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jeffff

who has an uninfected partner?

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jeffff

How long have you been with them?

What precautions do you take?

What do you avoid? (as much detail as you can handle please :D )

Any more general advice (short of the 'not during OB's' / always wear a jonny)

I just feel that this 'i've been with x number of people' / my partner for years without spreading the virus could be a pipe dream. What if you've got asymptomatic shedding on your thighs? I wish I'd never researched this now - the more I learn the more I see it as an impossibility to be with someone with herpes. Especially when I see all the pain it causes here. :confused:

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jeffff

I'd like to add that there is a very strong counter-arguement - someone I really really like. I don't mean to make people feel worse - I just don't think i'll ever really decide :D

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marriedwchildren

First of all have you yourself ever been tested for herpes? Before you start saying you would never be with someone with herpes might come back to kick ya in the behind. Most people will test about 70-80% of the population already has been exposed to HSV1(HERPES)(COLD SORES). So ther might be a good chance you already have herpes. As far as genital herpes lets just assume you have type 1 and your future g/f has genital type 1 then it is very rare you would get it genitally. So sex between the two of you would not change since you would already have the antibody to that strain. Now lets assume you are negative for both 1 and 2 and your future g/f has 2 then yes the chance is greater she could pass it to you, the chance would decline if she was put on a suppressive therapy daily to stop shedding and outbreaks(not a cure). I would suggest that if your attitude is so negative towards someone with herpes then i would put a plastic bubble around your body or go into a religious sect. because the stats are 1 in 5 people have herpes. I really do not mean to sound cruel honestly, I just feel that you will be limiting yourself in finding the right person for you. Take care.

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marriedwchildren

Angel,

You might be right on those statistics, 1 in 5 is U.S. figures. I am not up to date on figures in other countries. Tell me what are the stats in Europe do you know? I am curious whether it is as prevelant there as it is here? I also wonder can you tell me why it is such a stigmatized disease here but in Europe they take it in stride. maybe because we are all sticks in the mud on sexual issues. Take care

Jeffff,

Angel is right you do have the right to chose who you want to be with and have the right to walk away from any situation you may not be comfortable with.

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chay5

Jeff, they say that we attract what we fear most.

I had very few sexual partners and none of them had any herpes symptoms, I know because these were long term relationships and if there was anything, I would have known.

I even insisted one of the guys gets tested for HIV, and he did and was negative.

Still, I caught something. I didn't say yes to it - but it came to me anyway.

Whether you want it or not, every time you have sex with someone, you expose yourself to herpes (and other STDs). Most people have no symptoms so they don't know the might be shedding the virus. Even if they get a blood test, they often get a false negative. Even if you use a condom all the time, still you will be at risk. Maybe you already have the virus in your body, since 1 in 4 women carries it, it's quite possible.

I do understand how you feel, though. Usually, the guys were pursuing me (good old times :)) and they had to try really hard to get me to say yes - I wonder would a guy with herpes pursue a woman so persistently? Would I say yes to a man with herpes? I don't know. Thinking about all this now and taking into consideration that those relationships didn't work out, I think I would have said no. But it depends on your situation as well. Are you physically strong or always sick like me? If somebody's immunity is low and their health is fragile, they would be reasonable to expect harsher outbreaks and not be willing to take a risk.

In the end, it is all about love. And love, like somebody else said on this forum, is not a transitory feeling, but the way we act towards each other. Theoretically, nobody wants to have STD. Neither do those people who have it. But when the right person comes along, you will know it and you will take her in your arms, with herpes or without herpes .

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jeffff
First of all have you yourself ever been tested for herpes? Before you start saying you would never be with someone with herpes might come back to kick ya in the behind. Most people will test about 70-80% of the population already has been exposed to HSV1(HERPES)(COLD SORES). So ther might be a good chance you already have herpes.

whoa whoa whoa! Where did that come from? I'm aware I could have it without knowing, and I certainly never said I would never be with someone with it!! I think you misunderstand why Im asking. I like someone enough to take the risk (i think) - so I'm just trying to understand what that risk is. It certainly wasn't an 'I don't have it but you do' post! And I was supposed to get tested this morning, but overslept :rolleyes:

As far as genital herpes lets just assume you have type 1 and your future g/f has genital type 1 then it is very rare you would get it genitally. So sex between the two of you would not change since you would already have the antibody to that strain. Now lets assume you are negative for both 1 and 2 and your future g/f has 2 then yes the chance is greater she could pass it to you, the chance would decline if she was put on a suppressive therapy daily to stop shedding and outbreaks(not a cure). I would suggest that if your attitude is so negative towards someone with herpes then i would put a plastic bubble around your body or go into a religious sect. because the stats are 1 in 5 people have herpes. I really do not mean to sound cruel honestly, I just feel that you will be limiting yourself in finding the right person for you. Take care.

