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Fear of rejection--When should I tell him??

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Guest Anonymous

I started dating this guy about two weeks ago. We talk everyday, hang out whenever possible, and are becoming very attached to each other. He knows I have a "personal problem" that I am currently dealing with, but he doesn't have a clue that it is genital herpes.

This is the first guy I have dated since I found out I have HSV (about a month ago). I want to tell him about it, but then again--I don't. Fear of rejection. I would never consider having sex with him, without telling him first. But I don't know how he is going to react. We work together, and that makes the situation really tricky. If I tell him and he is disgusted with me, then I still have to see his face at work-even worse, I don't want my co-workers to know. Ahh!

I feel like the longer I wait, the more time I am wasting. Wasting his time and mine. I'm not sure whether or not he will stay with me. I don't feel like I am ready to share it with him yet.

About a week ago I randomly asked him-"What's the one thing that grosses you out the most?" He paused for about 3 seconds then replied, "STD's." That was a shocker. It left me speechless, and then I just cried when I got off the phone with him. I'm feeling very clueless, and I need some help. When should I tell him? Should I wait til I'm ready? Because if I wait I feel like I am wasting his time. Please help!

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I feel like the longer I wait, the more time I am wasting. Wasting his time and mine. I'm not sure whether or not he will stay with me.

No relationship is a waste of time. Even relationships that don't go very far teach you things about yourself, and put you closer to becoming the person who you want to be.

I don't feel like I am ready to share it with him yet.

Then don't... As long as you don't put him at risk, he has no business knowing...

About a week ago I randomly asked him-"What's the one thing that grosses you out the most?" He paused for about 3 seconds then replied, "STD's." That was a shocker. It left me speechless, and then I just cried when I got off the phone with him.

Randomly eh??? :wink:

Well, maybe this is what you meant in the other thread where you said you were dealing with ignorance...

If I was you, I would have said after he said STD's are gross "you think STD's are gross?" And if he said yes again, I would have said "Do you think I'm gross?" (see where I'm getting at?)

I'm feeling very clueless, and I need some help. When should I tell him? Should I wait til I'm ready? Because if I wait I feel like I am wasting his time. Please help!

Wasting HIS time???? What about YOUR time? Maybe he's wasting YOUR time?

From what he said to you on the phone.. CLEARLY there are 2 possibilities...

Possibility 1: He REALLY thinks STD's are gross and nothing will change his mind... OBVIOUSLY a very ignorant thing to think, but if he thinks it... fine... Its not your job to change him, or whatever. If STD's to HIM are gross... The situation speaks for itself... You guys are not a good match. Break it off with him... Don't be angry, don't be mad, he has EVERY right to be stupid... If he questions you WHY... You have 2 choices.. either you tell him you have HSV and he already let you know STD's are gross, so why should you waste either of your time. the other option: IF he asks you why you are breaking up with him, and you fear telling him because you think he'd tell other people, then you don't have to tell him you have HSV tell him YOU DON'T TRUST HIM which is the HONEST truth!!!!!!!!! If he asks why you don't trust him, just tell him that from conversations you've had, you just don't get the feeling that you could trust him with personal parts of 'who you are'. And leave it at that.

Possibility 2: He said std's are gross, BUT he is a really good person deep inside, and just doesn't know anything about them and because he is a good person, he would respond favorably to being 'enlightened'. If you think he's REALLY a good person who by and large is not judgemental, and his comment about 'std's are gross was just his lack of knowledge' then you tell him you have HSV and tell him about it, and IF he is a good person, he would CERTAINLY not tell anyone else, and will probably stay with you.

Lastly... You could give it more time. Let him fall in love with you first. There is NOTHING wrong with letting someone get to know you before you bear all your secrets to him.

In a general sense... It seems to me your confidence is very low (and understandably) For every one of us, I'm SURE after we found out we had HSV our confidence takes a HUGE hit.

Going dating without confidence is like going skiing without skis... Its not IMpossible but its WAY harder and you fall on your face alot.

I'm not saying don't date... But I would say that you need to really focus on being more confident (again, this is not a cut, cause we ALL felt the hit to our confidence when we got HSV)

When you are more confident, you will be much more at ease dealing with these situations, and other peopls ignorance.

good luck!



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I am so afraid of exactly what you are talking about. I just found out I have this and the guy I have been dating told me the other day that he is terrified of disease and getting sick. He has been taking anti-anxiety meds to help with his abnormal paranoia. Great, I thought.

