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ReallyScaredandinTrouble

Scared to Death

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ReallyScaredandinTrouble

I am a 40 yr old married woman. I have been in an abusive relationship with my husband for 19 years.

I have been trying for years to leave but have been too scared, we have 4 kids and I've just been biding my time until they're more grown.

I have recently started an absolutely torrid affair.

I know it's wrong. The love has been gone from my marriage a long time.

That is all beside the point.

My lover had been sick last week, running a high fever for several days, I spent time with him taking care of him, no sex, and he was really feverish.

Well, I'm apparently misinformed, I actually thought a "fever blister" was caused by a fever? So, when he was better, we were together, but he had a blister on his lip, and now, just a couple of days later, my entire lower lip is starting to blister. I have since read that cold sores and fever blisters are caused by HSV 1. Now what? I've never had a sore on my mouth ever, and it's going to be hard to hide. We've been safe in other areas, so I'm no worried about HSV 2, but my husband will hurt me if he finds out. This is my only affair ever, and I'm paying for it. I need advice, please.

P.s. I already have D papers filled out, just been too scared to serve him.

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chay5

Well, what is done is done.

Regarding blisters on your friend's lips and on yours - it does sound like herpes, but you cannot be sure until you go to see a doctor about it.

Usually, HSV1 appears on lips and HSV2 on genitals, but sometimes they "switch"" places. JUst by looking, one cannot say whether it's HSV1 or HSV2. A test has to be done to find out which type you have.

While you have this blister on your lip - if it is herpes - it might be very contagious - so please do not kiss your children or anybody else until it goes away (and please go to see a doctor - maybe it's something else)

And congratulations on your affair - you must be a very well organized woman to have 4 kids + husband and still find time for this - I have one and I am so overwhelmed I barely have time to do laundry :)

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ReallyScaredandinTrouble

My kids are the #1 thing I'm worried about. My 3 youngest always have to drink from my water bottle! They've drank after me since his blister, before mine. I'll die of guilt. And the thought of never kissing them or when I have grandkids is depressing, too. I will see DR tomorrow, whilst blisters are there, and hopefully get a definitive answer. If only I'd had the balls to leave long ago.

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Lifeislife

I don't usually suggest lying...actually, I NEVER suggest lying....but you didn't come here for marital or moral advice. A doctor could tell your husband that you could have been carrying coldsores since Aunt May kissed you at six and it just hasn't shown symptoms until you were under stress or some other trigger.

Definately avoid kissing the kids until the sores are completely healed and gone. I think it is okay beyond that, but I won't put my word to it.

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chevyMisty

I agree with Lifeis and I don't like lying either but sometimes you gotta. It would be best for you and the kids if he thinks you've had it for a long time. Most people think nothing of cold sores. At least I know my family and friends growing up didn't. And you can have this for years and years and years without any symptoms or outbreaks. My brother gets one maybe every three or four years if that. My husband gets them only when he's highly stressed. Unfortunately my OB's are more reoccurring but I have GH too.

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Lifeislife
"People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true. People’s heads are full of knowledge, facts, and beliefs, and most of it is false, yet they think it all true. People are stupid; they can only rarely tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and yet they are confident they can, and so are all the easier to fool."

Also known as "Wizard's First Rule" :cool:

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chevyMisty

indeed. I love those books. Been reading them for years.

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catiesmom

I agree with the people above - it might be best if you tell him you've had it for a while, and you're so stressed it just reoccured. Perhaps you could use it as a catalyst? As in "You've stressed me out so much i'm getting blisters - this marraige is not healthy!" I know it's hard, but there are laws to protect you and shelters to help you. But you didn't come here for that.

You don't have to avoid kissing your kids or grandkids EVER, but you will want to avoid kissing them or sharing with them while you have the outbreak and for about a week afterward. Also, understand that if your new love gave you oral sex while he had this outbreak, you could have gotten genital herpes as well.

Best of luck! Please let us know how you are!