ITS NOT!! Im sorry, but if I'm going into a relationship with someone that has this is it not wise to try to find out what the chances are of me catching it? Later on in the relationship maybe it won't matter, but look at Chay5's comments about a man with herpes. I'm sorry, but I don't want to be left heartbroken and with herpes after say a month. I don't think this is a bad attitude, and I don't know why you seem to think I have one. Surely me being on this site and asking questions says at least something.

You do bring up a good point about HSV 1. I hope that I had a cold sore when I was younger then (and she has it genitally, not hsv 2). On that note - surely the best vaccine for genital hsv2, oral hsv2 for all :D? (joking by the way....)

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jeffff

Chay5 - :D I know

but its not really about me now, more her. If shes not really interested, then I'm not taking any risk.

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chay5

Jeffff,

but of course, I understand - the other party also has to be 100% in :), it's not all about you :D.

My post was more in response to this general comment you made:

I wish I'd never researched this now - the more I learn the more I see it as an impossibility to be with someone with herpes. Especially when I see all the pain it causes here

I saw it as not addressing your particular situation...

Either way, we're just talking here (a lot) ....

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ginnyp

Chances of contracting herpes

The more you read, sometimes, the more fearful you get. What happens to one person may not happen to you. There are lots of positive/negative couples out there! Many have unprotected sex when there are no symptoms of an ob, and many do not catch herpes. Many married couples practice regular sexual practices and are just careful if an ob symptom starts up. If someone has HSV2 and they are not having ob symptoms and are taking suppressive drugs, it reduces your risk of contracting the virus greatly. And shedding occurs about 5% or is it 5 days? when there is no ob, per year. So if you use protection and add even more to reducing your risk, it is not likely that you will contract the virus. The possibility is always there, but that is a risk some people take. But it is a low risk if you are wise and are careful. The first year the most shedding occurs, after that the amount of shedding is reduced. Yes, some people get obs on their thigh area or buttucks, but most people tend to get their obs in the same places as previous ones. Maybe you could ask your gf where she gets her obs, and that might help your mind relax some? If they always occur on her labia, for example, I don't think you have to worry about her thighs. Also, if she has HSV1, even less chance of shedding!

OK, my experience thus far.

I have been dating my bf for over 5 months.

He has never had any symptoms. I was diagnosed AFTER he and I were together. We do not know yet if he infected me or if I already had it. We are waiting on his test results. He was married for a long time before we got together and he wasn't with anyone for 3 years until me. Until we get his test results we are acting of course as if he doesn't have it.

At first, he was very scared. He did not have a lot of knowledge of herpes, only a negative story from one of his friends who has it. He still wanted to be my boyfriend though. He stuck around, and we didn't have sex for 3 months. We got to know each other. He now says he loves me. He is still scared to get herpes, but he has asked questions and has read some stuff on it, and every day he seems less and less afraid. Same with me. Every day I am less afraid. It takes time to process all the information and really get an understanding of what herpes means to us. For many people herpes just becomes a nuisance they only have to deal with once in a while, some just once a year, some never again! My bf and I now have sex if I am feeling good. I am new to herpes, and it is affecting me more than others, in that I have a lot of tingling sensations, but never get obs. So we're not completely sure when we can and when we can't. We use condoms and lube, and make sure we wash up afterward. If he touches me, even if I'm not feeling symptoms, he washes his hands. The oral sex is the touchy subject. He wants to. I want it! We are probably going to be doing that too, but it is something I've been scared of. He has actually done a little, but not too much, and only on days that I feel great. We have definitely talked about what we want in the future, and we both want to have a family.

