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Belladonna

Close to giving up on him

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Belladonna

The basic info: HSV-2 genitally, diagnosed june/2005, on suppressive medication, outbreak free for almost a year now.

I have been dating the same guy since July of last year. Two weeks into dating I told him the awful truth about the HSV. He said that it was okay and we didn't have to have sex right away and that it would give us a chance to get to know each other - which it did, and that was definitely nice.

About four months into it he needed a break from me. It was quite a sucky Holiday Season - the crown jewel was when I learned he had gone on a date or two with this awful woman that had rudely flirted with him in front of me when we were out together. After two dates he claims that he realized what an awful person she is.

After about a month & a half of being broken up - (which mostly consisted of him texting and telling me he missed me, asking me for space - push & pull); he came back to me. He told me he was a fool for breaking up with me in the first place. In spite of everything, I was so happy to have the man I had stupidly fallen in love with back.

After a month of being back together we still weren't having sex (we had never had sex with each other yet at that point). He said he still needed time.

One morning he was finally ready and we had sex, but in retrospect - he may have still been drunk from the night before - which is why he had trouble finishing.

A weekend or two after that we went away for my birthday - when we got into bed that night he said, "oh, I forgot the condoms, guess we can't have sex." I smiled and said that not only had I brought my own, I brought lube as well. We had sex that night and he was able to finish. The next morning was my actual birthday and I was really looking forward to morning/birthday sex - no dice - he was in the shower & out the door before I could rub the sleep out of my eyes, (it's only fair to note that he ran out to get me flowers, which is very thoughtful). There was no birthday sex.

And there hasn't been any since (that was two months ago). We've been dating for 9 months and have only had sex twice. We've spoken about this quite extensively. He tells me that he's making sure I'm the right one before placing himself at risk - and then he assures me that it's going to happen (those are contradictory ideas, if you ask me). If it's "going to happen" then why does he need to spend time figuring out if I'm the one.

I've told him so many facts my throat hurts, I've gone blind on research I've looked up and sent him, I've swallowed way more cum than your average girl trying to keep him happy, while I just get fingered. I'm tired, I don't know if I believe anymore.

I think he wishes I were someone else - especially the herpes part. I know I need to walk away, I know that it's better to be alone than with someone who will make me feel dirty for this disease. I just need to get my life together a little more so it's not as devastating to my heart when I leave him. He's never going to get over this - whether he knows it or not. I love him & he says he loves me - but it looks like we just might not have what it takes to get past this.

However it turns out, it turns out - I do not have control over the world. I try to do the right thing, and I think that's about all I can fret over anymore. I wish he could get past this, I love him so much. I think I may actually have to tear a small chunk out of my heart to break up with him.

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chay5

I am sorry this guy is putting you through all this. If he is not sure - he should walk away, if he wants to be with you - he should be with you fully. But I guess it might be his personality - he just cannot make up his mind...Funny, but I heard so many stories about guys acting in similar way - where herpes was not even an issue...They are just not decided to go one way or the other...If you love him, you will be there for him whenever he wants to come back - but - I wish you'd find a more reliable man. A real man and not an undecided boy. You know, you are worth much more and you deserve much better than that.

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catiesmom

Like Chay said, you deserve so much better than that. You're a great person and a wonderful girlfriend to be so good to him in the first place, and if he can't see that, he's just selfish. You should concentrate on finding someone WORTHY of your attention, not someone who will take you for granted.

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gotitsowhat

Passive aggressive

Isn't that what psychologists call it when someone hurts another person by passive means? There are a lot of ways to punish someone when they have presented you with something you don't like.

I am glad you are coming to the realization that, chunk of your heart or not, you are going to have to undergo the process of detaching yourself from someone who is never going to be fully accepting of you with this virus. Like any painful and dreaded operation, you are going to feel a whole lot better when it's over. It seems so unfair, but YOU are going to have to be the one with the clarity and courage to end this. It's the only way to open the door to the possibility of finding someone decent and mature who can really, wholeheartedly care for you.

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ouch
The basic info: HSV-2 genitally, diagnosed june/2005, on suppressive medication, outbreak free for almost a year now.

I have been dating the same guy since July of last year. Two weeks into dating I told him the awful truth about the HSV. He said that it was okay and we didn't have to have sex right away and that it would give us a chance to get to know each other - which it did, and that was definitely nice.

About four months into it he needed a break from me. It was quite a sucky Holiday Season - the crown jewel was when I learned he had gone on a date or two with this awful woman that had rudely flirted with him in front of me when we were out together. After two dates he claims that he realized what an awful person she is.

After about a month & a half of being broken up - (which mostly consisted of him texting and telling me he missed me, asking me for space - push & pull); he came back to me. He told me he was a fool for breaking up with me in the first place. In spite of everything, I was so happy to have the man I had stupidly fallen in love with back.

After a month of being back together we still weren't having sex (we had never had sex with each other yet at that point). He said he still needed time.

One morning he was finally ready and we had sex, but in retrospect - he may have still been drunk from the night before - which is why he had trouble finishing.

A weekend or two after that we went away for my birthday - when we got into bed that night he said, "oh, I forgot the condoms, guess we can't have sex." I smiled and said that not only had I brought my own, I brought lube as well. We had sex that night and he was able to finish. The next morning was my actual birthday and I was really looking forward to morning/birthday sex - no dice - he was in the shower & out the door before I could rub the sleep out of my eyes, (it's only fair to note that he ran out to get me flowers, which is very thoughtful). There was no birthday sex.