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chay5

Well, well, hmmm.....I am surprised at some advice here, especially coming from married girls who got HSV from their husbands, aren't you shooting yourself in the foot here...? If a man cheated on a woman and got oral HSV- would you also advice him just to tell his wife that he had it forever or/and not disclose it?!? This woman, as scared as she is, she is too scared to handle divorce papers to her husband and too scared to tell him she cheated and yet not too scared to cheat? I know life is complicated, but let's keep relationship matters simple: be IN the relationship and DO NOT cheat. If you do - and especially if you catch a contagious HSV - you must disclose it right away to your partner, as painful-scary as it might be. If she is so scared (seems like she cannot say no to her husband) - she is probably still having sex with him...and her lover... Just like we do not want our men to lie to us we should not give such advice to women. "Okay, since you are scared, just lie to your husband tell him you always had it" Please, we can do better... She has to inform her husband she has STD - she cannot continue to be with him and not tell him....ANd I understand she is scared - who wouldn't be? but lying about it is just going to get her into a bigger trouble if, say, she gives sores to her husband or does oral on him and he gets it orally... If he is allegedly so abusive, he could even get violent if this happens..SO she has to tell the truth immediately or leave him immediately - but she should NOT LIE

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gotitsowhat

You're in charge here...

You can tell your husband anything you like about having a cold sore since about 80% of all people have them. Who knows where you got it, maybe from childhood. I would strongly suggest you see a doctor so you will at least have the proper medical understanding of your condition and be sure to tell the doctor of your fears about your husband so the doctor won't blab anything to hubby you don't want him to. Get some medical clarity about this and then you can decide what to tell your spouse.

When it comes to doing wrong to a marriage, which is worse, taking shelter from the marital storm in an affair--or abusing your spouse? I think most people would see you as the good guy here.

As for kissing--just don't kiss anyone during an outbreak, that's all. Except your husband, of course. I think you should kiss him A LOT during an outbreak! If you're up to it, you could even offer some oral sex. Just a thought.

Now that you've gone through this rather traumatic situation of getting a contagious disease (even if it's "only" a cold sore) and fearing your husband's discovery of your affair (I'm glad it was "torrid," by the way)...maybe you are trying to send yourself a message. After dealing with this, you may find you are getting much bolder and may discover that you do, indeed, have the courage to take back your life, your well-being and your dignity. Underneath your anxiety, I sense a brave lady, one who was ready to grab a bit of happiness for herself even under very adverse conditions. Cheer up, it's just a cold sore and you can tell the old bully you married anything you want--right before you hand him the D papers (with a security guard standing right behind you and your kids stashed away somewhere secret and safe).

Take charge, see a doctor and think of a story. If you could evade him enough to sneak away with a hot guy, you can figure out what to say about this. You're going to be OK. Hang in there.

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gotitsowhat

The moral rules change with abuse

Well, well, hmmm.....I am surprised at some advice here, especially coming from married girls who got HSV from their husbands, aren't you shooting yourself in the foot here...? If a man cheated on a woman and got oral HSV- would you also advice him just to tell his wife that he had it forever or/and not disclose it?!? This woman, as scared as she is, she is too scared to handle divorce papers to her husband and too scared to tell him she cheated and yet not too scared to cheat? I know life is complicated, but let's keep relationship matters simple: be IN the relationship and DO NOT cheat. If you do - and especially if you catch a contagious HSV - you must disclose it right away to your partner, as painful-scary as it might be. If she is so scared (seems like she cannot say no to her husband) - she is probably still having sex with him...and her lover... Just like we do not want our men to lie to us we should not give such advice to women. "Okay, since you are scared, just lie to your husband tell him you always had it" Please, we can do better... She has to inform her husband she has STD - she cannot continue to be with him and not tell him...."ANd I understand she is scared - who wouldn't be? but lying about it is just going to get her into a bigger trouble if, say, she gives sores to her husband or does oral on him and he gets it orally... If he is allegedly so abusive, he could even get violent if this happens..SO she has to tell the truth immediately or leave him immediately - but she should NOT LIE

I was joking about actually exposing the bully to the cold sore--I hope that was clear. Of course, I do not expect here to expose anyone to a disease.

