Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group
Sign in to follow this  
Ithrin

Ever had sex with someone even though your infected?

Recommended Posts

Ithrin

Awhile back I had sex with someone I knew pretty well, and I didnt tell them I had Herpes. We used a condom and no oral was performed but I gotta say, damn I felt like the worse person in the world afterwards. Yes this is my confession and you may think of me as you want but after doing it ive realized I'm an asshole for it and honestly its something I may not be able to fully forgive myself for. I know that our identities are kept secret through this forum(or well most of it atleast) but I was wondering am I the only person to done this in this forum? Yes the reason I am asking is because im hoping im not the only one who has doen such a stupid thing(and for those of you who have done this yes it is stupid and you should feel bad also)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
just4kics11

I have not done this, but do you think you need to tell everyone you sleep with that you are infected?

even if you use a condom?

to be honest, i have slept with a lot of girls and obviously that will change, but im not sure if i should tell the casual encounter that i am infected if i am using protection.

opinions on that?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Needsupport

Well guys, hate to break the news. But it can still be spread even if you use a condom, by parts not covered by the condom. I think you need to take responsibility in this situation and tell whomever you sleep with. This completely changes your sex life, but thats how the cookie crumbles. It is not fair to the other people, you don't have the right to take a gamble with others health when you know full well what you have.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ithrin
it can still be spread even if you use a condom, by parts not covered by the condom.

Yeh so thats mainly why I feel bad

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Caliope

more often than not people are infected by a partner who either knows they have hsv and doesn't say a word or by a partner who doesn't know they have hsv because of a variety of reasons including that they are in denial and won't get the proper testing. this tells me that plenty of people are out there infecting unsuspecting partners.

casual sex and failing to disclose sti status puts both partners at risk. It is more about doing everything you can to protect yourself and if you fail to discuss your own health you can guarantee that your casual partner is not going to discuss theirs and there are much more serious illnesses out there than hsv. how seriously do you take your own health?

I'd ask myself how I feel about being infected and how I feel about the person who infected me and decide if your conscience can handle you being thought of that way. Then take a step back and consider how you'd feel if this happened to someone you love. What if someone infected your child this way.

Condoms are not 100% effective in preventing the transmission of herpes.

Condoms can help reduce transmission and so can using antiviral medications and abstaining from sex when you have an ob or think you are getting one. You can reduce the chances of transmission by getting your ob's under control with a healthy diet and lifestyle which boosts immune function.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Claudia
I have not done this, but do you think you need to tell everyone you sleep with that you are infected?

even if you use a condom?

to be honest, i have slept with a lot of girls and obviously that will change, but im not sure if i should tell the casual encounter that i am infected if i am using protection.

opinions on that?

I have oral, and I don't kiss anyone without telling them so they can make a choice about putting themselves at risk. I would want to know if the situation were reversed.

Claudia

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ouch

The only person I didn't tell was my current boyfriend..( I have posted this before, but will do it again here.) We had sex, and I felt so guilty, because it was the "heat of the moment thing". Came here, confessed, got my metaphysical kick in the butt, and then told him.

He was totally cool with it. He understood. I was lucky he didn't go apeshit on me and frankly, had he, I would have understood.

Part of my problem was that I was in DENIAL of even having herpes. I use to NEVER EVER have an outbreak. I start to believe that I was one of the few who had a "false positive" on my test (especially since I had the bloodwork done at the same time, and naturally it showed negative for the antiobodies....which was my proof of who gave it to me...whole different story there). But after all I had read and KNOWIGN that many people do NOT show any symptoms at all, I was still in denial.

So ...got my slap on the ass here...told him, and he was completely amazing about it. It was such a relief to talk to somebody about it (although I had my best friend who knows too, but obviously this was different, to have your mate know is on a whole different level ) I continued to NOT have outbreaks (even he started to think that maybe I should get re-tested...check my bloodwork) until I was six months pregnant. Then I had the worst outbreak of my life and thought my nether regions were just going to fall off. It was horrible. SO...that was the final straw...no more "denial" from eitehr of us there! hahaha.