So far we have only kissed. I am keeping everything else at bay until I can figure out where this is going. Maybe you should too. Maybe you should try to get to know him better before you tell him. Mainly because you work with him and having this come out publicly could be devasting to you. I would just take things slow, really slow until you figure out if this might go somewhere. I have found that most guys appreciate that and find it a turn on. This new guy I have been dating certainly does.

If by taking it slow, you start to form a bond with him you will know. I think you will know when the time is right to tell him. You have to build a certain level of trust first. You probably don't know him well enough to judge that yet. Don't feel bad taking it slow. I slept around so much this last year because I felt like the guys I was with were expecting it. Sure they were, but did I form any meaningful relationships with any of them? NO! My experience is men always respect you more when you keep them at arms length. I have recently just come to this realization. You are not being a tease. You are just trying to figure out if he is worth sleeping with, right? There is nothing wrong with waiting. If they get bored with you because you aren't being sexual enough, then they weren't in it emotionally to begin with.

I feel for you, believe me, I do!

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I forgot to address the "he's grossed out by STDs" issue. I wouldn't put much thought into that. Everyone is ignorant about Herpes until they have a personal experience with it. That sentence just probably popped into his head and only means he is concerned with the issue, which is good for you really. Maybe he just wanted you to know that he was a cautious person, so you wouldn't worry about him. I am not trying to candy coat it. I just think you should wait to see if you really like him and tell him when you feel you can trust him. In fact, now you have an easy way into the issue, "Remember when you said STD's grossed you out, well...

A lot of people say stupid things at the beginning of relationships. I would take that one with a grain of salt.

Most people don't understand that Herpes is not that big of deal. It is very manageable. When people realize that, they are fine with it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

the guy probably said STD, cause he wants sex and that probably something that would gross him out... and given your complication with work... why not stay friends and when you guys are "close enough" then tell him... but i agree telling him and working with him, and only knowing him only for a couple of weeks... there could be complication...

thats what i think anyways..

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Guest Anonymous

when should you tell him?


I just found this web site a couple of days ago and already feel better just for knowing I am not alone with this thing. I had my first o/b 23 years ago, I had been married for 4 years and I didn't know what it was. My husband never had symptoms and I still don't know how I got it. We are now divorced, though not because of the virus.

My current boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. At the start of our relationship I found him in tears one day because he had a slight bruise on his penis where it had sort of bent a bit while we were making love. He was worried this was a STD. He had blood tests for any STD's and came back all clear.

At this point I thought I would die, it was years since I's had an outbreak, but suddenly I didn't feel too clever about not telling him. I had been selfish and I was sure that he would dump me as soon as I told him. He didn't, he was just so scared that he had given me an STD, since he'd had several partners and I hadn't. He wasn't worried that I would have given him something, he could take that. He was worried I would leave him if he had an STD. Now he knows and luckily for me, he told me we would face it together.

Three years on and I have had recurrent bouts since we met. Goodness knows why, I am now having an o/b, my third in four months. I have decided to try acyclovir for 6 months and see how I handle it. I just don't feel capable of facing this fear constantly, sometimes its an o/b and sometimes its my imagination. Thank goodness I told him or the stress would have finished me off!

Looking back, I think that getting involved with a new sexual partner makes us feel vulnerable. Everyone worries whether the person we are going to be intimate with may have AIDS. It's the biggie on everyones mind at that point. So I reckon that your new boyfriend may have thought your conversation was a subtle way of telling you that he is careful. He may think this will make you feel more secure.

You don't have to tell him if you decide you don't want to take this relationship to the next level. You are not wasting time, you are testing the water. You both are, maybe he will pass the test and maybe he won't. STD's are not the only reason relationships break up. Take it slow, if he isn't someone you can trust to keep your secret, he isn't someone you can trust to keep your heart.

I wonder if you could start a conversation where you mention your chat about what scares each of you. Tell him you read an article about a girl who was living with HSV about how she had suffered, her fears and concerns and the effect this may have on her life Explain that you felt compassion for this girl.

Keep testing the water until you see if he can deal with it. If you really think he can't , then you must walk away.

Don't think of it as a waste. He may never know it, but he will have met someone who respected and cared for him enough to be selfless. In this world that is quite rare and no waste, believe me.

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