So I can't think of anything else that we do to take precautions. Condoms, my suppressive drug therapy, my herbal therapy, washing, and avoiding when symptoms are present. If he is negative, he has not gotten anything since we've been having sex. And many people go years with their partners and never get infected. But there is always the chance. I hope, if you really like this girl, give it some time. Spend time together, and learn all you can about herpes. If you grow more into this girl, I think you'll find that you get less and less scared of the herpes. Remember, 1 in 5 people have it genitally, 1 in 4 women, so there are lots of people out there who have it and you don't ever know it! At least you know she has it so you can be more careful than you might otherwise be. You can think of that as a plus. :)

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suntiger3

I have been with my husband 10 yrs and he doesn't have it, as far as I know (he's never had a blood test). But I got it the year before I met him.

We don't take any precautions, the first year, condoms, but after that, pill or withdrawal (for pregnancy) now he has a vasectomy.

We don't avoid anything. We used to have sex every day, several times a day, lots of oral all around. We have never tried anal.

Obviously if I feel I have an outbreak we don't have sex until he and I feel it's over. But I've only had four outbreaks total in my 12 yrs so I guess I'm not a typical person with HSV.

Bizarrely, my husband can't even remember me telling him I had HSV, I can't remember either, I did at some point but he took it well obviously. Before I met him, I was dating and sleeping with several guys and when I gave them the news none of them ran, all of them wanted to continue having sex which blew my mind. Reading the stories here, I've been lucky all around I guess.

How long have you been with them?

What precautions do you take?

What do you avoid? (as much detail as you can handle please :D )

Any more general advice (short of the 'not during OB's' / always wear a jonny)

I just feel that this 'i've been with x number of people' / my partner for years without spreading the virus could be a pipe dream. What if you've got asymptomatic shedding on your thighs? I wish I'd never researched this now - the more I learn the more I see it as an impossibility to be with someone with herpes. Especially when I see all the pain it causes here. :confused:

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ouch

Jeffffffff (hahaha, had to add the extra ffff'sss) ;-)

I have hsv2. My man doesn't. We have been together for 5 years and he STILL doesn't have it, as far as we can tell. (last bloodwork confirmed a negative.) For the most part we use condoms. I love condoms. I have stock in condoms. I think condoms are the best damn thing since sliced bread! They are nice and neat and clean!

;-)

BUT...seeing as we have a child together...we don't ALWAYS using condoms. Sometimes, he just wants to do without....he knows the chances he takes when he doesn't. BUT, he doesn't care (I mean, he CARES, but in the grand scheme of things..not really!) We use condoms as a means of birthcontrol...(I am VERY fertile...ugh!) and as added protection against him contracting herpes. We clean up carefully after sex, which can be a pain at times when you are sleepy tired, but worth it in the long run.

Bottom line is: there is no foolproof method that can guarantee your utter safety from contracting hsv. Not even taking Valtrex or other suppressives. They are suppose to help, but whatever. I do NOT take that shit,and do fine without it. HE doesn't expect me to take it, as he has seen the side effects it has on me, and would much rather have a Happy Ouch than a sick and miserable Ouch.

But then, I got the last of the good guys...a GREAT guy, so....what can I say ...? He is a MENSCH! ;-)

He decided long ago that he loved me and herpes be damned and we would deal with it and we HAVE. So far so good. I also can pretty much sense when I might be close to having an outbreak (certain tell tale signs) and I try to "listen " to my body and if I feel like one might be coming on, then we find other fun things to do rather than sexual intercourse.

Honestly, herpes is not what puts a damper on our sex life....HAVING KIDS DOES!

hahahaha!

Ultimately, it is your decision. Herpes is no walk in the park. But if this girl turns out to be a keeper, and you feel she is worth the risk, than great. But if you ARE afraid, or unsure of your status in the relationship with HER, just remain friends. YOu are not a bad person for being afraid of the virus. Shit, anyONE of us on this messageboard here would think twice (and probably RUN) if we were negative and told by a potential partner that they had it. Does that make US bad too? No...only human. If I could turn back the clock and dump the DOCTOR who gave this to me BEFORE he gave it to me, believe me I would. (he forgot to tell me THAT little secret.)