PRior to that, I had a "friend with benefits" situation. He knew, cuz he was THERE when I initially found out and was a great support. Months after finding out, he and I hooked up again and he was totally cool about my status. Used condoms and all that.

So I have only had to tell two people. But the lesson I learned from it all is this: it just pays to be honest. No matter what. No matter how embarrassing or hurtful or how much rejection you have to endure....it is EASIER than telling that lie or withholding the truth. It eats away at your peace of mind if you DO NOT DISCLOSE. Granted, I didn't disclose and told a couple of days later, and I got good results, but it could have been very different. Being in denial is no excuse for bad behavior. NOT DISCLOSING even to a casual partner or one night stand, is just as heinous. But, ultimately, it is up to each of you to make that decision. Just remember, it hurts more NOT to tell. So you don't get any casual nookie. Big whoop. Find a partner who is also HSV + who is ALSO looking for just casual hookups then go buck wild. No worries. They are out there....

To date, my fellow has not contracted herpes from me. (going on 5 years. ) Nature has worked wonders on his own immune system (and mine too) and we are very careful and cautious. I am the first to throw my arms up and say hey! I screwed up! Big time! I KNOW what it like to be infected by a lying dirtbag (a doctor no less!! who DID know he had it and has infected many others) There was no excuse for my bad decision. But, I rectified the problem quickly and I can honestly say, I would never ever do it again. (plus, I don't plan on "leaving" my old man any time soon....he is one of the last of the good ones!!!) ;-)

SO...just some food for thought folks....forget how fucked up it is NOT telling the person you are with (which is bad enough)....think how fucked up your own soul feels by NOT telling.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
rumstack

i spoke to a woman from the herpes suppost line in the uk who summed it up pretty well to me, although i dont know want to live by this philosophy myself for the rest of my days, but she said that "until people who have facial coldsores feel socially or ethically obliged to inform kissing partners that they have facial herpes, whether HSV1 or 2, why should people with gential herpes"?

I kind of agree with this and it made me feel better about my lack of disclosure to my current girlfriend. It is an incredibly difficult thing to talk about, but it is mostly the stigma of society that makes us believe it is a horrible, vile, putrid thing. It is not.

I too, suffer very rarely from outbreaks (the last being 3 years ago) and as a result "forgot" i had this virus. I had unprotected sex with my new girlfriend on multiple occasions without the herpes even crossing my mind. Now i have had an outbreak, have told her, and am waiting and wondering whether she still wants to be with me.

I think i have learned, whether she still wants to be with me or not, that it deson't matter what knowledge and comfort and understanding you have with the virus, when you first find out you are GUTTED. We all are. It is only time that allows you to realise it is an unfairly amplified minor medical condition.

I dont want to lose my girlfriend but if she leaves i will understand. It will hurt me more to lose her at this stage of the relationship than if i had told her upfront and she had left then. Then, i could never have known what could have been. But now i am faced with the prospect of losing someone i care for deeply.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ruinedbymistake

Yes, you need to disclose it, always. Let the other person make the choice.

"until people who have facial coldsores feel socially or ethically obliged to inform kissing partners that they have facial herpes, whether HSV1 or 2, why should people with gential herpes"?

Answer: The effect on that person's future children or future wife's children. That line from the counselor is a big cop-out "if they can do it so can i" type crap. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lifeislife

I could rant forever...

Before I go on my rant...

We used a condom and no oral was performed but I gotta say, damn I felt like the worse person in the world afterwards.

Blessed are those with a conscience. I at least commend you that you took the effort to protect those you slept with the best you could. It lessens the risk, but certainly does not eliminate it. Not until they make rubber, formfitting underpants. At that point, a girl might suspect something ;)

People make mistakes. Some lack the courage to face what has been put before them. You had to try it once to know where you stood in your own values. I don't agree and I feel you could have simply considered the possible outcomes of what you were doing strongly and gotten the same answer, but what is done is done.

