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Questions about dating. She has it, I don't

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Guest Anonymous

I have never posted on an H board, but read them time to time. Let's go back a few years. The first part may help for people who ask about dating.

I have a girlfriend I have dated for 3 years. I was friends with for about 8 months. I had broken up with a long time ex of 3 years, and two months later we hooked up (no sex) We did this for about a month. I was ready for sex, but she seemed kind of distant. I was a little frustrated, but she was a friend, I really liked her, and I had only been single for about 2 months anyways. I was hanging out with her one day and she was really sad. I asked what was wrong, and after pressing she told me she had something really important she had to tell me. She had herpes and she was really sorry, and that I probably thought she was gross and she would blame me if I left. My response-I giggled and told her I thought she was going to tell me she had boyfriend back home or something (which actually was the truth LOL) I had concerns, but I figured I could do research on my own, and the last thing she needed to hear at the moment was that.

Fast foward 3 years. We live together, and have a great sex life. I was ignorant on the oral sex risks at first, but I know them now. regardless, we do everything regualar except I use condoms during intercourse. Which is what I am going to get to. I don't get cranky when she has an OB, like others have said, I think of it like a period. She travels for her job anyways for weekends or a few weeks at a time, so I used to periods without sex.

I am considering getting rid of the condoms. I have never been tested for herpes. I am going to get one soon. I always felt when we got married, I would give them up, but I don't know when that would be. I do have to admit, I miss sex without condoms from time to time, and have never experienced it with her. Besides, I can get it from oral sex, touching myself after touching her, .etc. The one thing that scares me is that I was considering bringing up the subject with her, and the next day she had an OB, which means if we tried it that night I could have gotten it right then. I honestly think if I did get it, she would be more crushed than I would. I read a lot of posts about people who have dated for 10 years and don't have it.

I don't really need advice on if I should give up condoms, that is something I have to figure out on my own. I just have some question about the disease. I can google search all day long, but I like personal responses. Plus, I still get confused sometimes.

1. I know the first OB is ususally pretty bad for most. Is it because people don't know what they have, or the nature of the disease? If I realize what it might be early, since I already know about the disease and know I am at risk, could the impact be lessened.

2. I still don't understand why they say most people don't know they have it. Is it because the never have an OB, or is their first OB so mild they think it is something else? I read someplace that most people have OB within a few weeks after they are exposed. If all these people have it and don't know it, does that means they shed, have outbreaks that are so mild they think it is something else, or are they just lucky?

3. People say they have a tingle or feel different a few days before. Can you feel shedding also, or is there no symptom for that?

4. Can the disease cause scarring. My girlfriend doesn't seem to have scars, but I scar kind of easily.

Thanks for the help in advance.

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Hi sporty,

1). People get the worst symptoms at initial outbreak, because they mostly were just exposed to the virus, and their body is not immune to the virus. After a while, your produces and developes antibodies, so your body is not shocked anymore.. Therefore, it doesn't matter if you have knowledge about it or not.

2). Both. Some people have no visible or perceptible symptom. And some have only very mild symptom, so they don't even realize it.

3). You can't know when it's shedding. When you get the prodrome (tingling etc.) and when you have outbreaks, mostlikely the virus is shedding. So you should definately avoid having sex around that period. But even when you have no symptom, the virus can shed. But if you avoid having sex during the prodrome and outbreak, the possibility of getting infected is very low.

4). It can scar. I have very sensitive skin, I get scar very easily, too. It heals eventually though... but it takes long time. When the blister become scab, don't force to peel it. If you do, it can scar easily. Just like pimples. Don't touch it. :-)


What a wonderful story. <smile> Thank you so much for sharing...

Keep up the great relationship. Definately, love is there......