Which brings me to the next thing, it took alot of courage for this lass to be honest and tell you her status. NO matter what happens (or doesn't happen) between you two, at least be respectful of her honesty and never throw it in her face. That would then make YOU to be a cad. And I don't sense that you are.

And I commend you for trying to learn and look things up too. We need more non-h infected folks in the world to be educated !!

Cheers!

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jeffff

cheers for all the replies

thats kind of what I wanted to see. naturally there is a lot of fear and upset on this forum. Just wanted to see something more positive :)

oh and ouch - i would never throw it back in her face. i like her honesty.

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alwall0828

Okay here is my story. I was married for 4 year when I found out I had this. We never used protection and he does not have it.

I am now with a guy for a year, he has cold sores but not genitally. We do not use protection and he does not have it down there.

As always we abstain during any inkling of an ob. He goes down on me and I go down on him. When I am having an outbreak I just make sure I go down on him and keep myself covered and keep him away from things.

Other than that this is the healthiest sex life I have ever had.

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chevyMisty

I got my herpes from my husband on our wedding night. He has it oraly I have it genitally. So far he hasn't contracted it genitally but it's only been like five months. I'm gonna say the same thing everyone else does. as soon as there seems to be an out break coming on we don't do anything and once I am sure it's gone we start again. There is no protection at all when there is no sign of an OB either. But then I have also heard if you have one form it's harder (not impossible but harder) to get another kind especially if you are careful.

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Danielle

Well I have had herpes for 4 1/2 years now. I used to have frequent outbreaks, that tapered off after the first couple years. Now they are quite rare. I have dated a few guys that didn't have it....we used condoms and I am taking 500mg Valtrex daily. I had never passed it on to any of them.

Now, I have been in a relationship with someone who doesn't have it, for about 5 months. He is fine with the herpes deal. And up until recently we had been using condoms along with my Valtrex. He doesn't have any visual symptoms of the disease. A week and a half ago he decided he didn't want to continue with condom use. We talked about stuff and it came down to this: I will continue my Valtrex religiously, and inform him if there is any prodromal symptoms. He also washes with soap and water afterwards. I told him that my concern was that he could be resentful if it did get passed on. He said he wouldn't be, he understands the risks and is willing to accept them because he wants to continue the relationship. We have a normal sex life and don't restrict anything because of herpes.

In my opinion, it is all about trusting who you are with, and defining your acceptable level of risk, if you are willing to accept the probability of getting it, then you are fine. Having herpes, though inconvenient, and has a stupid stigma.....is really not a huge issue in the whole scheme of things. Especially if you find the person who is right for you.

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ginnyp

Update: I am now in a relationship with an uninfected partner. His results came back negative. We have been having sex and his is still good to go! Also, before I went to the doc about what I thought was a tear but turned out to be herpes, he and I had unprotected sex at least twice while I was hurting. So I know I was having my ob during our unprotected sex, and that was 4 months ago, and he recently tested negative!

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ginnyp

Update: I now have an uninfected partner. His results came back negative! We have been having sex and he is still good to go! Before my diagnosis, when I thought I had just a tear, we had unprotected sex at least twice during that initial ob, before I found out it was herpes. That was 4 months ago and he just recently tested negative!

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Lifeislife

I got some info. I got involved with a non infected partner a year after I was diagnosed. We were very open about precautions and much of it could have just been peace of mind (though reading up here, it was probably more of a good idea all together)

We kept a can of the hospital hand sanitizer foam by the beside. After he had been "handling" me, he grabbed a handful of it, rubbed his hands and without barely missing a beat, moved on. This was a precaution in case he absent mindedly touched himself somewhere susceptible. We were very comfortable with each other from the beginning, so it did not make anything awkward.

I have HSV type 1 genital. He decided to perform oral without protection. It was entirely his wishes. I'm not really big on receiving, so it was more about something he enjoyed and did not want to sacrifice.

We used condoms for sex, every time. We were together for a year and he walked away clean.

Because I use condoms always (except that one guy! Fate is a bitch sometimes), so the only thing that was different for us is the hand sanitizer bit.

I agree with one thing being said and have repeated it often. 1 in 5, believed to be 1 in 4 for women, are carrying genital HSV. If you walk away from this one, chances are you will encounter it with that one. You never know if the person you meet down the road will disclose it to you that you would take the extra precautions.

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