As for this...this enrages me.

i spoke to a woman from the herpes suppost line in the uk who summed it up pretty well to me, although i dont know want to live by this philosophy myself for the rest of my days, but she said that "until people who have facial coldsores feel socially or ethically obliged to inform kissing partners that they have facial herpes, whether HSV1 or 2, why should people with gential herpes"?

And this folks, is part of the problem and why I now have herpes. Might I add, that I also have other health problems that compromise my immune system due to non-restorative sleep.

So, on top of having to be in pain every moment of every day, having to tell a potential partner that I have a chronic illness, I now have to tell them I have herpes and that my body will always have to fight to struggle against it, unless I take meds every day. When we attempt to have children, I could be in trouble, because not being able to be on the suppressive therapy will likely mean constant outbreak. I have had two miscarriages in my past and I have always wanted children...now I face pretty hefty obstacles.

Why? Because my x decided not to disclose and because my immune system is as it is, I did not stand a fighting chance against the exposure.

Might I add, that my previous health problems actualy amplify the back ache and other symptoms that come with herpes. As if I were not suffering enough.

This is the all time worst advice I have ever heard given to someone from a support line or anywhere give. There are so many things wrong with it, I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with...genital herpes can complicate birth and actually kill infants. How about genital herpes outbreak can cause you to be catheterized and have to pee in a bag for a week, causing you to miss work and every other misery that goes with it (thanks, oh x boyfriend of mine). Don't see alot of the last one there with facial herpes, I'm betting.

The fact that genital herpes are viewed as so much worse than oral is exactly WHY people need to disclose and give their partner the choice on whether they want to risk becoming part of this stigma. Fact is, people should be disclosing on BOTH.

I used to have casual sex now and again. I did not sleep around, by any stretch, but when I was not in a committed relationship, I usually had a friend with "benefits". Once I was diagnosed with this, that mostly went away. I did sleep with someone casually after, but I informed him about it before anything progressed. He figured he would encounter it on the scene anyhow and we took the necessary precautions. Afterwards, I felt like I shouldn't risk someone that couldn't in turn lean on me afterwards for support. I won't be doing it again.

If you are really hooked on the self centered point of view, then I offer you this; if you really cannot transition into having only strong foundation relationships, Which will be worse, telling someone you have nothing emotionally invested in and having them duck out or having someone you sleep with casually catch it and smear your name through the mud because you did not tell them? At least if you tell them and they opt out, the chances they are going to slander you are much less for the fact that you told them. Women respect that sort of thing. Honesty. Decency. Try it out.

It's not even fair that someone can go around, not disclose, possibly infect people, then not have to deal with the fallout. Go on your merry way. Like that operator's advice, my x has infected more than four women that I know of and that was only in a year. That's four women who are now marked for life, that could have been given a choice. Four women who will face worry when they have children. Four women who will feel dirty and like no one will ever want them again, four women who have to face the embarrassment of having to tell their partners, four women who trusted him enough to be itnimate only to be betrayed, four women who will shed countless tears, just so he could get his rocks off. How could anyone think that's okay? One of those women struck back and turned his entire world upside down. Every person he works with knows what he has done. The profile that got put up about him online had close to ten thousand hits. That man almost ended up in court.

What are you willing to risk in order to save your pride and at the cost of risking others?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
chay5
"until people who have facial coldsores feel socially or ethically obliged to inform kissing partners that they have facial herpes, whether HSV1 or 2, why should people with gential herpes"?

Whether we like it or not, this is the prevailing attitude towards herpes in Europe and on other continents.

Even doctors in the US do not ususally make a big deal about it, as we all know, and do not tell patients to disclose their conditions to their partners. Doctors just offer us to treat symptoms. So only the people like us on this forum, who obsess about herpes, became so knowledgeable about it and know how to approach the subject and how important it is to have the talk.

