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chevyMisty

My Story. (long post)

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chevyMisty

I have posted a lot about my life but never my full story. I feel like maybe now is the time.

I am twenty four years old twenty five in just under two months. I got purposed to in March of last year by a guy I dated off an on for maybe five years. I hadn't seen him in two years but I knew he was clean. He was on a church mission and couldn't get into to much trouble. I said yes and when he came back from his church mission we got married. The day of our wedding he got the biggest cold sore I have ever seen in my life. He kept picking at it too. I remember it distinctly. We kissed probably half a million times. That night we obviously had sex. Both of us were virgins and we thought nothing of it. Until he asked to kissed me down there. I said no, but he grinned and kissed me there anyway. We washed up and everything afterwards so i figured it would be ok.

Life went on. We finished up our honeymoon came home and worked and everything else. Within two weeks it hurt like hell to pee. I started researching things. I thought maybe it was a yeast infection, I had never had one before, so I thought maybe. But it hurt to walk after about a week. I never thought anything of going to the doctors. My dad dies when I was 16 because the doctors were morons and couldn't find a blood clot in his neck. Yet told my dad he was in the best health of his life. So Ever since I have hated doctors. They obviously can't really help people so so what. But my sister-in-law who I work with told me to make a doctors appointment. I was rather bitchy at the time. I had cramps and just a week after my period so it couldn't be that. I was walking slower because it hurt and funny too. So I finally called up my PCP and made an appointment.

The next day I went and saw my PCP. He asked a bunch of questions and told me I had nothing to worry about. It probably was just a yeast infection and I just "got lucky with the blisters." He then went on to do a visual and then cut off one of the many sores I had. I never felt such pain in my life. He said just in case he was gonna get me tested for Herpes. For herpes. I was in shock. So was my mother and my husband. The kiss that night never even popped into my head. But the doctor gave me a prescription for acyclovir and sent me on my way with two bits of information. "I can't do anything about the peeing. You're just gonna have to go" And the second was "No more baths. You know...just in case it is herpes." My mom got mad and went back in to ask more questions he told her "It's nothing to worry about the sores are not inside so it's not herpes." and "She just needs to shower more." can you believe that. I shower every damn day, sometimes twice because of my job and the doctor called me dirty.

So I went home in tears. My husband went and got me my meds. Meds have always been hard for me because I can't swallow then without chocking. My throat closes. But I choked them down for a week and my doctor never called me back about the test. So I finally called him. That's when he told me that it was indeed herpes. I was at work and just broke down. I could hardly do anything else all day. I was so mad at the doctor, my husband, my life. was it not enough that I am Borderline Bipolar, have moderate Adult ADD, anxiety issues and a fast heartbeat that now I had to worry about herpes? My life was over at that point. I didn't think I could do anything anymore. I couldn't touch anyone I couldn't look at anyone. I was dirty. I was so careful and now I was dirty.

As the weeks then months went on I learned to cope with it. I realized it wasn't so bad and I even started having sex again. My husband was all to happy about that one. I even got pregnant. It was great. My life wasn't so bad after all. then i got my third Ob, the second in a month and I miscarried my child after only knowing about it for two weeks. It's been hard. Very hard recently. My bipolar has been kicking in a lot recently and my anxiety is only worse then ever. I worried about everything anymore. I don't want sex anymore and my husband is getting sexually frustrated because of it. I don't want to do anything either. I have gotten medical help but it's really not all that much of a help. I didn't cry when I miscarried. I wanted to, but it wouldn't come out. I don't cry about my herpes anymore. I think I have almost lost all emotion anymore. I think the only thing keeping me going is my religion anymore. If I didn't believe that after I die all this would go away, I don't know what I would do. If I didn't believe that after I die I will get to raise that child I lost in the afterlife I would go insane. Maybe I am insane and messed up. But Can anyone really blame me? I'm not very good with words, though I like to write. I'm not very good at most anything, but I try. And All I can do anymore is try to get through thing, no matter how hard they get.

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MsLucy

ChevyMisty, I'm glad you finally came out and told your whole story from beginning to end. I have to admit, I've been reading your posts and trying to piece together what's been going on in your head (and your life) and frankly, I was at a loss.

I guess what struck a chord in me was the part about wanting to cry when you lost your baby, but not being able to. I can relate to that. I went for many, many years without shedding a tear about anything. During that time, both my parents died, and I couldn't cry even one tear. It's not because you don't feel the pain, I know. It's because there's too much pain, and it dries you out inside, withers you up, and renders you helpless to express it. It numbs you. I understand that.

