.

Tell BEFORE you put them at risk. Wether that is 5 months into a relationship and you want to start having sex.. Or wether its 2 weeks into a relationship, and things are getting hot and heavy... TELL before you put someone at risk. Let THEM decide, NOT you.

If they are broken hearted because they love you, but they don't want to deal with HSV they either know NOTHING about how EASY it is to live with HSV, or they are selfish bastards who are not worth your time.

good luck!

fhl,

nik

[renem]

thanks for the answers

Thank you for helping me get answers to all of my questions. It helps a lot to read the forums and it makes me feel less alone, thank you again!

[lovely79]

Did you know......

I read somewhere that in those that do not have ANY symptoms that they are basically shedding all of the time. I will have to find where I read that and send the site.

I'm thinking the ones that know that they have the virus aren't the ones spreading it. I'm thinking those that don't have ANY symptoms and are totally unaware are spreading it like it's nothing because they have no idea.

I'm talking HSV-2.

Lovely