Like I said many times before, until EVERYBODY will be tested for herpes and ALL INFECTED WITH HERPES will know about it - all our "talks" will do nothing much to stop spreading of herpes. From the point of view of statistics, whether someone who knows discloses it or not, it doesn't change much because the majority of herpes carriers don't know and don't tell and will continue to happily infect hundreds of thousands of people...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Soraya1

Putting it simply

I wish that the person who had given me GH had first given me the choice as to whether I risked catching it from him. I am not angry with him, nor was I angry 10 years ago when diagnosed. Just very very sad.

I tell each and every man I sleep with that I have this; I want then to have the choice that I didn't.

Yes, it's tough and I constantly think about how much easier forming a relationship would be if i didn't have this, but you can only play the cards you have been dealt, so you may as well play them well.

It's about acceptance, perspective and respect – for yourself and others.

Don't sweat it too much, but do the right thing by yourself and the person you love. It's never as bad out there as it is in our head!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
shy_girl

I've had it for a long time now and once, I didn't tell a partner. That was when they used to say that you could only spread it to someone when you were having an outbreak. And since I rarely had them, I ignorantly thought it didn't matter as long as he used a condom. I was just uneducated. But once I learned that it may be possible to spread it even when you aren't having an outbreak, I felt terrible and vowed to never hide it from someone I may potentially sleep with. I'm not casting stones, it's a hard thing to live with and it's unfairly stigmatized. I think if people were more educated about it and it wasn't the "go to" STD joke, people wouldn't feel they had to hide it. The fact that you feel so terribly shows you are not a bad person, forgive yourself and move on. But don't justify in your mind what you did, know that it was wrong and make sure not to let if happen again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
marriedwchildren

These post just reaffirms my attitude that I had on another post and got my Free so called psycho analysis. Which I might add was just a bunch of BS.

But most people are so afraid about the rejection and stigma that they would rather get their own personal satisfaction than to worry about another one's health. Yes, we all make mistakes in our lives and no one is perfect but to just say oops I forgot to tell you I have an incurable disease and now you might have it is just unforgivable and immoral. And now you wonder why this society is on a down spiral.

I am not in any way faultless with things I did in my life, BUT I NEVER put what i wanted before what i knew was right. That is the one thing my parents taught me and that is what i teach my boy's. I would hope they will live by my teachings and teach their own children the same.

take care all and have a nice day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BallaShawty23

I can relate, I slept with someone one time after I was infected but we used protection...to be brutally honest I also felt like an "A" hole because all I could think of is how i'd feel if the tables were turned. I also am so scared of catching a worse disease it's ridiculous. So, I have made a promise to GOD that I would never sleep with any one else until he sees fit to give me a husband...i'm just extremely cautious now...the 1st mistake was shame on him..next one is shame on me...can't let that happen. I'd suggest u just do what's in ur heart and next time just tell the girl..if she can't except it, move on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
marriedwchildren

I find myself asking one question:

Why are so many people afraid to admit that oral herpes is a form of an STD? Then maybe the stigma of cold sores being the "good herpes and genital herpes being the "bad herpes would make people think twice about putting a label on people, herpes simplex is herpes simplex should make no difference where it is located. I have genital cold sores(herpes) because I have type 1 down under. I was exposed from my husband you did not have a cold sore at the time i was infected. BUT it did happen. I have had it now for 5 1/2 months and have not had another outbreak. and was told by my doc I may not have another. Does that make my herpes any less severe than type 2? NO!! I have herpes and that will not change for me. Just because someone has oral herpes does not mean you cannot transmit it sexually. That is why it is so crucial for people with oral herpes to be honest when giving anyone oral sex it is just as much their responsibility to disclose their condition as it would be for me to disclose mine before any intimacy is involved oral or intercourse. I do not believe people need to tell when just giving someone a quick smooch, but I do believe it should be disclosed when there is more saliva and tongue action going on. I wish all of you a good day. Take care.:D:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
marriedwchildren

Angel,

For starters what makes you think my post was referring to you? :confused: And if it was what do you always have to come across like your ready to crucify someone because their thoughts are not the same as yours. I do not think you a moron. Those are your words. If you read further you would see I agreed with you about casual kissing. So whats the big issue here?