You have a lot of obstacles to overcome, and a lot of painful things to heal from. I wish I could tell you how, or wave a magic wand and make it all better, but I can't. We all have to find our own way out of the darkness, but there is a way, and you will find it. Maybe it's just making yourself put one foot in front of the other and going through the motions until you find the light again. For me, it was finally telling someone about what I'd been carrying around in secret all those years. Saying the words out loud was like carving the festering pain away with a knife. If your husband is supportive, lean on him. Talk to him. Let him be your confidante, and your friend. If not, your pastor maybe, or another friend?

You say you're not much good at anything, but you try. That's all any of us can ask, of someone else or of ourselves. We try. That's all we can do, and we keep on trying, every damn day of our lives. And sometimes, just sometimes, we come shining through. You will, too.

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chevyMisty

thanks for your support. I don't know. every time I talk about this with my husband he doesn't seem to really care. He kinda shrugs it off. It could be because I am still a bit angry at him for giving this to me. though I know I shouldn't be. And no one else in my family seems to really want to talk about it. so I just don't even try anymore.

My church doesn't actually have pastors. We have bishops and quite frankly I don't like my bishop much. he's a great guy he just rubs me the wrong way so really all I have are these boards. And sometimes they are infuriating too. But oh well. it's better then nothing.

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catiesmom

I'm glad you were able to tell us. Maybe that will help you start to heal. You certainly have been through a lot, but you seem to be a very strong woman and you'll get through this. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with doctors (although i'm not surprised), and i'm sorry at this point you feel like there's no one to lean on. We're here, of course, but i hope you can also find a friend somewhere who can be an ear and a shoulder, because they really do make all the difference.

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chevyMisty

I know you all are here. that's why I came back after the couple days I was gone. I realized there was no one else to really talk to and I am starting to feel like I have friends here even though I don't know a single one of your names. It's kinda weird actually.

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gotitsowhat

Hang in there, it's getting better

With herpes, the immune system gets stronger in fighting the virus and after a while, the outbreaks are not as bad. And I think the mental immune system gets better, too. You start realizing you can survive this.

If your husband did not know he had it, then it's not his fault if he gave it to you. He should be supportive. So maybe he doesn't know exactly how bad you have felt about this. It's hard for some people to have empathy for something that doesn't actually kill you, just makes you feel bad.

I went to see a therapist so I could talk about coming to terms with this and it has really helped me a lot. Just having a safe place to discuss it can be very healing. This board feels like a safe place for me, too, and I am glad you are feeling the same way.

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chevyMisty

He knew he had it. he swears he didn't know that I could get GH from it. Sometimes I almost believe that. But oh well...it's done and over now. I am at grips with having it. Just tired of everything that's been going on over the past six months. It's been hard. Especially without medical insurance.

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chevyMisty

He knew it was herpes. He also has eye herpes. He knews it. That's part of why it made me mad. Other then the fast that I didn't get herpes on my mouth and I kissed him a million times that day...but he kisses me once down there and bam I got it. But whats done is done. He understands it a bit more now. So that's good. I wont let him spread this to our kids...though in my messed up minds sometimes I think it would just be best to give it to them at like 10 (on the mouth of course...would NEVER give then GH...though we have established Oral is just as bad) and educate them on the virus. But hey by then who knows what kinda medical breakthroughs there will be. But I doubt there will be a cure. May be a real good vaccine. Don't know.

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helied2me

I'm really sorry for all you have been through in recent months but you are one tough cookie and that will get you through anything.

You say you can't talk to your husband because you say he doesn't seem to care but I think it's possible that he just feels so bad about passing this on to you that it's really hard for him to talk about it. If you can put aside the anger then maybe he will open up to you, it's much harder for men to communicate their feelings than it is for women and they generally aren't comfortable showing their vulnerable side.

I hope you find someone that will allow you to talk openly about your feelings outside of this forum. It's always comforting to have someone listen even if they can't change anything.

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chevyMisty

I hope so too. But for now I will come here. As for my husband...and I have said this to his face....he is more feminine then I am. sometimes the only reason I know he is still a guy is because of what is in his pants. He knows his emotions and communicates just fine. *shrugs* he just...doesn't want to talk about it.

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gotitsowhat

Just a comment...