However, I do not believe people are ever obligated to do anything that will get them hurt. If a person is living with threats and abuse, leaving is certainly the best thing to do but many people who are abused take a while to get up the courage to do so. Sometimes, it is easier to start the process of detachment by having an affair--hardly ideal behavior, I think we would all agree. But understandable. No, I do not think anyone needs to do what will bring on further abuse. She could wind up dead. 80% of all people have the cold sore virus. It carries no real stigma and is not deadly. For a fair disclosure to this bully, a letter will do--after the divorce!

No person in her position should be handed any more guilt than she already has. And I wouldn't suggest she do anything to bring on more violence in her life. All the rules are off when dealing with a tyrannical bully. Self-defense is the first law of life.

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chevyMisty

In a normal circumstance I would say tell him the truth. But with guys like that what is it gonna get her? More beatings? Yeah that's nice. Lets give advise to people that will get them beat up. Besides...sounds like this guy deserves what he gets anyway.

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helied2me

I agree chevy, of course it's not right to lie but sometimes it is warranted and I believe this situation justifies it.

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ReallyScaredandinTrouble

Thanks for all the advice. And for not judging me.

I had actually had the exact thought today that this could be my catalyst.

I've been abstaining from husband, which has him knowing something is up. The emotional threats he has used to keep me, such as running off with the kids and I'd never see them again, are no longer viable. The youngest is 13. Hitting the "big 40", as well as a significant weight loss, has prompted me to start these actions, the papers and the affair. And yes, ladies, it has been torrid. The tables have definitely turned. I have my "escape" plan, formulated with help from my local domestic shelter, and a friend at the ready to be my buffer if need be. I've gotten a secret bank account in a relatives name, a PO box, and applied for a CC in my name only. I would never have embarked on this guilt train if I had not made serious plans to go. I am worried about getting hurt physically when I tell him, he has used that to control me in the past. I almost hope he hits me so I can put his ass in jail. As for the HSV 1, I just feel stupid that I didn't know. I had to go to Dr today to be screened because I did receive oral and so am really depressed about that possibility. I'm on a viral suppressant already, so hopefully my mouth won't go full blown as I have to work, and have a LOT of co-workers. My beau is someone I have known for several years on a friendly basis, and I definitely love him enough to get through this now that we've taken it this far. I just dread the sh*tstorm that awaits me when I clue in husband, whether it's divorce, herpes, or both. Affair is out because that would get my ass beat, even though he's the one who has been out on me repeatedly. I actually wonder if I could have already had it, dormant, and all this current stress triggered a initial OB? Anyway, sorry for the long post, there's no one to talk to that knows about the BF, just a few who know about the D. papers.

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helied2me

Hi ReallyScared,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but happy that you have made all kinds of provisions in moving forward. Best wishes for a happier, safe life in the near future.

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catiesmom

Sounds like you've got everything under control. I wonder if you could somehow tell him in a semi-public place, then avoid being alone with him after that? Have you filed reports on him in the past? If you have, you might be able to get some sort of emergency protective order for when you serve him. Not sure if he has to hurt you FIRST for you to get them (which is the dumbest rule ever, esp for proven abusers). It sounds like you've got your shit together, and now it's just a matter of getting out of what will hopefully be your last chance at a beating. Best of luck, and please let us know!

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Lifeislife

Chay, under normal circumstances, I would agree with you. However, with the statistic if murder from abusive husbands, I would be loathe to advise her to disclose to him her affair because of HSV and have the worst possible result.

The normal rules change when dealing with an abuser, even when it comes to fidelity, in my opinion. If going into the arms of another is giving her the strength to withdraw from the situation, then so be it. Certainly would not be my method of choice. My method of choice would be some big friends, an aluminum baseball bat, my bags and my kids, ready to leave.

I would definately suggest he know about the HSV and take the chances, only for the fact that infecting him adds another scumbag to the non disclosure pool who could then infect countless others. But I don't see issue in having a doctor tell him that she could have had it her entire life.

The repricussions would likely be far less severe than disclosing the affair itself and the end result is the same; disclosure.

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