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coronaking

Never dating again?

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coronaking

Lucky for me,i guess, i already have a girlfriend.. we are young, in our 20's. You know what scares me though? I am a decent looking guy but with H, if me and her ever break up, i will never be able to date again. For me its the hardest thing to look at some girl and be like yah hi i have herpes wanna have sex? sorry but thats just not gonna cut it for me...... the city i live in is small enough as it is, its not tiny but people recognize each other. The last thing i need is to get denied and have some girl run around telling everyone what i got...... after all, some people are cruel... I guess im lucky i got it from my gf and not vice versa, but not lucky i have it... i am fortunate tho my girl is amazing and i dont plan on breaking up w/ her...

How hard is it for the rest of you guys?? did you ever break up w/ your significant other? and if you did, how hard is it to start "dating" again ?

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Soraya1

Hi Coronaking

Not sure if you will see this, so have pasted below –*my reply to your message in another thread.

I am worried that my post about a negative reaction will freak you –*please do not see this in isolation and let it freak you – let's have some context here. Since being diagnosed, I have had to have the "talk" with 5 men. Out of those 5, only one decided not to continue to see me or have a sexual relationship. (Listen to wise old me now! Compared to how upset I was earlier –*sheesh!)

I have had 4 "normal" relationships since diagnosis. Honestly is the most important thing here; the men I told respected my honesty, a couple even cried when I told them, as they thought I was so brave. When they told me that they wanted to have a relationship with me anyway, I knew I had made the right choice in dating them anyway, as they must have been fairly serious about me to take this on board. The other jerk? Well, he just missed out on a fine woman. Cos I am GH or no GH. :-)

Seriously –*it may feel a little bleak now, but you just need some time to get your head around this, you do. Read my other mail below. And take care of yourself, and your girl.

----------------------------------------

Dear Coronaking

It's not your fault you caught it. There is no fault or blame here with you, just bad luck. You were good, sweet and kind to stay with your girl despite this.

I was diagnosed at the age of 26 or 27, cannot really remember now –*and remember crying in the park, alone, thinking that was it –*no more relationships for me. Despite my bad experience this weekend, I can look back at that me in the park and laugh. Seriously, I have had four wonderful and <giggle> very sexual relationships since. And you know, look at it this way, anyway who accepts me with my limits because of this virus is definitely a good person, someone worth having a relationship with.

Sweets, you are sure I will find someone? Then right back at you Buster! I am no different from you.

Look, it aint easy sometimes having this, but it is not the end of your sex life, trust me. Also, and I am saying this gently, try to put some perspective on the picture. What you have is not life threatening...

It's early days for you; but you will adjust to this, trust me.

Take good care of yourself and your girl.

Soraya

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luca

Well my girl and I just broke up and I feel you on this situation. Im in college so if i tried to get with a girl here and I told her I have H and she rejected me then told everyone it would be embarassing as hell. When I'm ready to date I will just take things slow. Not jump in the sack to quickly to make sure I actually have a real connection with the girl and trust her enough that I know she wouldn't tell anyone. I dont plan on dating for a little bit cause I just got out of a relationship. But when I do start I will be very selective on who I tell. With the stat's these days i'll prob end up meetin someone with H already.

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Lifeislife

Most of us have refined our dating style because of the virus for those very reasons. We enter into relationships cautiously and take baby steps, scoping out the other persons personality to be sure they are kind and won't cause us hurt if they decide not to continue the relationship after learning about the virus.

Unless the person is a real shit pile, I doubt they would take you being open, honest and looking out for their health as something worthy to spew to the neighbors.

Now if you practice risky behavior with them, THEN tell them, yeah..that is cause enough.

I don't sweat too much if people know. Sticks and stones, yada yada. I don't treat it like a secret, so it kind of loses its fuel if someone decided to spread the word I have it.

"I heard you have herpes" "Yep, shit happens"

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gotitsowhat

A kindred spirit!

Hey, Lifeislife, this is the first time I have ever seen anyone else here take the approach I have taken. After years of secrecy, I have come all the way out of the closet about my herpes. I told a couple of friends and actually requested that they tell anyone they felt like telling about it. I WANT people in my crowd to know I have it. This level of disclosure has caused me to discover how many people in my old crowd have this miserable virus. And I have received a lot of emotional support. Furthermore, the more people who know about it among my own group, the less likely that I will have to have "the talk" with someone I meet and date. As I see it, these things tend to get out anyhow. Sure, I know some people will look down on me and make nasty remarks about it--but jerks like that are usually cowards who will never dare to say it to your face so I don't have to listen to them. And those jerks will never want to date me, either--and that's a GOOD thing!

Of course, I do realize that I am an aging hippy and that means that the people I have known for years have certain attitudes: They know about herpes, are far from ignorant about it, and do not look down on people who have active love lives, the ideal of every 60s person, I assure you. I have lived with the shame too long. Now I am walking in the sunshine and am prepared to ignore those who are so pathetic they need to grab on to a stupid social stigma in order to feel superior. With any luck, they will ignore me, too.

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Caliope

coronaking - I was you not too long ago. I thought my relationship would last and I was confident that my guy truly loved me and out of the blue it ended.

I now have to face the future with hsv and don't know what I will do about dating other people. It is hard to consider.