People who feel guilty will frequently avoid conversation about the thing that makes them feel that way. Maybe your husband just doesn't want to discuss something he feels very bad about.

When I decided to come out of my herpes closet where I'd been hiding for years, I went to see a therapist. It really helped me. I am not saying you should see one, that is your own decision, but it could be something to consider. This board has also helped me a lot and I, like you, feel I have found supportive friends here. There's nothing that helps us in a crisis more than knowing we are not alone.

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sunray

Hi ChevyMisty

I'm new to this forum (only joined yesterday). Your story really struck a chord with me because i can empathise with what you've been going through. I contracted genital herpes last April from i suspect my boyfriend. The previous year to this was real tough for me, as i too lost my baby and then had difficulty in concieving ( i am now going through fertility treatment, cos my fallopin tubes are damaged but this might not be beacause of the herpes). That was bad enough and threw me into depression, like yourself when i lost my baby, i couldn't cry- i just felt numb. When in the following year i had my 1st OB, it felt as if my whole world had turned upside down & for the 1st time in almost a year, i was able to cry about my loss. I was so confused, like who gave this to me? I had only been sleeping with my boyfriend & hadn't slept with anyone else in over a year, yet he swore it wasn't him, that he had never had herpes. The thing is, is that roughly a week before i remembered him having a type of cut on his penis & he said it was a friction burn, when i asked what it was! Hindsight can be a real bitch & with what i know now, i'm sure that could have been a blister that had burst. In the almost 4 years now, that ive been with him, i haven't known him to have an OB, s he's either strangely immune, or 1 of the luck ones that don't show symptoms. But it is hard not knowing for sure, where the virus came from. Even the doc's said that it can lay dorment in the body for years b4 the 1st OB.

Anyway 2 years on & i'm still taking 1 day at @ a time, but it does get easier to deal with. I suffer from depression, so i get stressed quite easily. This isn't good for herpes sufferers, so its important to try to change your mind state, by for example, exercising, yoga, prayer, talking & anything else that lifts your spirit. I cant stress that enough (excuse the pun). What ive found is that when i'm stressed it affects my sleep patterns & immune system. Talk through as much as possible, your feeling of grief/loss through losing your baby, until you feel ready to move on from it. Remember that life does go on after herpes & if you want another baby you should focus on that. Build up your immune system with vitamins & minerals. Ive recently been told about the benefits of Lysine in combatting OBs. Try not to dwell on the stupidity or naiveness of your husband & vocalise how you want him to support you through this time, if he doesn't then consider emotional support from friends or counselling. Sometimes the latter is better cos its less judgemental. It is hard but all any of us can do is try our best to get through, but i'm certain things will look up very soon, just take care of yourself.:)

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chevyMisty

Well first of all. Hi!. Second of all...no one believes me when I say I didn't cry when I miss carried because I wasn't all that sad. That morning I was terrified, by the time they told me...they told me. I already worked through it in my mind. I knew what was going on. I have an extreme belief in things happening for a reason. We weren't ready for the baby and this was Heavenly Fathers way of telling us that. There is no way we could afford it and we don't really have the room and there are other things. By the time they told me I miscarried I was already pissed about missing work that day. I know I am strange. But like I said things happen for a reason. E+R=O Event + reaction = outcome. You can't control the E but you can manipulate the O by your R. I wasn't going to let that ruin my life. I am 24 I still have time for babies when we are ready. The herpes doesn't even really get to me much anymore. I try not to let to many things get to me. My husband says I am to laid back. I think it's due to all of my mental issues. I have been picked on for as long as I can remember and up until about five years ago I only had one friend who was more messed up and more of a nerd then I could ever be. I had a major life change at that point in time and realized that trying to be what other people wanted just messed me up more so I stopped trying. I was an outcast for some time But it attracted me to people more like me who I could stand to be around and liked me for me. I've changed a lot in the last six years even but the first 18 years of my life sucked and caused me major issues. Sad part is going to therapy will only cause bigger issues within my family. I'm not exactly skinny and I have bad lung capacity and even when I was running a fourth of a mile every day I couldn't go more then a fourth of that before I felt like dying so exsercize isn't a good thing for someone who also has a fast heart beat as it is (Got hospitalized once for a 170 bpm resting heartbeat. Then again two days later for a 150 resting) I know it sounds like i have an excuse for everything...but the sad thing is...I do because it's all true. I am just a very messed up person.

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