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Is it ok to be mad???


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My name is Lindsay, I am 19 years old, and was diagnosed with genital herpes about a month ago. I am going through some rough times lately, and i feel very confused. I am angry with the guy who gave me this, mainly because i guesss--I'm holding him responsible. When in reality, we are both at fault. Neither of us knew that herpes can be contracted to genitals through oral sex (when he had a cold sore). So... technically you could say we were both at fault? But now I am left with this for life. And his genital herpes test came back negative. I get an STD and he gets cold sores. It feels so unfair, like I have been cheated! I don't know how to act towards him, but i feel angry most of the time. Is it wrong for me to feel this way?? Please help

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Nothing that a person feels is 'wrong'.... Everything you feel is understandable...

As humans, we do the best we can with the knowledge and feelings, and emotions that we have at any given moment.

You are where you are right now... And that's OK. Just relax, and accept what you feel...

BUT your personal growth depends on getting to a point where you recognize your OWN accountability.

This is your situation. You brought it on yourself. You won't get to a better place until you take responsibility and acknowledge to yourself that YOU got you where you are right now...

As far as genital herpes. The first month/couple months is the worst.. Its gets WAY WAY WAY easier physically and emotionally!!!

Hang in there... Again... accept what you feel. Don't beat yourself up for feeling what you feel, but DO try to move yourself to a realization that this is about YOU, not someone else. THAT will move your forward!



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Hang in there... Again... accept what you feel.

Yup Nik's right, Lindsay.

Accept your feeling, then accept all that happened. That'll give you peace of mind, then just naturally you can forgive him, and forgive yourself.....

Besides, neither of you knew about herpes well. Not many people know about it, either.

Nothing is your fault. Nor his.... You guys didn't do anything wrong. <smile>

Best wishes.


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Guest Anonymous

I feel you...

:( Hi, I'm kind of in your exact situation right now...Just 2 weeks before, we did exactly the same thing as you guys...I never even knew what a coldsore was untill now...I don't recall having it before in my entire life...by the way, I'm 19 years old too...and I might have given it to my boyfriend whom I really care about as genital herpes...this really terrified me...but then I went to the health clinic and the doctors there were really helpful on this subject, I was informed that this comes out quite fast like within a week or two, but there's nothing wrong with either of us yet, so I'm still hoping that we got lucky this time...right now, I would really like everyone to know about this disease and how easily it could be transmitted from person to person...there should definately have been more warnings about this...I understand exactly how you feel and I'm afraid that my boyfriend is mad at me also...but the reason why this happend is because of lack of knowledge, that's why everyone should be perfectly informed of all this kind of things definately...

by the way, I also wanted to ask you, how long after the oral sex did you have symptoms? would you please reply to my question? it would be of great help...

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Thank you for your reply. Iknow that we share the same difficulteis. My advice to you is to have your boy go and get checked out ASAP. A simple blood test will tell if he has contracted the virus or not. Please don't wait until the first outbreak.

To answer your question: I had an outbreak, probably, within a few days to a week after oral sex. Now I am dealing with genital herpes for life. But, every person is defferent. Who's to say that he has it or not. But, if he does, he could have an outbreak tomorrow or four months from now. That is why I suggest medical testing. There is no need to worry--you guys don't have the facts. Please write back, I will be here for you---Linz

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Guest Anonymous

scared more now...

Hi, thank you for your reply...I'm a little more scared now, today, after we had sex, I noticed 2 red dots on the tip of his penis, he said that they didn't hurt or itch or feel weird, it just felt like his normal skin...but since all these things that happened before, I'm just being really really cautious and really horrified about any abnormality around his genitals...what could this possibly be? he will go to a doctor tomorrow morning, but for now, I don't know how to feel...I'm so scared!

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    • WilsoInAus
      Welcome @Marlena correct you and your partner would benefit from the type specific version of the HSV test (meaning a separate result for HSV-1 and HSV-2). I had no idea the Euroimmun or equivalent actually had a combined version, it is pretty useless given the high incidence of HSV-1. Only one thing to add is that if you are getting frequent symptoms then you can obtain a swab and have this tested for HSV and other things as well.
    • WilsoInAus
      Yeah @FirstTimeUser there is nothing in the pic suggestive of genital herpes. It seems both you and your partner have HSV-1 orally and that's actually pretty cool. It means you won't pass it to each other's genitals owing to immunity. If the two of you are concerned about genital HSV-2 then mutually test for the IgG HSV-2 and HSV-1 antibodies.
    • CHT
      Hi "firstimeuser".... let's see what "WilsoinAus" thinks but, for what's it worth, I don't see anything in your picture (or description) that looks like herpes..... it actually looks more like a scrape or follicle issue.... maybe even a bug bite.  Also, by the way, the odds of having HSV2 with an outbreak on your testicles is very low.... that is not a typical spot for an HSV2 outbreak.    Have your doctor take a look and if you want some peace of mind, get an IgG antibody test for HSV2 in about 12 weeks (takes that long for antibodies to develop).... but, again, I don't think you have anything to worry about here.... just not seeing anything herpes-related here.    take care....best of luck.
    • CHT
      Hi Marlena..... since you stated you've had "herpes on the lips" then you likely have oral HSV1, which the majority of adults worldwide have... the fact your results for HSV1/2 are positive (at least I believe that's what your results show - I don't speak Polish but, I think I'm seeing your results are positive based on the attachment you included) may simply be reading the fact that you have HSV1.... the question is whether you've contracted HSV2 in your genital area. Your description of symptoms could possibly be related to HSV but, it's difficult to verify with certainty based on your description. You may also have contracted a different type of sexually transmitted infection (STI) or a simple fungal infection.   Your doctor does not believe what he/she is seeing is HSV but, unless your doctor has experience with HSV, they could easily misdiagnose your condition.  You need full STI testing. Do you have the option to travel to a larger city in Poland where you could get an appointment to be seen by a doctor with more experience with STIs?  You really need to have an experienced doctor take a look and run tests to check specifically for HSV2 as well as other STIs.  If they can rule out HSV2 or other STIs then hopefully they can then determine what is causing the redness, itching, and swollen condition.... again, it may not be HSV2 but, you need proper testing to verify.  Have you talked to your boyfriend about all this?  Has he had any symptoms on his genitals that are suspect?  Has he taken any tests to check for STIs?   I hope you can get more definitive testing so you know what you are dealing with and how best to treat it.  If you have any other questions/concerns, please come back and let us know.... I hope this helps a little.... best of luck.... take care.
    • CHT
      Hey Jeremy.... I know only too well that emotional pain you are feeling.... I really do.... and many of us on this site also know that pain.  It's not so much the physical side of having HSV that hurts, it's the stigma and risk of rejection that stings like hell!  You have to do what you think is right as it relates to when you disclose your HSV status when getting to know someone romantically.... I just think it's best to do it relatively early, and certainly before any sexual activity.   Have you looked into dating sites that cater to those with HSV?  I know others have had some luck with meeting partners on these sites.... you don't have to worry about the "disclosure" talk nor would you obviously have to worry about passing along a virus the other person already has.... take a few minutes and search around and see if it's an option you like. By the way, by taking your daily antiviral med and using a condom, your risk of passing along the virus is down around 1.9%.... pretty good odds that if you stick to your regimen you are very unlikely to transmit the virus....keep that in mind when you meet your next girlfriend and need to have "the talk."  That statistic might help calm any concerns about contracting the virus from you. I hope you don't give up.... as tough as it can be to find the right partner, it's still worth trying.... try to stay optimistic and look into some alternate options and see what happens.... all the best.... take care.
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