I hope that your relationship stays strong and that you two stay happy but if it doesn't for some reason I want to remind you that each life is precious and important and each and every person needs love and affection. Hsv is a virus and it is not so huge that it should keep people from being able to find someone to love.

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ladybadluck

I feel yah

My ex was abusive, and it took me a while after I found out he gave me herpes (he cheated) to get myself out of that mess, and i felt like everyone else does, oh im broken, oh no one will want me, etc etc. It is true you will get rejected but not by everyone. I have had herpes for a year, ive had sex with plenty of people, they all did not have it, I have had a couple of boyfriends as well. The hardest part is telling people. It pisses me off that herpes has such a rotten social stigma so i kind of have a both middle fingers up cuz i dont give a "f-u-----" attitude about it and it helps me cope. Seriously, yes the bad part about herpes is that you do have it forever, but we all know it isnt as bad as we imagined it would be the worst part is telling people, because people are jerks about all kinds of stuff.... but not everyone is scared, or uneducated. Its a shame that its so taboo that it isnt talked about openly because it seems to me that even though its akward and it sucks to have to feel "broken" or have to prove that youre worthy of being loved too... those are the bad parts...other than that...its not so bad at all... and ... its all about finding good people. if someone is into you and they reject you off the jump, without taking time to research and think about it, theyre lame anyway, and im a young woman, and if i can have enough balls to tell people off the bat that I have it ....with confidence, youre a GUY you dont want to have less balls than a GIRL does do you? You can do it, life isnt over, people will always find reasons to reject you beyond herpes anyway. So say screw em and move on...and in general... women are more understanding, imagine being a thick 20 something female with balls and guts and isnt a pushover or typically girly and a long list of flaws.... having to explain that on that list is herpes...it could be worse!! if i can get boyfriends and be overweight ( hey im still hot) and kinda a lunatic in some peoples eyes YOU my friend can get a girlfriend, get back on that saddle and stop feeling sorry for yourself!

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Virgo19

Thx ladybadluck. I went through a lot of those bad emotions, but I am coming up to your level and can see how much it is better to share rather then let it be a dirty lil secret. I think I will try to not let it be all of me.

my motto will be "two tear drops in a bucket F--K it"

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Lifeislife

Brainyblonde...you and I might be cut from the same mold. I just responded to your long post and then read your response here and kind of raised my eyebrows.

I have extended a hand to people unanonymously that I found out had just been diagnosed and helped them and their partners cope. Some were connected to my mother and because I do not treat it as a secret, neither does she or my siblings. No one allows themselves to feel ashamed, by my example.

Some comedian joked about it and said that it was like playing sports. He got in the game and got an injury.

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keepingthefaith

My man just broke up with me too

I got this from him and I felt relieved that everything was so great between us, and tried not to worry about dating in the future, but now, single again. And between the H and knowing the dating pool out there, I'm pretty sure I never want to date again. However, that's not because of the herpes, that's just one more complication. Of course, it doesn't help that I think/thought that he was "the one". I guess we are all in this same boat.

I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but as far as I am concerned, any person out there could have this. We just happen to know we do.

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gotitsowhat

Don't give up

I'm pretty sure I never want to date again. However, that's not because of the herpes, that's just one more complication. Of course, it doesn't help that I think/thought that he was "the one".

I made the decision to never date again once. Here's how it worked out:

I had the miserable experience of having my "true love" get lung cancer and die. I found out on the day of his death that he had cheated on me and, a couple of days before he died, married her. After 10 years with this guy, I became "the other woman" and I was excluded from the funeral.

I was devasted. I didn't know anything could ever hurt that much. I cried for three months almost constantly, couldn't go to work.

Then, just as I was pulling myself together to go back to work (I needed the money which proved to be a real blessing because it got me to get out of the house and focus on something other than my personal pain)...that's when I noticed the symptoms and got diagnosed with genital herpes. Later, I found out he'd known, got it from the woman he'd married but did not tell me.

I had to face the fact that, according to my own understanding of love, the guy who so often told me he loved me--didn't. Now I was heartbroken, alone, middle aged, and permanently diseased.

So I decided to never date again. I could not even begin to imagine having a love life. My trust in men and in life had been shattered.

I lived like that for 10 years. Then...I got a life threatening disease and almost died (a rare pancreatic condition). I was in and out of the hospital and the prognosis was bleak for a while. It gave me a whole new perspective on life. I found out I WASN'T ready to be a dead person!

When the illness passed (thanks to some good alternative medicine), I determined to change some things in my life. I wasn't going to "play dead" anymore. I wasn't going to live like a recluse and accept loneliness as my lot in life.

It is not natural to the human spirit to give up. Tears, loss and pain are part of life. Even when we lose at love, it makes us a better and ultimately a happier more alive person because we had the guts to take the risk. I know that the pain of a major injury in the love wars is some very bad pain. But, if you think about it, and live a while longer, you will come to realize that the pain of loneliness and the refusal to engage life, to take relationship risks, is also very bad pain. It just eats away at your humanity slowly instead of stabbing you with sharp pain. You CAN'T escape pain by hiding from the possibility of love. You'll just suffer a kind of slow, respectable living death. I've been there. Never again.

But I know you need some time to heal so do give yourself whatever time you need. Be kind to yourself, take care, don't date for a while. Just don't decide to give up on life and love. Don't make it a permanent condition. Don't withdraw from life. Heal your wounds and then return to the love wars when you are able.

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