And you stated that hsv1 is still harder to transmit, if I am accurate. Tell that to my cooch which is now infected with type 1. :sad: and the dramatic rise of genital hsv1 infections as of late. Take care and do not take everything so personal I am not here to attack anyone as you should not be either.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
marriedwchildren

Angel,

I received a PM from a member regarding this issue of oral herpes as not being a sexually transmitted disease and that I should not even be on this forum because i have ghsv1. I told the member not to hide behind the PM and talk so that everyone can respond to their statement. So I guess after reading your post closely you could assume I was talking to you, but honestly I was not. I am not here to make enemies just here to give and get support when needed. I know it is hard sometimes reading words on a screen they can be so easily misinterpreted. Take care have a good one.:p

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tothefuture

I received a PM from a member regarding this issue of oral herpes as not being a sexually transmitted disease and that I should not even be on this forum because i have ghsv1.

That's just stupid. I don't think he/she even deserved any kind of reply.

Actually it's funny in a way. Oral sex isn't really sex!!! That makes me laugh. It's called a 'Clinton' over here - but then I guess we pinched it from you lot - meaning our American friends.:lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
parrot

will it iressponsible in my book. rubbers do not protect. I living example of it. I was in a relationship with a man. boyfriend/girlfriend thing . we used rubbers 100 percent of the time and i still got the herpies

he never told me he had herpies.

whether it a casual fling or a relationship you owe it to tell the other person you have herpies.

linda

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
marriedwchildren

tothefuture,

lol How right you are.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stillme

All the Hububb

I'm new here & just wanted to come in & see what everyone was talking about nowadays..... I've had this for 25 years... and never given to anyone. Not my 1st husband or my present husband, or any of the guys in between... (alot of guys....I love sex) up until the mid 90's you were only considered contagious if you were having an outbreak or right before an outbreak or when you started to feel a tingle...abstain then, until they are cleared up, and you're good to go.

IMHO, each person is different, each body is different. I think I would have heard something if I had given it to the guy I was sleeping with for about 2 years in the mid 90's... who happened to be married...not to me...

My point is that from where I stand alot of the "hubub" is overkill. If you are taking Valtrex and you know your own body, you use condoms, you should be fine. From where I stand, and my experience... viral shedding???? Come on. A little too much medical mystery here. This has become another "scary thing" and many ignorant people will attempt to make those of us with H2 feel dirty and less than. We're still people and deserve all the same fun sex and otherwise, that everyone else has. Just be responsible, learn your body, take the daily meds and you won't spread it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

Advertisement

Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • The Hive is Thriving!

    • Total Topics
      68,602
    • Total Posts
      458,347
  • Posts

    • Hopingimwrong
      PesPes, there is no cure. You can treat symptoms and try to prevent outbreaks, but you will always have the virus and be able to pass it along. There is NO CURE at this point. 
    • viralfrog
      Based on the sheet below, it would be around 10% per year without condoms with no active outbreaks. With condoms, 5.2% and condoms and antiviral therapy combined around 1.5-2.5%  https://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf 
    • Kurdt01
      So is there anyone that has tried this for which Valtrex/Acyclovir/Famvir doesn't work and have constant symptoms and problems?   It's expensive but if like 1 pill a week would work it would be worth it.....Trying to figure out if this works for people that the current AV's don't...
    • Roja
      OMG she is great! Thank you!    Ps.: I am also a big fan of Ella  I found her last month and since then my life changed! I am finally not any more ashamed of having herpes and I am ready to talk about it with friends and family! YES! 
    • Celinaxox
      Hi just wanted to share someone I found on Youtube who I think gives really good and honest herpes advice. She is an STD life coach who has had genital herpes for 9 years: https://m.youtube.com/channel/UC8AkCfC9_bcCvI7-sixkLJg/videos   Also check out Ella Dawson if you haven't yet seen her videos or website. Cheers:)
×

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.