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Is Herpes A "Blessing in Disguise"?


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I just found out that I have herpes and my head has been rolling ever since.

My biggest fear through all of this is getting involved with someone and having to tell them about having it. And after reading through many posts, this seems to be almost everyone's main fear.

My feelings about this disease have evolved drastically in one week mainly because of this wonderful site and all the information that can be found on the internet. My fears have been assuaged in a most beautiful way.

I have come to the realization that this disease will cause me to focus on intimacy and communication before I focus on sex, which is what I was doing before. This disease has made me a more mature person, emotionally. It has made me slow down and contemplate what is going on in my life instead of worrying that I am running out of time to get married (31 years old) and jumping into bed with every man I meet.

The most precious love I ever had was in high school. We waited 9 months to have sex and in that time we fell insanely in love. (We ended up dating off and on for 10 years - only true love I have ever known.) But that is beside the point. I now believe that waiting is a wonderful thing. It creates bonds. I believe that sex too soon may stop these bonds from forming early on. Herpes is going to demand that I contemplate and analyze a relationship before I jump into bed. I no longer think this is such a bad thing. I almost wonder if herpes isn't a blessing in disguise. Although terrified, part of me is excited to create a bond with someone that will be trusting enough for me to tell him about this. I think if someone has lovingly accepted me with this, then I am a very lucky woman.

People that jump to conclusions and freak out about this disease only do so because they are ignorant - don't blame them. I freaked out the day after I figured out what was going on. I was extremely ignorant. Educating myself has alleviated so much emotional distress.

Put yourself in their shoes: if you love someone or if you can see yourself loving someone, then this disease wouldn't get in the way, would it? I may have been leery at first if a potential boyfriend told me he had this. But if I cared enough to research it, I would. And then I would be okay with it. We would work through it.

I am definitely not omniscient and I know I don't have the answer to everything. But this seems simple. Try to form a bond first and take it from there. I think that most people are generally open and caring and they will surprise you.

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You're amazing!

Boy. You sure are a quick study! You and I are about the same age. I saw your first post and just read this one. I have had to do a lot of thinking about this subject the last month or so (while preparing to tell the guy I'm with) and have somewhat come to the conclusion that the people who have this and lead normal happy lives are those who have accepted it for just what it is, no more, no less. You seem to have come to that point. People who carry a burden of shame along with the virus project it, I believe. But there is nothing to be ashamed of. That's the reality of it. That's not to say that there aren't people who will flat out decline to get involved with someone with HSV regardless of their self-appraisal, and that's their right, for sure. Better they're honest than end up resentful. I know that 10 years ago, when the guy I was interested in told me, I didn't run. I asked him if it hurt, what it was like, said I was sorry that happened to him, asked what protection we could use, and dove in. So I know what that side is like, too.

It really is true for me what you wrote about being forced to focus on what's important ultimately. This virus has caused me to want to date lightly and really focus on character - mine and theirs. As a result I was available when I met what I believe to be the one. Never would have met him if I had been involved with just anybody, and I may have missed the value in him if I hadn't been looking through these new glasses : )

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you guys(girls) have such a way with words.It is so true,like someone else on here said H is like a "jerk filter"! or in my case a bitch filter,having to tell your partner you have H is a real good test to see how much he or she genuinely cares about you!

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Thank You

Thanks for the responses to my posts. I am sorry I didn't write back sooner.

The last few days have been my focusing on getting rid of the damn outbreak. Now that it's over, I am having a hard time again with the stigma part of it and knowing I might have to live with this for the rest of my life. I am sure that I will vacillate between despair and epiphanies until I settle somewhere that is somewhat comfortable for me. I just hope that someday someone will accept me with this.

Right now I am just trying to deal with the anger I have towards myself for being so stupid and the shame I feel. I am still happy that my outlook on relationships has been forced to change. I needed to change my thinking about dating for some time. Unfortunately, I had to get Herpes to get me there. That's just how things work sometimes, I guess.

This has probably been one of the worst weeks of my life. But the support I am getting from this site is helping a lot.

Thank you. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Anonymous

Same Here

I definitely feel like you weed out the jerks. I miss having sex like I used too. There was only one person I have been with that I didn't tell. We have been with each other a couple of times throughout the years. I know he has it because I have seen the telling signs (blisters on the penis). Yet, he has never confronted me about it. It's so much better when you tell them up front. The reason I never told him is that he is one of the jerks who I happened to have slept with early on before actually getting to know him. I wonder does he feel like he is keeping something from me by not telling me (the way I feel)?

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Anonymous

Tidwell, you have some very good insight. Herpes will flush out the jerks of the world and will probably bring you to some better quality men. I've had it for over 2 years and didn't have time to deal due to other issues in my life. But am finding now I'm dating again it will help me to scare off the jerks of the world. Hang in there.

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    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
    • JackThrowAway
      She tested positive for HSV2. No, there was nothing of that sort in that area.   However I also have ulcerative colitis so I’m on medication that makes me immunosuppressed. I have been bleeding a bit when I pass stools during the time of redness, so I’m unsure if I’m getting a flare from the colitis (from all the stress of everything) or if it’s due to the virus making it’s way to an already inflamed area and popping up as blisters that I can’t see and hence the bleeding.    I had two equivocal results (at 4 weeks and 6 weeks) that then went to a positive result (7 weeks after exposure). Combine that with some flu symptoms, redness, tingling etc. makes me feel it’s conclusive that this points to a hsv2 infection.
    • Anonimus
      Thanks!!!!! I appreciate your help.
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