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    • CHT
      Hi "firstimeuser".... let's see what "WilsoinAus" thinks but, for what's it worth, I don't see anything in your picture (or description) that looks like herpes..... it actually looks more like a scrape or follicle issue.... maybe even a bug bite.  Also, by the way, the odds of having HSV2 with an outbreak on your testicles is very low.... that is not a typical spot for an HSV2 outbreak.    Have your doctor take a look and if you want some peace of mind, get an IgG antibody test for HSV2 in about 12 weeks (takes that long for antibodies to develop).... but, again, I don't think you have anything to worry about here.... just not seeing anything herpes-related here.    take care....best of luck.
    • CHT
      Hi Marlena..... since you stated you've had "herpes on the lips" then you likely have oral HSV1, which the majority of adults worldwide have... the fact your results for HSV1/2 are positive (at least I believe that's what your results show - I don't speak Polish but, I think I'm seeing your results are positive based on the attachment you included) may simply be reading the fact that you have HSV1.... the question is whether you've contracted HSV2 in your genital area. Your description of symptoms could possibly be related to HSV but, it's difficult to verify with certainty based on your description. You may also have contracted a different type of sexually transmitted infection (STI) or a simple fungal infection.   Your doctor does not believe what he/she is seeing is HSV but, unless your doctor has experience with HSV, they could easily misdiagnose your condition.  You need full STI testing. Do you have the option to travel to a larger city in Poland where you could get an appointment to be seen by a doctor with more experience with STIs?  You really need to have an experienced doctor take a look and run tests to check specifically for HSV2 as well as other STIs.  If they can rule out HSV2 or other STIs then hopefully they can then determine what is causing the redness, itching, and swollen condition.... again, it may not be HSV2 but, you need proper testing to verify.  Have you talked to your boyfriend about all this?  Has he had any symptoms on his genitals that are suspect?  Has he taken any tests to check for STIs?   I hope you can get more definitive testing so you know what you are dealing with and how best to treat it.  If you have any other questions/concerns, please come back and let us know.... I hope this helps a little.... best of luck.... take care.
    • CHT
      Hey Jeremy.... I know only too well that emotional pain you are feeling.... I really do.... and many of us on this site also know that pain.  It's not so much the physical side of having HSV that hurts, it's the stigma and risk of rejection that stings like hell!  You have to do what you think is right as it relates to when you disclose your HSV status when getting to know someone romantically.... I just think it's best to do it relatively early, and certainly before any sexual activity.   Have you looked into dating sites that cater to those with HSV?  I know others have had some luck with meeting partners on these sites.... you don't have to worry about the "disclosure" talk nor would you obviously have to worry about passing along a virus the other person already has.... take a few minutes and search around and see if it's an option you like. By the way, by taking your daily antiviral med and using a condom, your risk of passing along the virus is down around 1.9%.... pretty good odds that if you stick to your regimen you are very unlikely to transmit the virus....keep that in mind when you meet your next girlfriend and need to have "the talk."  That statistic might help calm any concerns about contracting the virus from you. I hope you don't give up.... as tough as it can be to find the right partner, it's still worth trying.... try to stay optimistic and look into some alternate options and see what happens.... all the best.... take care.
    • FirstTimeUser
      @WilsoInAuswould appreciate your thoughts as have seen you comment quite a bit before!
    • Marlena
      Good morning. My name is Marlena and I come from Poland. Sorry, my English is average. For two years I have been in a relationship with a man, for a year and a half I have been struggling with intimate problems. On average, my intimate condition is getting worse every month. Then I feel itching, redness, swelling around the entrance to the vagina, small blisters (not always). Most often it is only red and swollen, itches and then disappears. This state lasts 3-4 days. I come from a small town, doctors don't know what it is. They say it's 'skin irritation'. They prescribe moisturizing creams with lactic acid, probiotics. It doesn't help. I did a blood test for HSV on my own, which is very expensive in Poland, but it does not separate HSV1 from HSV2. The doctor, when he shows these results, says that it's not herpes, but irritation. I would like to add that in the past I suffered from herpes on the lips, then it was a 'scab'. There has never been a scab in an intimate area. Sometimes there are blisters that last 1-2 days, but not always. So what do high blood test results mean? I would like to add that in Poland people do not talk about the HSV virus. It's just that sometimes someone has it on their lips and that's it. Results translation: IgM HSV 1/2: questionable IgG HSV 1/2: result above the measuring range https://files.fm/f/4cpu7uee4  
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