Some mistakes haunt forever!

[KeepingFaith]

My story is a pretty sad/shameful one, at least to me. I am/was married at the time that I was infected with the herpes virus, but it did not come from my husband (at least I don't think, but that's a whole other story). My marriage was on the rocks big time. I was dealing with alot of mental abuse from my husband towards me and my son too. We were on the virge of separation. Unfortunately I looked for comfort in other places. I could sit here all night and make excuses and blame my husband for pushing me to do it but that would not be right. I made the mistake, several times. As I look back at my actions, I really think that I had a mental breakdown because there's no was in hell that a sane person would do the things that I did. Some of it doesn't even seem real to me now, almost like it was some horrible, stupid, sick dream.

I had my first known outbreak in Sep, 2001 just after 9-11. I had just had a hysterectomy 2 months earlier and they think with the combination of the stress from 9-11 and being weak from the surgery may have led to the first outbreak. I also contracted genital/anal warts during this time. When I first found out what I had, I wanted to kill myself. I drove to my parents house and all the way there, I thought about running my car into a pole or something. I Felt alone and scared. I told my parents what was going on and how the doctor had just told me I had herpes. First thing they asked was if I had fooled around. I fessed up because I knew there was no way to hide it anymore. Much to my surprise, my mom had heard a story a few years earlier from someone that made her suspect that my husband may have been fooling around on me then. Some lady made a comment to a mutual source about her new boyfriend and how he was going to leave his wife and she planned to raise his kids. When the source asked for a name, the lady gave him my husband's name. That left me always wondering if I could have possibly contracted it from my husband or from my flings. Somehow that just doesn't seem important because it will not change my mistakes. I still screwed around too and I know it was wrong.

Now I live every day with a constant discomfort in my vaginal area. I hate sex. It actually hurts and I don't even know if that's normal for herpes. I'm always stinging and buring down there pretty regularly. This past year I have started having pain in my face which I think may be related somehow. I get ulcers in my mouth often. I have had 5 or 6 negative HIV test results so far. I don't know if I need to keep stressing over that or not. At least God has answered my prayers on that one so far. To top all of this off, I live every day worring about kissing (not on the lips of course) my kids at bedtime or before they get on the bus for school or even using the same bethroom as they do. I won't even let them drink after me. I don't think I could live with myself if I somehow passed it to one of my children. The only good thing that came out of this is the fact that I found out just how good a man that I am married to. He felt tremendous guilt for what happened to me and us. He has forgiven me with no questions asked. Sometimes I think that I did not deserve his forgivness.

Now afrer all of this I do have a few questions. Is it normal to always have vaginal discomfort and painful sex? Also, could the facial pain and sorness be related to the herpes?

[Faith]

Hi,

I have the vaginal discomfort pretty often, too, especially in the winter... I tend to get outbreaks very often... But if the pain is "always" there, it may not be related to herpes. Also the facial pain.

I would go see a doctor and tell him/her about it, and try to find out what it is..

And... I've never heard the case that someone got herpes from toilet seat or bathtub. You don't have to be worry about it so much. And..... about kissing your kids... well kids need your affection. If they grow up with not having affection from you, they're gonna end up having a huge hole inside of their heart, and it would be hard to cure...

At everything we do, we have some kind of risk. But we do it, because we need it in your life, because you feel it's worth the risk. Kissing and touching is love. It's affection. Even if you never get infected with herpes, life without those love and affection is just.. sad. Your kids deserve kiss from you. And if you are happy about your life including herpes, your kids will be happy even if they get herpes. Kids are watching you and learning from you, more than you think they are. <smile>

Best wishes..

Faith

[KeepingFaith]

Question

I have another question. I have been reading other people's posts about how long it takes to have the first outbreak. I was wondering about how long it usually takes because it was about 5 months after I ended things that I had my first outbreak. I guess I'm just really wanting to know if my husband gave it to me. I don't really know why that matters to me. It will not change the end result. It's been 2 1/2 years now and I haven't known of him to have any problems or symptoms. But I hate sex now so it's not like I have had much exposure to check and see if he's broke out. Is it normal to hate sex after being infected? Maybe a guilt thing? At least in my case.

[lovely79]

I had discomfort right after the sexual encounter. I thought I was allergic to condoms. It just felt like a yeast infection.

I don't call that my first real outbreak though. My first real outbreak was very painful and it happened 4 mos after the encounter.

I don't know about the sex question. I won't know that one for awhile. I want to love myself more than anyone could before I even decide to start dating again. Then I would love whomever I get into a relationship in turn making me love having sex again!

Best wishes,

Lovely

[Guest Anonymous]

Vaginal Discomfort

I felt the same kind of pain too. It made me even more shameful. I am a serious worry wart which is a no no if you have this (outbreaks come all the time). I have changed some of my eating habits, exercised more to help relieve some stress. I take vitamins to boost my immune system. However, when it comes to sex, my once enjoyable pleasure is pain.

I have been seeing a doctor constantly for about 5yrs. The usual remedy is bacterial infection, yeast infection which I always seem to be prone to nowadays.

Does anyone else have these symptoms? How have you dealt with them?

[123]

keeping faith,

i'm not married but when i met my first sexual boyfriend who i lost my virginity too, it was like we where married we where that close, then we had problems and he was emotionally abusive and i said i wanted a break, i had two flings and now i have herpes so i'm pretty much feeling the same things you are, the guilt of regreting those mistakes and not knowing if it was my first sexual boyfriend (as it was type 1) he forgave me too and i feel like although i wish i didn't have herpes, it's made me realise how careful you have to be about sex and how much it means to me to be loved not just lusted after!! if you want to write about it to me more my email is jazzaya_haze@hotmail.com but if not goodluck in the future, bye