And there hasn't been any since (that was two months ago). We've been dating for 9 months and have only had sex twice. We've spoken about this quite extensively. He tells me that he's making sure I'm the right one before placing himself at risk - and then he assures me that it's going to happen (those are contradictory ideas, if you ask me). If it's "going to happen" then why does he need to spend time figuring out if I'm the one.

I've told him so many facts my throat hurts, I've gone blind on research I've looked up and sent him, I've swallowed way more cum than your average girl trying to keep him happy, while I just get fingered. I'm tired, I don't know if I believe anymore.

I think he wishes I were someone else - especially the herpes part. I know I need to walk away, I know that it's better to be alone than with someone who will make me feel dirty for this disease. I just need to get my life together a little more so it's not as devastating to my heart when I leave him. He's never going to get over this - whether he knows it or not. I love him & he says he loves me - but it looks like we just might not have what it takes to get past this.

However it turns out, it turns out - I do not have control over the world. I try to do the right thing, and I think that's about all I can fret over anymore. I wish he could get past this, I love him so much. I think I may actually have to tear a small chunk out of my heart to break up with him.

This made me incredibly sad for you belladonna. This guy sounds like an idiot. he is typical of many men (and a few women) who are always on the lookout for something "better". Nothing you do will ever make him happy and the fact that you have turned yourself into his personal cum recepticle just to make "him happy" saddens me even more.

he wants to "be sure" about you before putting himself at risk??? How about YOu being sure about HIM, and NO LONGER PUTTING YOURSELF AT RISK SWALLOWING his wretched load. You deserve SO MUCH better than this. I say pick yourself up, dust yourself off, kick dirt on his ass like a cat does to its poop in a box, and walk away from this situation with your self esteem intact. He is doing NOTHING to HELP your situation nor your own self esteem. Your heart will hurt for a while, but trust me, you will be better off, and stronger, in the long run.

I have had many girlfriends date a guy like this. Forget about the herpes for a moment, I would be willing to bet that even WITHOUT the herpes, he would still be looking around at other chicks, and still have sexual hangups. Herpes has now given him an excuse to be a boorish cad and he has taken advantage of a loving woman, and one who (if you will excuse me for being so bold) is in a more vunerable posistion than she was prior to having herpes.

So, I don't know..me personally, I would be done with him. There is too much going on here that is NEGATIVE...and THAT is unhealthy for you!!!

Please take care and hope all goes well. Stay strong!

Ouch

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gotitsowhat

I second the motion, Ouch

You are so right. Herpes just adds one more measure of vulnerability to this situation. Jerks like this happen with or without it.

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Happines_Within

I am in the same situation only it is 4 months. I stay b/c I seeek valdation, I feel like if he finally takes the risk then I am worth it...

you are lucky... at least you guys fool around, when we go to sleep it is like we are friends... no cuddling, no kissing, no nothing just.. night. we do cuddle during the day and kiss when we are saying good bye or if I kiss him... I feel so sad I feel alone, dirty and ugly... I am desperate for his touch :(

I have come to realize I have to go, it is starting to affect me negitivly.. I have to leave, it is just so hard...

I hope everything works out for you :)

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Kya

You are sure that he is clean right? I mean, giving him unprotected oral sex has put you at risk of catching more or less everything.

Hope he is clean and there nothing to worry about!

9 months?? Honestly, if I was in a relationship with someone for that long, either that had accepted my situation and we would be having a sex llife that was fair to both sides!! Or it was me that was wanting to wait, becasue I hadnt found the right moment to clue him in and he understood that I wanted to wait. Though 9 months is a long time to wait.

He has already exposed himself to it and taken the 5% risk you get when there are no symptoms.

Question is, would you rather be with someone, where there was no real physical relationship (which you damn well deserve to have, herpes or not) or be alone and find someone else who would hopefully accept the risk and enjoy himself with you.

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cheeseontoast

let him goooooo!

without being selfish yourself, you can find someone who can give you what you want, who you can return the favour to, and also have an equal relationship... with or without herpes.

thing is people like this just prop up all the time, as i have delt with several, always wanting more from you for them, always wanting space, alwasy looking for more, for something better... well if you're not better than the best, then he is not worth the shit on your shoe.

its people like him who are dirty, undignified, and nasty. a diseased personality which could never have been helped from the start.

they deserve someone just as low as them.

which is also unfortunate.

so yeah

rant over lol

tell him where to go and do your self better!

because you are,

its better to be alone than unhappy.

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Gonzales

He reminds me a bit off the jackass part of my own personality which I've developed since contracting herpes. Kick him out.

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Smoochy

I feel the same as Happines Within....

I am in the same situation only it is 4 months. I stay b/c I seeek valdation, I feel like if he finally takes the risk then I am worth it...

you are lucky... at least you guys fool around, when we go to sleep it is like we are friends... no cuddling, no kissing, no nothing just.. night. we do cuddle during the day and kiss when we are saying good bye or if I kiss him... I feel so sad I feel alone, dirty and ugly... I am desperate for his touch :(

I have come to realize I have to go, it is starting to affect me negitivly.. I have to leave, it is just so hard...

I hope everything works out for you :)

My Guy and I have been together 8 months, he has decided he doesnt wan to be with me sexually and doesnt know if he ever will. We do the same things, cuddle and kiss during the day, but at night, nothing! I long to be touched and kissed and I tell him that but the risk is too great! Its all so very sad when they act this way. I want to be patient, but how long is too long! :(

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